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A Slam for the Slammed
It’s the simple explanation
for this sluggish dying nation
the conundrum
of the humdrum
normal is as normal does
It’s the whining crying wanting
and the screaming dying haunting
of the storm clouds stewing silently
a poets muse of rain
You remember that old story
hidden gate -- memento mori
theres a graveyard
and a boy
heather field, a color’s ploy
I’m a scribble
I’m a stumble
I’m the auditory mumble
of a broken bridge
and rushing water
Stars and moon
and son and daughter
Peace can’t come from violence
not a whimper, not a bang
I’ll show you a world of wonders
if you’ll save my drowning land
- Ophelia's blog
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This is a great slam piece.
This is a great slam piece. Lots of rawness and a great rhythm. I think that the opening isn't as strong as the rest of the poem though--it feels like I've heard it before (I'm sick and tired, tried and failed etc)--I might think of shifting it around--- if you started right in with "It's the simple explanation/ for this sluggish dying nation" it would really grab the reader or listener's attention. And then you could add pieces from the beginning into the middle... Just a thought!
If you want to view paradise, simply look around, and you will. Anything you want to... do it. Want to change the world? There's nothing to it.
Now that is a truly righteous
Now that is a truly righteous piece of slam poetry. Boom.
If you want to view paradise, simply look around, and you will. Anything you want to... do it. Want to change the world? There's nothing to it.
Thanks!!
doug.demaio,
The beginning was weak, thanks for being honest! The piece is much stronger now. Thank you, again, for the great feedback.
~ Ophelia
"For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) / It's always ourselves that we find in the sea"
~ E.E. Cummings
But of course. Honest to a
But of course. Honest to a fault. That's me.
If you want to view paradise, simply look around, and you will. Anything you want to... do it. Want to change the world? There's nothing to it.