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A Slam for the Slammed

Ophelia's picture

 

It’s the simple explanation

for this sluggish dying nation

the conundrum 

of the humdrum

normal is as normal does 

It’s the whining crying wanting

and the screaming dying haunting

of the storm clouds stewing silently 

a poets muse of rain

You remember that old story

hidden gate -- memento mori

theres a graveyard 

and a boy 

heather field, a color’s ploy

I’m a scribble 

I’m a stumble

I’m the auditory mumble

of a broken bridge 

and rushing water

Stars and moon

and son and daughter

Peace can’t come from violence

not a whimper, not a bang

I’ll show you a world of wonders

if you’ll save my drowning land

 

 

 

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doug.demaio's picture

This is a great slam piece.

This is a great slam piece. Lots of rawness and a great rhythm. I think that the opening isn't as strong as the rest of the poem though--it feels like I've heard it before (I'm sick and tired, tried and failed etc)--I might think of shifting it around--- if you started right in with "It's the simple explanation/ for this sluggish dying nation" it would really grab the reader or listener's attention. And then you could add pieces from the beginning into the middle... Just a thought!

doug.demaio's picture

Now that is a truly righteous

Ophelia's picture

Thanks!!

doug.demaio,

The beginning was weak, thanks for being honest! The piece is much stronger now. Thank you, again, for the great feedback.

~ Ophelia

"For whatever we lose (like a you or a me) / It's always ourselves that we find in the sea"

~ E.E. Cummings

doug.demaio's picture

But of course. Honest to a