Due this week

General Writing. Send in your best work – poems, short stories, essays. (Feel free to do it throughout the year, but this gives you a deadline.)
Deadline: Oct. 10.

To submit to Newspaper Series

  • Log in. (Click "Not a YWP member?" to create an account.)

  • Click "create content" and create an ENTRY
  • Fill out "title," "author name, school & grade" and "prompt" boxes.
  • Paste story into "body."
  • Click "Submit." You are done.
    NOTES: Your account email must be accurate; a "blog" entry must be resubmitted as an ENTRY to be considered.

Tu Es Mon Tout

pineapple_babbit's picture
Submitted by pineapple_babbit on January 17, 2008 - 19:16.

Tu es le fleur de mon Coeur,
Un oiseau dans une arbre,
Une étoile dans le ciel,
Et un feuille en octobre.
Tu es le neige dans le nuit,
Et l’eau dans la pluie.
Tu es mon monde,
Ma vie,
Tu es mon tout.

UVM Mentor Comment

Submitted by lbartram on April 29, 2008 - 23:50.

Hi Emily,

I usually try and stick to writing about prose, but your poem really struck me. I have taken a little bit of French and really enjoyed reading this. The imagery is absolutely great, and completely makes me smile. It comes off like a warm feeling in the winter. You did just a great job. Keep up the writing.

In terms of some constructive criticisms, you might want to do one thing. In the line: "Et un feuille dans octobre" you should change the 'dans' to an 'en.' What you have right there is kind of grammatically incorrect. The preposition 'dans' is like saying something is literally physically inside of something else. The French equivalent, at least simplistically (as other prepositions in French could fill this space), that will best fit this poem is 'en' - which is akin to saying during October. This is just a good distinction to learn regardless of where you use it. Anyway, great job.

Logan Bartram - UVM Mentor

pineapple_babbit's picture

Thank you. I'm not the best

Submitted by pineapple_babbit on April 30, 2008 - 18:03.

Thank you. I'm not the best with french, and I really appreciate the correction. ^_^
Thank you again!
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"you know, if it made sense, I probibly wouldn't have done it...." -Self quoted

njandl's picture

Something to Add

Submitted by njandl on May 1, 2008 - 09:37.

Normally two mentors don't comment on the same piece, but I too was struck by the heartfelt simplicity and the nicely crafted French in this poem.

Just a quick note to add to Logan's entry above - how about using "tu" instead of "vous" when addressing the object of this poem? I have a friend who is a French major, and whenever we speak French to each other (his perfect, mine very much broken) he is always telling me to use "tu" with him - and again, he's simply my friend. So I would think that given this is a love poem, the personal "tu" would be the most appropriate.

That's it! Wonderful work.

Nathan Jandl, Mentor

pineapple_babbit's picture

Thank you very much. I was

Submitted by pineapple_babbit on May 1, 2008 - 19:24.

Thank you very much. I was debating while writing this which one to choose... I chose "vous" because I just thought it sounded better, but I think I should be going for the more correct form. ^_^ THank you so much again. ^_^
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