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Chasing Shadows -1
You haunt me.
Sometimes, I catch a fleeting glimpse of you in the mirror. I turn and close my eyes, scrunching them up tightly and it's almost like I feel you behind me - Your breath on my neck; your burning glare drilling into me. I half expect you to materialize out of thin air. My back's to the wall and I feel your hand around my throat, your nails digging in and tearing away at the skin. You pull back the flesh, casting it aside. The blood-soaked tissue hitting the white tile floor with a sickening splat, blood splattering the flawless white walls. You rip apart my chest, searching for something you know isn't there. You stare at the complicated contortion of blood-stained bone; the mangled remains of what is no longer. Your pupils dialate completely, taking over the whites of your eyes, and suddenly burst into roaring flames. You throw your head back, laughing - The sound rumbling out like an avalanche. Your laughter shakes the walls and breaks the glass. I crumble to the floor, holding my ears and gasping for air. Your laughter is deafening and I open my mouth to scream.
And suddenly, I'm all I hear. My screams of terror and agony bouncing back at me. The white floors and evern whiter walls are all I see, faultless. The house isn't shaking. No glass is broken. I reach for my throat, running my fingers down to my chest and realize it's still in one piece; intact. It's like you were never real.
But that can't be true. You were real! You are real! I jump up from the floor and run, chasing shadows down the hallway. I stop and look around. I see a figure out of the corner of my eye and hear the echo of your voice. I spin quickly and find nothing. Again! There you are! I see you at the foot of the stairs and chase. You have something that's mine, that belongs to me. Or maybe it belongs to you. I race down the stairs, and trip over my own feet. Suddenly, I'm rolling, crashing, and smashing. The darkness starts to creep up on me and pulls me under, but before I'm lost, I see your face. I whisper your name and reach for you as the dark current pulls me under.
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wow..... that's intense but
wow..... that's intense but good!
The World cannot hold the weight of itself; we must each take a small piece
Nice work- it is intense. My
Nice work- it is intense. My advice would be to try to get rid of a few more words to keep the pace as quick and panicky as you can. For instance,
"I feel your hand around my throat and my back's to the wall. Your nails claw the skin at my throat and rip it."
might be better as "I feel by back to the wall and your hand at my throat; your nails claw my skin and rip it."
There are a couple points where you use the same noun in consecutive sentences, like there with throat, and towards the end with "stairs."
"I race down the stairs, and trip over my own feet. I roll down the stairs, crashing and smashing."
maybe-- "I race down the stairs and tripping over my own feet I begin to roll, crashing and smashing onto the landing."
Anyway, I see you have a few more installments up, so I gotta keep reading. Keep it up.
If you want to view paradise, simply look around, and you will. Anything you want to... do it. Want to change the world? There's nothing to it.
doug.demaio
Thank you! I appreciate the suggestions, which I did listen to. I wasn't too worried with the phrasing and the way it all flowed together at that time - I was just trying to get my ideas out as quickly as possible.
Wow
Wow that was... not what I was expecting! Your imagery is incredible (if a little gruesome) and I can't wait to read Chasing Shadows 2 & 3!
Keep writing!
Shatter on Sun
Thank you very much! I try to be a little different, if gruesome gets me there, I'll take it! Chasing Shadows 2 & 3 are already posted, if you're still interested!