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Each day we have new writing -- and new selections on the front page. An important part of this project is to give each other positive, constructive feedback. So add your comments to the writing. Read as a writer. Help out your fellow young writer!

Hunting

Submitted by Vern on January 31, 2008 - 11:32.

First Deer

Hunting with Dad
Walking though the woods
Listening to animals sounds
Searching for deer
We saw the deer running
Pulled my gun up
Adrenaline rushing through my body
My first deer
In my sights
Hammer pulled back
Click the safety off
BOOM!!!!!!
Done in a second
Walking the blood trail
I think I got it
Continue to walk
In view of the fallen deer
I hollered YES! in my head
Did you get it?
Proudly YES
Dragging it up the hill
Pulling it to the four wheeler
Lifting it to the front of the hood
Walking back though the woods
While Dad drove my deer out

Ohhh

Submitted by SRPiNk33 on February 5, 2008 - 09:58.

Nice job Greg!
Although there were a few spelling errors and you put
your poems under Benson VillIage School.
It's Benson Village =]
But other than that, this is a pretty good poem!

Sierra<3

Thanks

Submitted by Vern on February 5, 2008 - 11:33.

thanks for the comment i now i had a few worlds spelt wrong {GREG}

nice

Submitted by motokid on February 5, 2008 - 11:31.

thats good i can do better jk lol :TOmmy

njandl's picture

Pithy and Precise

Submitted by njandl on February 13, 2008 - 10:38.

Greg,

This poem has the feeling of a journal entry, or perhaps of notes jotted down quickly - but it works in that stream-of-consciousness kind of way. The short, sometimes explosive sentences mirror the movements of your characters and you provide us with just enough visual information to flesh out the storyline. I think my one suggestion would be to add a few more linking details, such as how the woods looked/felt or a sentence about bringing the deer back home. You have made much out of sparse language here; just a little more would make this poem even better.

Nathan

thanks

Submitted by Vern on February 14, 2008 - 11:46.

thank you very much i will make them ajustments

New version of first deer

Submitted by Vern on March 11, 2008 - 10:43.

I made a new version of Hunting and if you got anymore comments or suggestions just comment back hope you like the new piecie

nice one

Submitted by tgearwar on February 14, 2008 - 11:40.

hey greg it's me, Trav. nice story, got a few spel'n errors though

NICE

Submitted by JordanP on February 15, 2008 - 10:25.

Nice entry Greg. It made me feel like I was right there with you, watching for movement. I've had kinda the same thing happen to me. You wrote it so it's very realistic. XxJordanxX

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