05468

I slowly climb up the wood ladder.  It's tilted to one side at a steep angle.  One wrong move and you fall fifty feet down.  I have no form of safety strap, and ladder is slippery and rotten.  I get to the top and crawl along a rock.  You would think, why crawl?  I'll tell you; it is at a dangerous angle.  It was wet from rain with no grip.  If you slip, you fall 300 feet down.  Ten minutes later, I am across.  “That was fun,”  I say to my hiking partner, Ben Blackmore.  It started to snow.  It was the first I've seen all winter.

We stand in the bitter cold
Contemplating those like you
And every time the bell tolls
Another million gone
The snow is frozen to the pavement
Trampled
Shoveled
Untouched
Our banners screech what we stand for
And every time the bell tolls
Another million gone
A story of brokenness lies in this place
A cemetery for the lives drowned in a sea of fear
Because every time the bell tolls
Another million gone
There is no dignity in death
No health or care in ripping life away
Yet every time the bell tolls another million gone
We bow our heads to pray for you
God’s Hands to lift and tame hearts of stone
And every time the bell tolls
Another million gone
We’ve been told that “every time a bell rings, an angel gets its’ wings”
Shivers creep across our arms and it is not from the chilling wind
Because every time the bell tolls
Another million gone
We shake our heads and scrunch our eyes
We can’t believe all we’ve become
And every time the bell tolls
Another million gone
We can shake our fists at the sky
Or gather as we were
But every time the bell tolls
Another million gone
We can demand justice, plead for mercy
Or just collapse to the ground and cry
But for every time the bell has tolled
Fifty million
Gone

I’m reaching towards your face
Lightly with my fingertips
I attempt to stroke
But my touch only meets glass
I see you
Your beautiful smile
But it’s not enough.

I claw at the glass
The barrier that separates us
Longing for your smile
Your face
Your approval
Your love
Your anything
You’re everything….

But all my weak hands can do is leave smudged fingerprints and feeble scratches
While you continue to beam through the glass wall
I can see there are tears in your eyes
And no one can reach you
WHY
WON’T YOU
LET ME
TOUCH
YOU!?
Why won’t you let me heal you?
I can take your face in my hands
And kiss the water scarring your cheeks
If you let me through
I can comfort you
I can save you
Please
Let me love you.

But you put up these glass walls
That I attempt to smash
But you resist
And as I push against them with all my strength
You fight right on back
With an artificial gorgeous heartbreaking smile
Two sets of hands
Pressing into the wall
Touching
If not for the glass.

But I can’t help but notice
That in the places our fingers rest
That this glass wall
Is beginning
To crack…

These words flowing through my mouth
a beautiful melody

every ounce of me flowing with life

these words the only way to express my feelings.

Crashing through the walls

I spent so long building up

I feel the terror, the shock, the nerves,

but still a welcome rush to me

its the only way I know I am alive

Exposing my soul to the world

seeing the faces

expressionless, blank,

Like robots staring,

but yet at the same time in shock,

because the didn't believe in me.

No one did.

And I don't care.

This is my moment in time.

My time to show how I feel

to tell the story of what I've been through

For a moment there is no one else alive

the blood coursing through my veins

heart beating out of control

but it doesn't matter how nervous I am

the adrenaline pulsing through me

I know that I am alive.

For these few minutes nothing else matters

singing this song

spent so many sleepless nights trying to get it right.

A flawless symphony

an angel singing a melody in my heart

when no one believed in me

doubt surrounding me every where I went.

The music comes to a close

I hit that last note.

The robots come alive Read more »

So many people,
Absolutely no seats.
People push and shove,
To get off and on.
I find a spot to stand.
Next to me is a woman, on the phone, sobbing.
She pushes each painful word out,
“He cheated…had an affair…”
I can’t help but listen,
Feeling her pain, her fear,
And maybe I even heard her heart break.
“And this isn’t the first time.”
I stare at her,
Gawking at her beauty.
Even with black streaks of makeup down her face,
Her mess of hair, her sadness.
She is still beautiful, heartbroken,
But beautiful.
In a swift motion she rips her ring off her finger.
Disgust and anger on her face.
Throwing it into her purse,
Another flash of tears.
Pouring out of her eyes like raindrops in a storm.
She looks at me, straight in the eyes.
Hers are a color that I wish I could see again.
Over and over.
I find myself thinking,
“I wouldn’t mind having her as mine.”
But then I think…
Is that how her husband thought about the other woman?
And if I think like he did,
Could I become just as much of a heartbreaker as he is?
I take out my small notebook,
Grab my pen,
Flip to a page.
“You’re beautiful. Even with a broken heart.”
The train announces my stop.
The doors open.
In the hustle and bustle,
Of people coming and going.
I rip out the paper,
Hand it to her,
And walk into the crowd of people.
Looking back,
She’s staring at me.
With those eyes, those eyes,
I wish I’d see again.

Her soul is blank.
Her heart is dead.
Despair tap dances across
her consciousness,
each step adding another
crack on her façade.
Happiness bleeds out the cracks,
creating a mask of optimisum.

Existence is just a drizzle.
Life clouds out happiness,
Life clouds out the sun.
Life becomes darker,
Finding light becomes harder.
She stays in her room trying
to stay out of the rain.

No one sees the cracks in her façade.
Just a pretty paint job over a dark
pealing undercoat.
That’s what depression is.
It is the smile when inside she is breaking.
It is living when inside she wants to die.
It is getting up when she wants nothing more
then to hide from the world.
It is her life.

 

If a teenager didn’t have to go to school, their lives would probably revolve around three activities. Facebook, texting, and seeing their friends. You want to hang out with someone? Text them or message them on Facebook. There’s a high chance they’ll get back to you pretty quickly. You can’t even be a couple unless it’s “Facebook official”. Some people can have long, meaningful conversations about someone behind a screen. But as soon as they see that person in person, they totally ignore them. Technology has brought some people to the point where they don’t even know how to have a meaningful conversation with someone to their face because it’s so much easier to hide behind a screen. At least that’s what some think.

I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard adults say how hooked in us teenagers are. I hear that and I think to myself, “who introduced us to this all?” Honestly, we’re just the generation receiving what the generation before us, created for us. Although I can’t say they’re not right. Even I admit to checking Facebook every day, hoping for a text from a friend or my boyfriend. Technology has given us a new way to communicate and keep in touch. But when is too much, too much?

at Beginning there was Darkness.

peaceful drifting Darkness

that carried me so

                         far

                           away

to where i don't know or feel

carefree and pleasant and warm.

the Darkness grew louder.

It grew cold

colder

suffocating

penetrating

claws gripped and squeezed

strengthening by the second-full

no longer areas of space to fill

crashing

           went

                 d

                   o

                     w

                       n Read more »

What do you see when you look at me?

Do you see what I see?

The once bright eyes

darkend with hurt

the once cheerful smile

tight and weary

All you see is my surface

stopping at the pretty perplexion,

not looking deep into my eyes

to my heart

to see the story I am hiding

What do you see when you look at me?

Probably not what I see

I don't see the beauty

I see the horrible ugly past

like an open book

written across my face

would you want to see me if you could see what I see?

Would it scare you away,

like all the rest?

Or would you stay?

And help me through my struggle,

I need someone to help me keep my future straight,

I need a constant in my life,

someone who won't back away,

no matter how gruesome the tale I tell is

 

never good enough.

not for you.

not for anyone.

what people dont see

is that out side of this hard shell

there is a girl with emotions

someone who feels

whose heart is sore, waiting to blossom,

tender wounds still need to heal

you've broken any sense of security that I had

my heart is in ruins.

a bullet shattered straight through it.

you told me you'd love me forever.

hold me in your arms.

be there for me.

and I told you I'd be there for you.

So many words I would love to take back.

one little doubt and you have to hide just like all the times before,

but the one thing that will be different this time.

Is that I won't take you back.

Not now, not ever.

I can't stand any more  humiliation.

any more pain.

This game has gone on for far too long.

an endless cycle.

I try to forget.

to block you out.

but how can I when you were such a big part of me for such a long time?

It's almost like my body needs you.

My heart longs for you.

my eyes search for you in the crowd.

the pull of this struggle constantly nagging at me.

moving on is my only option.

I am admitting defeat.

No longer will I let you control me,

tell me who to talk to.

what to say in front of people.

all because you can't accept that I am an individual.

not one of those fake plastic girls you tend to chase.

I need to get away,.

keep you off my mind.

out of my line of sight....

but how,

how do you delete someone from your heart?

The answer I do not know, Read more »

we don't need anyone to tell us this is right

We can feel it in our hearts,

laying here

held tight in your arms 

looking into your eyes,

absentmindedly loving the way you smile a little wider when you are around me

Glad that after all this time wanting you

I have finally gotten what I want

a wish that has been granted after such a long time

the one thing that I want now and forever.

It's hard to believe that there was a time where we were all wrong for each other

but what they say is true

opposites attract.

The way your arms are around me,

holding me,

telling me that you will never let go,

that you dont want to

I beleive every word you say to me

you tell me you love me

and I have no doubt you mean it

and in case you didnt know,

I want you to know

how very much I love you

with every piece of me,

there's no doubt in my mind that we were meant to be,

I feel it deep inside of me,

when I think about your face,

your deep brown eyes,

I get this feeling all through my body,

I can't see,

I can't think,

I can't breathe,

and that's how I know that I love you so.

Master of the rain

Every journal entry begins and ends with your name

You lurk in my mind

Around every star's shadow

Raindrop on the window pane

Light in my eye

Every time I see you

I run to your sweet touch

But soon the battle will resume

Between forgiveness and a grudge

You're the reason that I smile

You're why my heart breaks

Why the Truth lies in waiting

His tears in the rain

You hide in an umbrella

Viewing water as a challenge

When you're the one yourself

Who can end this storm of malice

You're blinded by the wind

By the waves

By my “rules” in your face

By your lack of true knowledge

By your own selfish pain

Master of the rain Read more »

The monster,

that deadly beast,

each time a tourist peeks in,

it has a feast.

 

A tour guide is leading me,

deep in a forest,

where the monster's cave

is said to be,

 

with four eyes,

and long claws,

and big globs of green goo,

dribbling out of its mouth.

 

Now I peer at a sign,

stare at the cave,

expecting the monster to pounce,

all full of rage.

 

Oh the fear,

 

oh the terror,

and . . .

 

It's a fluffy pink rabbit!

Two white ears emerge from the den,

no four eyes, no sharp claws, no green drool,

 

Just pink fluff.

 

I sit down at the table on Christmas Eve.  I smell the turkey on the table.  The fire burns low.  The embers glow a deep orange, deeper than emotions from the heart.  I hear my relatives laughing and playing. Read more »

It's the newness, always. The novelty. The starting-over mindset that tags along with the cold, with the urgency of it all. We like the calm and the still, the letting-go of everything that's resting underneath. Everything that was before or meant before or felt before. We like that we're able and obligated to do so, because it’s artificially freeing. The appeal of winter is only watching the world as it gets covered and lost. Read more »

 

            “Close your eyes” that’s the last thing I heard before I drifted into a deep drug induced sleep. Courtesy of the anesthesiologist, by tomorrow morning I wouldn’t have a perfect non-scarred knee anymore. No, I would have five scars to be exact. I’m 14. Surgery was never in my plans, or dreams, or anything for that matter. I think this as my eyes start to droop, my breathing slows, and once again I hear “You’ll be okay, trust us, close your eyes”. 

Read more »

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If you did not go to school you would not be taught, and then you would not get a job, and then you would starve because you did not go to school.  That is why teaching is important.

My vision has been cleared these past few days 
I see the blemishes and shudder 
I question why I walked upon this desolate, scarred ground for so long 
There is no longer a magnetizing devotion pulling me toward what I once thought was my future 
Instead, I see how much has changed 

Or has it? 

Was I simply blinded by my own desperate hopes that I dared not look upon the prideful and condescending gaze? 
I suppose every one is changing now  Read more »

It has been three years, two months and twenty-three days since that night. My father warned me about this. He told me that because of my memory and of my feelings of that night I should not write this. I know that what he said is true for as I write this and read this over and over I feel and see that night come alive before me like I am watching a 3-D movie at the drive in theatre. Read more »

“Ella,” my nanny chastises me, “keep that back straight before I make you do another hour of bordering. The knights do need more capes.”
Huh, I think, straightening my back before walking slowly to not knock off the two books balanced on my head. If I have sew another crest of my kingdom on another blue cape I am going to scream.
“Yes, my Lady,” I say almost inaudible. If I drop these books again that is another cape that I have to sew. Read more »

I feel so lost in thought,
The dim light swaying left and right,
Illuminating the medieval library.
My head goes here and there,
Thinking about this and about that at the same time.
The fire crackles and cracks with life,
The black wood charred and gray.
My mind zooms to the past before running to the future.
It goes to the task before me while I think about other that I am going to do next.
I clench my writing paper tight in my hands,
My pen gripped between my fingers.
Thinking….
Thinking, thinking, thinking….
Think, think, think, thinking…. Read more »

My friend and I are Night and Day.
She, who is tall, slim and a beautiful brunette,
One that stands out and people admire and love.
While I am short, stocky, quiet and blonde,
One who hides on the wall like a fly, watching as the day goes by.
She, who takes command and “leads her people into battle”.
I, who just rather do it all by myself.
Night cares for herself and for some of her family.
I, Day, cares for everyone around me, even my enemies.
Night always strives for a good fight.
I, Day, tries to stop them.
One that others run to, to greet and talk to. Read more »

He hears a shuffle of feet
Drawing his attention to a blonde princess.
Not making eye contact with her steel blue eyes
Like she avoids his own.
They pass each other with icy looks.
Feeling her eyes burn into the back of his neck
They walk apart from each other.
And when he feels her eyes move away from him,
He looks back.

There was a child went forth every day
And all that he saw, he believed to be beautiful
Like the flowers that became a part of him as he picked lilies for the girl next door whose name was Lily
And she would giggle as he ran alongside her to fill jars of fireflies
Then the stars became a part of him as he sat up in bed, wishing upon one, wishing that his fireflies would live forever like the stars
And the grass became a part of him too as he kicked soccer balls and fell upon the ground, painting green smudge stains across his white uniform Read more »

I’m walking on a tight rope
Which isn’t ideal
Because I’ve got bad balance,
My shoes are too tight,
And I keep on squinting
From the glare of limelight.
There’s no net beneath me
And my trapeze skills are weak,
To fall or continue—
Both options look bleak.
I can’t give up
Because disappointment scares me
When I’m the heart of failure
Regret is the kidney.
Perhaps I could give up,
Melt into the floor,
Try my best
To completely ignore
The fact the your eyes
Will always find me,
That in a pitch black room,
My presence is blinding. Read more »

April 4, 2011
A loud, noisy bang fills my ears, only to be canceled out by the scream of my furious mother. "What was that?" she screams. "Johnny Flagle Junior, don't make me come down there!"
"But it was nothing," I reply.
"Well then, who did it? An ogre?" she screams, louder than ever. Read more »

it's been tough these past few years
without you there
without your care
and now i'm just remembering it all
everything you ever showed me
you taught me to be who i am
and told me why a laugh was so important
so vital

yeah, you once fit me like a puzzle piece
but now you seem afraid of me
and i just want to see that childhood joy once more
a reminder of what innocence was like,
those late night chats
giggling about boys and the pain associated with unrequited puppy loves
you stood by as life passed on
but somehow we lost each other in the haze of high school Read more »

When my Grandma was a little girl, there were squirrels in her backyard. She fed them all types of nuts. One day she was in her backyard. A squirrel saw she had no nuts; he got mad. He jumped on her head and held on tight. She screamed and tried to pull it off. Her mom tried to help. Finally they got it off. Her dad hit it with a broom, "Whack!!" That was the last time a squirrel jumped on her head.