for you

did it strike you as odd

that you left me just as the geese

flew south,

perhaps because of my flawed

Northern Aggression,

my seasonal and seasonless

depressions.

Nowadays you hold me, kiss beside my lips

and say

"I like you, even though you're

crazy as fuck."

You were never a poet

but still the geese fly south.

i.

& i tied myself

to a rope 

of silly-string, half

convincing myself

that it would just

stretch

& bounceback

like a rubber band

[rubber bands snap]

ii.

everyone falls sometimes

but my fingers were slipping

long before

I watched my hand

release its grip

iii.

we've all learned by now

that

hearts make 

their own decisions

& most of the time Read more »

Everyone knows
that the whole
is equal
to the sum of its parts.

One and one
is two.

That's how it works.

Except we're
still just
one and one.

Maybe we're
afraid that
when we do
the addition
when we check the answer
it won't be right.

& so we're still
on opposite sides
of an unbalanced
equation, just
waiting for
the trinomials
to factor themselves. Read more »

It's far too late
[or perhaps early]
for me to be able
to justify
still being awake.

But dammit, I'm
leaving so
I will write this for you
because I haven't
written something
with Autumn in mind
in far too long.

Autumn is all I've
dreamt of since
spring, if you believe it.

Sometimes I forget
that we've both
been tossing coins
into the water.

We're almost there.

[I think being able
to see
the morning moon
has twisted up
the cells of that
squishy pink
residing in my skull.]

Words swirl around
my head, and
I don't know
what else
to do with them, so
I just
throw them at you.

Fantasies form in
my mind
while blisters
form on my heels.

I can taste your name
on my lips
crisp & sweet
as fresh-picked
shiny red strawberries.
I can hear your voice
in my sleep,
singing me
a melody
to give me goosebumps
like the sun
on my back.

& as I trace
your name on my skin
I wonder what
my love is
doing now.

I lay back in the sharp
green grass
and watch it
grow & sway
in the
nonexistent breeze.
Because in Summer, Highland Falls, air
stands still - probably
trying to set an example
for time.

This summer
lives in love.
In clifftops Read more »

I never really knew brainfreeze
until now.
The heat of
summer
is melting
the icecaps so that
freezing water drips and
slides down the back of my neck.
It chills my spine
& is cutting off
brain function.
& yet, my palms
are sweating.
It's hot & it's
sweltering, but
it's cold
& it's frigid
all at the same time.

I want the calm
cool of autumn.

My brain is frozen.
I can't think.

I don't know what to do.

I'm trying and trying
to shake it off
like a dog
and sort out
my own goddamn head, but
nothing [rational]
is coming to mind.

What still gets me Read more »

I am always up
later than I should be
laying awake
thinking of you.

I wonder how many
miles you are from me.
I wonder what it would take
to get you by my side.
I wonder what miracle I would need
to find myself
in the place where you are 
hidden from me.

Autumn, you know 
that the time until I see you
is decades in the measurements
I have to use, 
and yet I could count the seconds
on my fingers.

You haunt my every thought.
My mind has 
made a habit
of trying to make 
every connection to you
it possibly can. 

You are my Autumn.
[You did say Read more »

let me pull you in,
trace my hands across your skin,
whisper your name with my own
and let the winds be blown
this passion burns,
returns,
with a fire even greater
when it comes back later.
mmhmm.

wrote your name in pencil,
scrawled in cursive cross my desk.
didn’t matter; you’re far, still
and what do i have left?

i’m coming to terms with my own insanity,
own goddamned vanity.
mmhmm.
wondering how far you are away.
will i see you soon another day?

sing along to my tune.
you’re not winter, you’re June.
Autumn and June, such an odd romance. Read more »

Once again,
it is me here alone
with the computer.

Once again,
left by myself, because
no one really knows
that I'm in pain.

[I do my best to hide it.]

You don't really know
either, y'know.

I do my best to
keep you informed-
in the loop,
but I'm not even
that knowledgeable
myself.

I think
there might be
some little defect
in my subconscious
that makes me
want the depression.
Some little creature
hiding in my brain
that makes me crave
the tears and the hurt
and that
crushing,
defeating feeling
of heartbreak. Read more »

I have something close to no doubt that someone will ask me to podcast this. I'll try. Hopefully before I have to leave TDI, being without any way at home to record.

i sang,
the words have stopped working
and they're blurring together
into something a little like rhyme
most of the time.

perhaps we said forever,
but these all are ties we'll sever.
when the rain falls,
i never really think at all.
do you realize what we've done?
do you see what we've become?
all the things we sung; mmhmm.

hey beautiful girl,
can i write you the world? Read more »

(I told you once
that you remind me of
the fall.)
Autumn.

Fiery & colorful.
Warm & cool
& fleeting.

(I told you once
that I didn’t think
you’d have time for me.)

Sometimes I convince myself
that I was right,
because you see Autumn,
time doesn’t move for me
the same way it does for you.
It slows to a crawl when
it thinks I need something.
Time doesn’t stop
ever,
but it does hold grudges.
I don’t know what I did to it,
but time doesn’t elapse
fast enough for me.
It stretches itself
only to make me think
that I’ve lived longer.
[It knows that Read more »

if I told you you were beautiful, would you
believe me?
believe me?(.)
[you are]

if I promised forever, would you
come to find me? take me away
by the hand
and lead me off to some place
less shameful?(.)

if I said I love you, would you 
smile? wrap your arms around my waist
and say it back?(.)

if I still like you better than I like myself, will you
still want to help me? close your eyes
and press your lips to mine and
love me anyway?(.)

So here's the thing-
I hate you
sometimes.

Except not really.

I hate myself.
[mostly]

I am so fucking
tired
but these damn eyes won't
close.
(You know,
last night was the latest 
I've ever stayed up
ever)
-and it was all just so
I could cry over you
[& others, because
I just feel so
bad
all the time.]

Except not really.

My body shifts between
being too cold
and this awful heat.

I wish I could 
figure out my own head
enough to tell you
how to fix me.

I wish I could
be happy 
if only for you
{don't hurt for me-
it's not worth the tears Read more »

Sometimes I become 
broken 
over happiness
that isn't even
my own. 
I lose myself 
in the 
envy
I feel for those 
who know all
[that I do not.] 

Even if I 
don't know you
{as I should like to}
I will try
because darling
I cannot understand 
what is going through
that lovely little head of yours
that makes you
want to spin such 
beautiful songs. 
[And for me?
Darling, you must know
how much I 
need you already.
You're only 
strengthening the glue
that binds my heart to yours.]

I cry myself to sleep
for people I
don't know
simply because
I do know them. Read more »

I wonder if you would believe me
if I said I could catch the light
in your eyes in my hands.
Would you believe it
if I told you I could feel
your heart beating from miles away?

Time has a tendency to slip away
but you can still be you, and I will be me.
Sometimes it's like I can feel
the hours rush past as the dark fades to light.
You know who I am, but do you know it
when I stare at the clock and make stars in my hands?

Weeks become years as pencils shrink in my hands
and I see your reflection somewhere far away.
You take a breath, and I can feel it Read more »

I’m wondering how many ways
there are to say
forever
because it’s
9:57 and the clock’s running
out.
Head in my hands and
heart somewhere else
(with you).

Dreaming of
orange sundresses
[& I promise you still I’ll
get married in orange]
and train rides and
stormclouds. What’s forever
to a stormcloud?
Half an hour of
thunder and lightning and then
it’s gone.
Is that how they see
forever?

Hey beautiful girl,
this is forever. Hold me
close. When will I give you up?
Never.
Hey beautiful girl,
you’ll always have some part of
me. Treat it well; please.
Read more »

It appears
to me
that we have done this all
entirely backwards.
Inside-out.

Everything about us
is untraditional.
We fell for
each other's mind. And
how often does that happen?

I've still yet to
witness your smile
or the sound of
your laugh
(which I imagine
is the equivalent of
wind-chimes
or something akin to
the sound of a
trickling stream,
bubbling and such.)

I've not
heard you sing,
though I know that
you love to
do so.
That singing for
you, is like
breathing for
the rest of us.
It keeps you
well and alive,
helps to kindle Read more »

i. And in her eyes stars shine,
twinkling like Christmas lights on strings.
Our sidewalks are covered in cracks,
but we're beginning to fill them in.
Her name is engraved on my heart
and in a moment I'd give her the rest of my days.

ii. I'm chasing waterfalls these days-
my own little pond has lost its shine.
She's grabbed hold of my heart.
(Don't let it go. Clasp it by the strings
and keep it close.) She has my soul in
her hand. She's begun to seal its cracks.

iii. And of course I will help her fill her cracks,
for we all have them. Remnants of more painful days. Read more »

I've begun to run
out of metaphors
that symbolize
my emotions
towards you.

I think about you
day in and
day out and
separation
is beginnning to
wear on me.

I want to show you
my world-
I want you to show me
yours.

I want the two
to become one
and the same.

I can nearly
feel the fire that
burns in your heart.
I can nearly
see the nebulae
lighting newborn stars
in your eyes.

I am here and
you are there,

and so I daydream.

Images float in and
out of my imagination-

the two of us
atop some
lonely hill,
smiling and talking, Read more »

i.
There was something in the air-
something that burned like fire,
that filled us with something close to wonder.
We breathed in the night
and it made our hearts swell,
so we closed our eyes and lost track of time.

ii.
I looked into her eyes and this time
I saw it all, clearer than mountain air.
She held my hand, & god, it was swell.
Her fingers left trails of fire
glowing in the black of the night,
and it was so close to magic, I had to wonder.

iii.
I saw music in her veins and I was filled with wonder-
is it that which defines her, steals away her time? Read more »

I could see a fire, burning
somewhere behind the panes of
sky-blue glass in her
eyes that said forever, and I
wondered if I was merely flattering myself
when I thought of it as
thoughts of me.

Somebody said,
turn the water on so hot that it
burns you; somebody forgot
to finish painting the clouds,
so slammed the sky with gray and
called it a masterpiece, said it was
all the perfection
that we needed.

Somebody promised there was
glory in bombs and murder and
pain and the screams of humans; somebody’s emotions
were a little
out of whack.

I laced her fingers with mine, Read more »

I always thought you'd be my best friend.
You became so much more.
When I think of my life before,
it kills me to think it all might end.
Is that why you're so reluctant to press 'send?'
Without you, you must know, my life is rather a bore-
and the idea of losing you makes my body physically sore.
So come to me, and together, the rules we'll bend.

You know dear, that now is all we've got.
You know dear, that more than anything I need you.
You are the 'fluffy' to my 'bunny,'
and some days it seemse like you forgot,
but you changed my world- made it exciting and new. Read more »

It seems I can
see better
the future
than the past.

I can see us
dancing amidst snowflakes
in winters to come,
and laying out on
the hood of a car
to watch a coming
sunrise.

I envision
walks through parks,
our hands
linked together.

I almost always
see our hands held, with
our fingers
interlocked.

I often see
my head
on your shoulder
or our arms around
the others' waist.

I can see us
huddled together on
the couch,
watching some movie
that we both love.
(Pixar, most likely.)

And our frames
will fit together
and we'll listen to Read more »

There were secrets whispered
in mirror-walled rooms,
secrets that you & I only
knew.
We’ve forgotten the things
that we tried to remember
and all I really know now
is that I want to
breathe the air that
you are breathing, see the world
as you see it.

Someone played the guitar in
three-four time, so
I took your hand and
spun you around and we
waltzed. One
two three one two
three one two three
& at the end I lifted you
into the air and twirled you around
and you laughed.

We skipped hand-in-hand
down cobblestone streets and
giggled, bent Read more »

I drew a flower on
the back of my hand
and wrote your name in
the petals.

I dream of it growing
into a real
living beauty.
I would cradle its
fragile existence in my
hands. Hold it
in the
bowl of my fingers.

I'll set it down
in a stream,
careful not to
crush its
oh so breakable
stem.

I'll see it
drift away
as I did once
dream of doing
myself.

Sun will flow through trees,
lighting prisms and
swirling colors around
my head.

Perhaps I'll get
lost in
my own little
rainbow vortex.

Perhaps the colors will
spin themselves
back into flowers Read more »

You know, I can't seem to get you out of my head. I can't go five minutes without something reminding me of you. I don't know why this is or how it happened, but it makes my heart beat faster and adrenaline course through my veins and I can't seem to get you out of my head.

I know that this will probably sound ridiculous to you, but I've got this new fear that I'm going to lose you. I'm afraid you'll get tired of me and fall in love with someone else. Maybe not even fall in love with somebody else, I'm afraid you'll fall out of love with me. Read more »

So, wanna know one of my secrets? I think you'll find it's rather similar to yours.

I'm kind of terrified to meet you in person. I'm afraid that you'll be expecting some amazingly deep and eloquent beauty. I've got to tell you, in real life, I'm not nearly so elegant with my words. I'm usually just awkward and sarcastic. At first, at least.

I'm very emotional, but most of the time I have trouble conveying what I'm feeling. The only way I really know how to express things is through drawing and writing, and clearly I cannot just walk around with a notebook all the time. Read more »

And it seems
our thoughts run
along the same
wavelength.

I don't need to
see you
to know you're
beautiful.

And yet,
I can't help but
fear that
I
won't be enough.
That I'll
disappoint you
in some way.

I'm trying to
be myself,
but I feel as if
when we meet,
I won't be
the person
you'll be expecting.

I love you.
I don't even know
how it happened,
but I am yours,
and I just
don't want you to be
let down
when you find out
that I may
not
be as you picture me.

It seems that
you feel
the same way. Read more »

Hey, 
let me write you a story. 
For old times sake. 

It's a silly little tale 
about a silly little girl & the 
winter & the ice blue of the
sky at 5:26 am. 
You will always be November
in my heart; that will never change. 
I'm fairly confident that once upon 
a time a man carved the first words
into the corners of your down wings
& since then & forever layers 
upon layers of poetry have been braided into
their soft feathers. 

At the edge of the winter
is a grace period for sinners. It's when 
Jesus breathes his silver smoke into Read more »