humor

Me and my friend, Conner, were racing through the dark, cold streets. My vampire dress flowed behind me, and my boots thudded against the hard cement road. It was the night of Halloween, and our baskets were nearly full, even though we had started trick-or-treating 15 minutes ago.

"Race you to Gary's house!" He  shouted. I pushed him aside and ran faster. He said that was cheating, but I told him that he should run faster. That made us both chuckle. We skidded to a stop at Gary's doorstep. Conner reached forward to ring the doorbell. "Trick or treat!" I said, flashing my fake vampire teeth. Gary shoved some Hershey's chocolate  bars into our baskets.

Conner leaned over to my ear, and I looked at him. "Race you to Julie's!" he whispered, shoving me and dashing away. I turned around and waved to Gary, wishing him a happy Halloween, smiling once again, then turning around to take off after Conner. I looked down at my basket. Halfway down the pathway to the road I stopped. Suddenly, my mouth felt....empty. I ran my tongue over my teeth, but didn't feel my vampire teeth. I dropped to the ground and ran my fingers through the grass. "I los my teeth!" I shrieked. Gary chuckled behind me. "I do all the time, dear!" he called back. A bunch of kids walking by laughed.

I blushed, but thankfully no one could see it in the darkness. I searched on for a few more minutes, but I couldn't find my teeth. I stood up and brushed the dirt and grass off my dress and, after a brief glance over Gary's yard, I took off after Conner. Read more »

"Why did you put all of my doilies on the mantelpiece?"

"So the cats can't get to them!"

"I don't have any cats."

"There could still be cats in the house."

---

"Paper cuts are a serious business."

---

"Maybe we should just stop doing work and watch cat videos."

---

"I love babies who laugh maniacally."

---

"There's this video of this guy with a British accent singing pop songs on a banjolele"

---

"No one asked me if they could change hip-hop."

---

...I am concerned. I am deeply concerned about my school. These are direct quotes from unnamed sources. 

What? 

Echoed between the rapid rate of which my solidarity flys through the vines of life so tangled upon my need for self exiling and my pursuit of progression rings flat. Like a soft dimmed note seeming to mock a call of more diluted easily digested time  of life, I don't listen that often. Something about repetition and insanity knits me close to the examination of my life, like a shirt corner grabbed by a child to stay in tow with their parents through a cloud of blurring strangers. I too am a blurred child holding onto corners, ones with lots of smoke and mirrors. Though I'm self consumed I often doubt doubreflectionsthe reflections, flashbacks of my same facade often bring me to a dark place, a look I've seen before. Something about the medication I take to cure being kidnapped by the past, human contact keeps me well, ivory skin and watery eyes are doses I seek daily. 

Echoed between me is the finish of lines I've crossed,  

Smudged and faded, 

I value transformation.

I was told to to write a story

I cannot think of what to write

I don't want it to be boring,

Should I write about a kite

or maybe a first bite

I could write about a princess

or a knight

I could right about a pirate ship

sailing the ocean blue

or a old brown cow Read more »

Six word stories are so overrated

It’s almost as if it’s decided without speech,

To go, to run to the line, grab ammo,

You struggle backward, away from all foe,

Sometimes galloping, or crawl on all fours, Read more »

  Read more »

First, I wish for unlimited wishes. Next I wish for world peace. And finally, I wish for a turkey sandwich, I'm starving.

I wrote a poem

to freak out my friend

but it was put in the paper

and now my social life  is coming to an end

everyone thinks I'm insane

including my mom

they think I'm in need of a theripist

or I need to go to HELP-ME.com

they think I have anger

built up inside

or that I have a friend 

that recently died

I'm perfectly fine

I'm nice and cheery

although my friend Daelyn has a diffrent theory

most of my friends know that I'm fine

and I am going to end this poem soon

because it's getting hard to rhyme

I do have one comment 

I wont eat your kids

and when you call me with such lement

I get kind of angry

and want to punch a hole in the wall

just kidding but this poem is seeming to stall

I am not crazy

insane or even too  lazy

but when you tell me I'm scary

I get a little unmerry

Marcus McCollum

4-22-13

writing

cell phone

  Read more »

My Restaraunt

If I owned a restaraunt it would be called Taters and the whole restaraunt would be based on potatoes. The menu would go something like this:

Entrees

Taters with mac 'n cheese

Taters with chicken

Taters with steak

Sides

Taters

Taters with cheese

Taters with gravy

Dessert

Tater flavored ice cream

That or something silly like that would be my restaraunt.

Three more wishes.

  Read more »

green mountains

pines roaring,

blue waters

crisp like an apple,

red trees

leaves fall,

plush grass

under every step

black birds

Cawing,

Birds

Beautiful, Majestic, Cuning

Masters of the sky

A.L.O.E

            Hello, my name is Number Forty. Today’s date is 80,066 A.L.O.E, which stands for After Life On Earth. Since you’re from the past, you probably don’t know it also means the time after the last tree was cut down and the last ocean was drained through the sonic drain in the center of the earth.

            That wasn’t what we intended to do, but lets just say the Tree Cloning Company and the Sonic Drain Company got out of control.

            There are also some other experimental companies that had the reverse effect, like Number Seventy-Nine’s Naturalizing Robot Factory.

            Everything was going fine until Number Seventy-Nine pressed a wrong button. The results were terrible. It released a new helium-like gas  into the air, causing people all over to have nasal voices, and worse yet, shrink the people who worked in the robot building. Soon after, Number Seventy-Nine was attacked by small angry people with nasal voices.  

            On that same day, there were reports of the strange gas doing something to the stuffing of cuddly robot teddy bears that made them attack kids. Read more »

Billy Chong was a Chinese guy. He lived in a small mud hut in the village of Beijing. Billy was kind of like a chef; he owned a small dumpling stand on the side of the highway. His lifelong dream was to open the biggest dumpling shop in the world. Dumplings were Billy’s life. They were the only food he ate and dumplings gave him the money needed to buy his house and motorcycle. Billy was not only a dumpling maker; he was a kung fu master. Billy was so good at kung fu that he could fight a billion other kung fu masters with his feet tied behind his back and still kill all his opponents.

Once there was a man who owned a food stand in Mexico City. His name was Fish. Fish loved to cook. He was especially good at making fish tacos and sushi. Everyday Fish would set up his stand outside the museum of animals and make his food and sell it. All of his dishes had some sort of fish and tasted really good. People called his food stand "The Best Food Stand in the World", "The Best Sushi in Mexico", "The Best Fish Tacos in the World" and many others. The food stand was famous all around Mexico and people from all over the world (mostly people who lived in Mexico though) flocked to his small food stand. Fish was not just known for his food though, he was also the nicest person in all of Mexico. He would give lots of discounts and might even give away some food for free if someone didn't have the money. Fish was very famous but not so rich. He lived in a small cardboard shack with his pet cucumber Jackie Chan. His cucumber was called that beacause Jackie knew how to do kung fu. Jackie was a kung fu cucumber. He could beat up fifty people with his hands tied behind his back and blindfolded.

Victorious

Awesome

Carefree

Amazing

Teriffic

Imaginable

Open to the world

Never ending

Number one, I’d wish for world peace and all humans to work as a team.

Number two, I’d save the environment and have the whole planet go green.

Number three, while we’re at it, I’d wish for infinite Ice Cream.

“So i was like talking to her, and all the sudden Mia walks up behind me, and she’s like, ‘take this you idiot,’ and she slaps me, and i’m all, ‘what the heck?’ but she just like walks away, and”….  My text conversation goes on and on, blissfully pointless, but strangely satisfying.  I always say that friends are better through a phone, and I live like it.  I hardly ever see my best friend anymore, because I don’t need to.  She’s right there in my pocket.  Today my mom said I should get outside, so now I’m walking around downtown, with my eyes glued to the mesmerizing glow of my phone, which I hold reverently, like it’s a holy artifact.  My thumbs hammer away, sending every little thought I have out to my bff.  Actually, I can’t even quite remember what she looks like.  I think she’s blond… no, wait; maybe she has brown hair…whatever.  I don’t really care.  As long as she keeps up the texts, it doesn’t matter.  I find myself wandering up Main Street, and crossing it without looking up.  In the background, I hear some honking and the screech of tires.  Whatever.  I walk into the mall, and wander through the crowds. Read more »

Spiders. Spiders really scare me. I can’t even tell you how much they bother me. I can’t have a single spider in my room at all, because I always get freaked out when I go to sleep, and then I can’t go to sleep. So I have to kill it. The absolute only way I can overcome my fear of spiders is by killing them. I have no spiders in close proximity, though I know they are hiding somewhere very close by. Once a spider fell on my pillow when I tried to kill it. I didn’t sleep on that pillow for a week. Spiders always bite me whenever they get into my room, and I always tear my room apart just to destroy him, evil fiend. He probably thinks he’s all big and cool because he bit me. Well guess what? Karma hurts, especially when it hits you with a shoe. Read more »

What really scares me is something no one knows,

something you will never see, something you will never play with.

What really scares me will never be in movies,

will never be done, will never be found.

What really scares me will never be on the radio, will never be caught on tape.

What really scares me is dropping my own crispy-fried chicken.

I was alone. So alone. There was nobody to talk to. I tried to console myself by reading a book, but I couldn’t do that without the comfort of my better half right beside me. So I ate. And ate some more. But even the greatest food tasted bland. I went shopping, then put everything back because I wouldn't be able to post my new outfits on Instagram and hashtag like, a billion things. I couldn't even Tweet that my day was awful. I had no idea what my best friend was doing two houses down. What if she had gotten hurt today? What if she got a new haircut? I wouldn't even know until Monday and I would be surprised. And being surprised is super lame. Knowing things as soon as it happens makes you so much cooler. My chest ached to see if my boyfriend posted on my wall that he thought I was beautiful. But he couldn't even do that if he hasn't seen what I was wearing today, which I post on Facebook anyway. I think I started to break out into a cold sweat. My hands get clammy and my thumbs kept twitching. I swear my parents keep smirking at me. God, they love the torture I’m enduring. How could they do Read more »

One day i was walking in the mall going to all the stores. Then I came across an old friend who now is known as Stinky Steve. Nobody really liked going to his house smelt like a barn, that and he liked walk aroud in the buff.  I tried to avoid him but he found me and i hesitated and said "oh, hi Steve what are you doing here? I questioned.

"Oh you know shopping for my girl," Steve said like it was a normal thing

I was a little shocked that Teve actually had a girlfriend until she came around the corner. They looked so alike that some people could mistake them for eachother but then I thought about about that and that wouldn't really be a good thing. "who's this honey?" Steves girlfriend asked in a little chuckle.

"Oh there you are honey, meet Aidan he and old friend of mine. Aidan meet Birtha my girlfriend" Read more »

By Haylee C.

Have you ever, imagined something so gross it makes you want to puke up what you ate for the last 3 months? Well, I’ve had that feeling when I tried…….. BRUSSEL SPROUTS. They are the nastiest things nature has ever made. When I first tried them I was at my mom’s boyfriend’s parent’s house, and my mom told me I had to try them. She said “they are good with butter” in a quite voice so only I could here her. My mouth puckered with displeasure as I went to take my first bite. As I bit into the slimy warm brussel sprout I got a taste of buttery bitterness. A taste I never want to try again. For the rest of the dinner I just played with the rest of them. I hope in my future I will never come in contact with then again!    

CRASH!!!!

        “No mom, I didn't do it. It was that new kid down the street.”

        “Son, there is no new kid down the street. Don't lie to me.”

        “You didn't hear about the Ronburg family?”

        “What? The Ronburg family?”

        “Yes. They just moved in yesterday.” Read more »

   I taped my pencil on the desk beside me, causing my teacher, ms. karlos to glare at me for the 5th time today.

   I stared at my math assignment hating it even more every second, I mean, who knows how to add fractions? Not me that's for sure. I riped a little piece of paper of of my math work and scribled: math, math, math! I hate math! On it. I passed it to my friend as carefuly as I could, but ms. Karlos looked at me with the evil teacher eye of of death. life is over, and it's doom for me. I looked up at ms. Karlos with a sheppish grin, "hi ms. Karlos your looking afully scary today!" I said. "get back to your math!" she ordered. "Ys sir." I mumbled.

   so, back to the horror story, so bla bla bla, math bla bla bla school. When I got home, mom was glaring at me and holding the phone in my hand, "What did I do this time?" I asked getting annoyed. "ms. Karlos just called, and well you got assigned a tutor. she said looking down at the floor. "A TUTOR!!!!" I said, horrafied. "Yes, a tutor, and dont scream so loud. she said.

   Angry tears streamed down my cheeks, turning my face a blotchcy red color. Mom put her arm around me and kissed my head, "It's not that bad!" she said. "You only meet twice a week." she said, trying to calm me down. "It's only for 2 weeks!" she said. "and it's just to help you get better at math." she finished. With a little help you can do any thing!" she said.

Ladies and gents, after being down for almost two months with updates and repairs, the new and improved Robopoem 2.0 is back online and ready for action.  Will this new software pose an even greater threat to the community of human poets?  We will soon see.  Gear up for a new episode of Man vs. Machine within the next few days!

The new Robopoem has been wedded to a software program called Cut'n'Mix V 6.0.  From what I gather, this means that instead of relying on an old database and an existing thesaurus, the new Robopoem is powered by a dedicated server which can scan the Internet and the literary world for new and pre-existing material on which to base it's creations.  Simply diabolical, isn't it?

My humblest apologies for the long hiatus, but now the machine is back online, battle can commence!  

Comment if you want a particular poet or poem featured in a future episode!

Cheers,

Wing

At first I was swimming in my grandparents’ swimming pool with my twin cousins Jack and Tim. I dove under and when I tried to come up there was a covering and I couldn’t get out. I was trapped underwater. I paddled frantically while holding my breath. I could hear my heart beating in my ears and then I just couldn’t do it anymore. I sucked in a huge lungful of water and...

I was fine. I tried it again and again. I could breathe underwater. I happily waved my fins- wait fins? Yes, I had two shiny, scaly fins as well as a shimmering tail. Was I a fish? I guess so.

Awesome! But why was I a fish? I thought about it and decided I hadn’t eaten anything weird. I had had a normal day until now. Read more »

I hate a lot of things. When people pretend to be someone they're not, when people give me too much homework, when people pass me and my mom on the highway. I mean, that's just telling us, "hey man you're so slow I bet a slug could pass you!" Sure, that may be tur but have a little respect buddy. I hate Taylor Swift. Her music...I don't exactly know her well enough to judge her personality but I don't like her music. I don't appreciate when people interrupt me. When people don't respond to my emails. Yeah there are a lot of things. I hate it when people steal my ideas. Once I had an idea to make the coolest thing ever. It was a balloon with a ;P on it. Like an actual semi colon and uppercase P. This was in second grade so I was pretty excited. Anyway, I tol dmy best friend and the next day, she came to school with a red balloon with a ;P on it. She got so many compliments. I got pretty mad, but you learn to forgive and forget. One other thing I hate, when people eat food that I really want right infront of my face and are unwilling to share. You know who you are. 

Don't think that I hate everything. There are so many countless things I love. Music for example. Friends. Family. You know, classic things. I have an epic sweet tooth. Give me a brownie and I will love you forever.