Feb 09
poem 0 comments challenge: Letter
ella.farrstarr's picture

To The First Girl I Loved


It's been a while since we last spoke,
And I know that we both yelled and said things
We thought we meant at the time.

I know that you went home and cried that night
I did the same.

But I'm hoping now's as good a time as ever
Now that the chips have fallen
Now that the dust has settled
The fire burned out.
Maybe now is the right time for me to tell you, thank you.

Thank you for holding my hand that first time when you knew I was scared to death.
For the time you made me laugh 
Because you knew I was about to cry.
For the dinner you made while dancing around my kitchen
And the way you pushed my hair back behind my ear.
Thank you for the thousand and one wishes we made on shooting stars,
for the ninety nine times you had to pick me up off the group and kiss my bruised ego.
Thank you for showing me what love felt like
What it's like to be loved that deeply for that long.
Feb 05
essay 10 comments challenge: It
ella.farrstarr's picture

Coming Out

It changed everything...
the day I came out to my parents as gay.

I was one of the lucky ones. I grew up with parents who always told me that I could be anything I wanted. Parents who promised their love and support no matter where my life should take me. So maybe it shouldn't have been so hard for me to tell them that I liked girls in the way that most of my friends liked boys. But it was.
Feb 05
poem 6 comments challenge: Family
ella.farrstarr's picture

An Open Letter To The Parents That Put Me Up For Adoption

I don't know you. I doubt I'll ever know you.
I'm not even sure I'd want to know you if I was given the chance.
But I'm your daughter, I guess.
And I want you to know that I came out all right.

My parents— my real parents. They love me.
And they're amazing.
But I won't ever get to know whether I get my artistic hand from you.
Or if you were short and talked loudly like me.
Were you sarcastic like me? 
Are you the reason I like science and can do math easily?
Do I have your nose, Mom
or your lopsided smile, Dad
Do you even care?
Do I?

Did you think about that when you left me there?
Did you wonder whether I'd have questions when I got older? 
You had to have known I would.

I don't know if you still wonder about me.
Would you call me up and get to know me if you could?
You've probably tried to erase that day from your memories,
Feb 05
ella.farrstarr's picture

It Started Like A Fairytale How Did It End Like This


I remember the first time you held me
It was like a firework going off
Your hands were rough and callused
But your touch was oh, so soft.

We dozed out by the lake house
Went swimming in jean shorts
Got tangled up in soccer nets
And bruised on basketball courts

The first time you were joking
When you pushed me off the dock
And you never meant to hurt me
Even though I told you stop

You kissed my banged up knees
You bandaged all the scrapes
I found it all so charming
Even though you caused the aches

Still your love was oxytocin
I could bear the side effects
I thought it fun, not knowing
Just what you would do next

I loved your gentle side
So I didn't mind at all
That your angry fits resulted
In a huge hole in the wall

I told myself you meant it
When you said 'never again'
I was ignorant to trust
Jan 17
ella.farrstarr's picture

After The Beep

It’s me
Again.

I know that I shouldn’t be calling
but I needed to hear your voice.
Do you even realize
how stupid your answering machine is?
“Leave a message.”
Three words.
That’s all I get?

You used to never shut up
Always talking
Always something to say
Always.
And now
Three words.
The same three words over and over

Your mom still lets me pay your cellphone bill
I think she misses hearing you too

If only you could see me now
You’d probably tell me how pathetic I look
You’d say something sarcastic like
“Dead girls can’t answer phones, you know?”

You’re right.
Okay?
But I wouldn’t have to just sit here
With these
Three words.
If you hadn’t left me
“Dead girls can’t answer phones.”
C’mon can’t you come up with something better than that?
I know
I know
"Dead girls can’t make jokes either.”
Jan 17
ella.farrstarr's picture

One Unread Voicemail

It’s pretty late tonight
you’re probably sleeping by now
So don’t pick up that phone
I’ll just stay quiet
Somehow
I got it in my head
that I should give you a call
but don’t wake up for me
it’s not important at all

I just remembered
that summer we were fifteen
You threw me in the lake
In just my t-shirt and jeans
Your mom got mad at us
Because we stayed out so late
But I wouldn’t take it back
It was the perfect date

Remember when we flew
in planes up into the sky
You refused to come down
and when you did you cried
Or when we fell asleep
that night at the drive in theater
We didn’t want to go home
Or say goodbye either

So why did you say goodbye
And tell me "see you around"
You used to love me
before you let me fall down
I hope you’re sleeping well
But girl, it’s so unfair
That when I fall asleep
Jan 17
ella.farrstarr's picture

When I'm 33


I’ll say “remember when we were kids?
and we had our first kiss behind the gym?”
And how good you thought I looked wearing that green race car hoodie of yours?
And that little black dress I wore to catch your eye.

I’ll probably shake my head and laugh
About that time you threw me into the lake in my t-shirt and jean shorts
And you’ll remember that “God, I’d never looked so mad”

I’ll ask something stupid like if you still hate dragonflies
or if you still order a “BLT sandwich hold the tomato”
I’ll wonder if you ever got to float that air mattress out on the lake
And look at all those stars.

Hell, you’ll probably try to make some small talk
And ask about my folks
If they still drive me crazy like they did.
Tell me about your baby sister getting married
And your promotion at work

Maybe I’ll bite my lip the way that used to drive you crazy because
Oct 20
poem 0 comments challenge: General
ella.farrstarr's picture

In Love With a Poisoned Thing

It wasn't long ago
while in her garden bed
I picked a poison rose
that soon would have me dead

I couldn't help but pluck it
from black soil where it fell
I knew that if I touched it
it would be my blood to spill

Its crimsons petals so devine
it was to my allure
But for the poison in its roots
I didn't know a cure

So toxins flowed into my skin
where thorns had dug in deep
And this contaminated cocktail
soon made me fall asleep

When I awoke in black and white
I knew not who I was
For poisoned were my purple veins
and arrogance was the cause

It seems that I forgot what
my mother always said
"If you pick a poisoned rose,
you're the one who winds up dead."

Oct 20
poem 0 comments challenge: General
ella.farrstarr's picture

Murder on Whippoorwill Rd

You left me bleeding out on the street
The knife, your souvenir
And maybe I should think it sweet
But I don’t want you here

Princess are you happy now?
Does my broken heart suffice
Only I applaud as you take your bow
There’s no one else in sight

It seems I’ve made one big mistake
Brought a bomb to this gun fight
Can you feel your body shake
You’re afraid I might be right

Those three words are poisonous
You spat them on the floor
Your empty heart so ravenous
Begging you for more

So of course you fled the scene
But you’re fingerprints remain
You’re wrong to think you can get off clean
All that blood will leave a stain

You’re long gone now, you’re fading fast
Into another’s arms
And nothing good can ever last
I sounded your alarms

Oct 20
poem 0 comments challenge: General
ella.farrstarr's picture

Wanted: High Dosages of Morphine

The scars on my skin outweigh
The blood pumping through my veins
And the bruises on my aortic valve
Are blacker than the ones on my brain

I’ve seen heros lose the last shred of dignity
And seen blood spat and teeth grind
I have see mountains that killed hikers
And addictions that killed the mind

I have heard singers grow hoarse
I’ve felt a strong man’s fingers shake
I thought I knew pain
But this was more than I could take

I have licked the blood that covers my hands
Of girls I couldn’t save
I’ve picked apart the calluses
I got from digging my own grave
I know movies where the villain wins
and knights stabbed at sword’s end
I’ve battled a dozen enemies
And fought a thousand friends

I’ve been beaten till my face finds
A pillow on the floor
I’ve been to hell and back
But ne’er seen fire like this before