Feb 19

ugly cry blackout


Ugly cry blackout

Insensate plumes of gray

In desolate spaces

No more reveling

In the rouge

Even the rug

Feels cold

Beneath barren shoulders.

Ugly cry blackout

And the space between thighs

A desolate corridor

Begging mercy please.

Ugly cry blackout

Temples kissed with frost

Count the inches

Of skin

Less defouled

With discolor

Utmost importance 

Is the impotence.
 
Feb 19

flowers on her birthday


Flowers on her birthday

Silly sullen face of worry

Her detest and slow descent

Marriage to her self destruction

No hand of hers

Withered and pale 

Could accept

Anything but flowers

On her birthday

Her sheets wreaking of tomorrow

For each day lay to rest

In the same cold corner

A repetition of her reputation

Cyclical and cynical she wept

Over the pillows

That lay familiar

In a position never changed

The lights

Seemed to dim

Every hour

And she feared

The silver 

The sheen of age

Would reach her shoulders

Just in time

For flowers on her birthday.
 
Jan 01

Day

In the morning

The sun

Yearns for my waking eyes

The breeze is as mellow as my breath

That appears on the window

As if to greet me

In the morning

With a reminder

That i am alive

I relish in the softness

Of the blankets

That entrap my legs

Like vines

Pulling me against the bed

Keeping me in comfort.
In the afternoon

The light is enticing 

But the cold penetrates my skin

And dives beneath my clothes

Every hair stands up

In a rush

That travels to my head

And i am reminded

Where i am

May it be behind a desk

Fidgeting 

Or sat on the floor

Back against the wall

Sun shining through a glass door

Against my face

The light is so enticing.
In the evening
Nov 12

if i died last year

if i died last year.
i would have done more harm than good. but i didn’t realize that then. i couldn’t see into the future and see myself blossom from the decaying shell i once was. low is an understatement. i cannot find a word that truly describes how excruciating the pit in my stomach became. it was a constant weight that pinned me to the bed that rested in my cavern of dirty laundry and old dishes. it yanked me from any sense of direction, every feeling, every responsibility, every person i held dear. everything was a chore. eating. sleeping. talking. i felt like i was already dead. like my soul had slithered out from my stomach long ago, and left a pit. a cherry pit destined to rot from the inside out.
Nov 12

an empty mind

laying comatose on the floor of an empty mind

i am rotting at the seams

if i scream it’ll echo

i am no longer here

not completely present

i just look up and count the stars at the top of my skull

the constellations are gone and everything is dull again

i am rotting at the seems

ever fiber in my body wishes to go in a different direction

like when you kick an anthill

they scatter

i want to sit on the porch and watch the trees sway in the breeze

but i also want to plunge into the freezing ocean and soak myself

until i can no longer feel my limbs

but instead i just lay

motionless

in an empty mind

there is nothing here anymore

i am rotting at the seams

i lay and marinate in a puddle of my own demise

i am not strapped to the floor
Nov 12

a moment in time, love and affection

all day we held eachother like vines on a brick wall

intertwined 

there was a mutual feeling of longing and lust and comfort that didn’t need explaining

at times my chest felt tight and my eyes were sore

just as my fingernails dug into the flesh of my palms 

you peeled them back and i felt the pressure of your hand 

and your fingers curling between mine 

i cannot perfectly explain what feelings had come over me

for you

it was like sun on my back

a certain warmth that made my chest feel full

and my eyebrows furrow 

my lips part 

you are the sun

but better because i can look at you

and feel your light against my skin

and my tension begin to ease as we breathe as one

for once i am in love with the tenderness 
Mar 22

sorry, so sorry


i wish to reconcile with myself 
stand in the mirror
reach forward and shake away the blight that has settled upon my bones 
so i wish to say

i’m sorry, so sorry 
for the desolation i have inflicted upon myself 
which carried over
sometimes, beyond repair
to other aspects
i’m sorry, so sorry
for the brine that seems to permanently reside on my cheeks 
and the shadows that creep beneath my eyes 
and the skin that is no longer an even ivory hue. 

i wish to reconcile with those around me
i wish to say

i’m sorry, so sorry
that reconciliation is even necessary 
for the pain that rests deep in my marrow
that runs through my veins
cannot be scraped out so easily
as it has made a home within my body
and sometimes 
it will creep past my lips 
or fingertips 
and find a second one
and for that 
i cannot forgive myself
Oct 01

The Lake


I was drowning in the lake
I wanted to explore its depth
But you pulled me out for your own sake
I was forced to take a breath
Forced to spit out everything I had discovered about myself 
I was sprawled on the hot sand again, that familiar dryness filling my being
Lust for adventure was picked out of me like sea glass and put in a jar on the top shelf
When the night washed over the water, I found myself fleeing. 

I scraped the sand from between my toes
And scrubbed it from my hair
I blew away all my woes
Into the air
I sat on the shore and waited
Until once again I was isolated. 










Jul 11

Castle


I build a castle around myself
Every time my trust is broken
Thrown away
Tossed to the wind
I add a brick. 
I build my walls strong and thick. 
So that one day 
One day I can roam the gardens
Allow myself to bloom
And dance in the ballroom. 

When somebody bursts through the walls
I run down the halls
I invite them in
And I show them around
My garden
I give them pardon
If they step on a flower
Again and again
Until there's nothing left. 

I build a castle around myself 
I take out my heart and leave it on a shelf
I pick myself up 
Put on my makeup
I rebuild my wall
This time it's tall. 

I roam the winding halls
I skip over cracks in the floor
Until I soar
My feet no longer touch the ground
My heart no longer bound 
I shut the door. 

Until once again my eyes are sore
Feb 21

The Mermaid


The ocean fills the lungs, the ears, the eyes.
One with the water, the salt, the sea.
Iris the color of the marine depths
Unexplored
Mysterious.
Tail like seaweed
Smooth
Graceful
With a shade of jade.
Skin the color of pearls
Silken white
Tarnished with salt.
Neck ornamented
With shells.
Hair like the sea itself
Briny and blue
A beautiful hue
Of lime and buttery yellow.
A heart like the waves
Choppy or calm
Rarely in between
Warm
Earnest
Cold
Stony.
A Mermaid.
 

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