Jul 11
Monster_T_02's picture

My Soul Is Returning

I know I may not be the best,
Nor is my mind the greatest,
But I do know my heart still beats,
With the  purest of intent.

My mind may still weep,
My soul may still cry,
But I will not allow myself,
To lay down,
And die.

My hope is slowly returning,
My garden I will replant,
Self love I am still learning,
And strengthening like an ant.

My path is very shaky,
And monsters still jump out,
But seven years is all I need,
to clean my skeltons out.

Seven year in cells,
I will be a new being,
And my body will be cleansed,
From all their wrongdoings.

Your body is renewed,
After seven years,
Every cell is replaced;
The thought brings me to tears.

One day they will not touch me,
My body will not be their's,
I will be a new person,
Without all these trivial fears.

My mind my still be shifts,
May 09
Monster_T_02's picture

Avoidance


I learned avoidance,
and wrote it off as "putting it on a shelf" 
Because it's a mindfulness skill to put it on the shelf for a minute.
But I never took those problems off the shelf.
I would pretend to my parents.
That my stumbling in my room 
was just an accident.
Pretend that my stumbling mind,
was just a side effect of too much school.
I began a pattern of avoidance so my parents would forget a time
anything was different.
Anytime I actually enjoyed their company.
I would pretend I didn't want anything to do with my little brother.
So that they would never ask me to babysit him,
Because I didn't feel good enough to be around him.
He was pure,
And every time I saw him,
I felt my walls coming down.
He brought out ever pitfall,
and so I allowed them to have him.
I disappeared behind the back drop and pretended I liked being there.
Because I knew,
May 06
Monster_T_02's picture

Pain.

When you broke me,
You left everything.
The broken pieces of my heart.
Wait millenniums for you to see.
But I am still apart.
I am still broken,
and Bruises,
and lonely.
I am SO lonely.
And that loneliness eats away inside.
It tears apart my mind.
Broken.
I can't sleep anymore.
With drug store prescriptions.
I can't dream anymore.
 What is a life worth living.
When the people who are suppose to still be here 
Aren't.
I'm not better.
I know you said I would be by now,
But I'm not.
I don't know how.
I study to hide the pain.
I study to hide from myself.
I study to hide the  hole you left.
I can tell you one thing.
It doesn't work.
Studying,
Doesn't.
Work.
Statistics and loneliness.
They're alll I have left.
I got so bad after you left.
I didn't know who I was.
I still don't.
 
Mar 02
Monster_T_02's picture

Wait


I'm stressed, hopelessly so,
Pain tolerance high,
Blood circulation low,
Trying to hide
But I can't try to be the thing inside,
My heart so heavy, 
I aint ever see a wedding,
Day in sight, my 
(in progress)
Feb 28
Monster_T_02's picture

You

I remember the day I met you,
sunlight beaming on your face.
You told me you would love, Then how much I was a disgrace

I remember the day your friend called,
I heard you on the phone,
As he told me how you missed me,
Next moment you were gone.

Everyone said it was an accident,
But I know that's a lie,
Because I was there when it happened,
When I couldn't save you,
You died.

I remember the hospital,
Everything so pristine and white,
But it couldn't hide the red marks,
And the dreams that haunt me at night.

I remember the confusion
Why you would do that to yourself,
It was a manipulative move,
I wish I had known how to help.

Everyone says no one will kill themselves,
When they threaten their own,
In a way it's manipulation,
How I wish they had been wrong.


I can never forgive myself,
But I couldn't take you back,
Dec 04
Monster_T_02's picture

My Sister


So if you want me to ridicule,
And call my sister abusive.
I will only blatantly respond,
That she,
She is new to this.
Although our connection may not be as I wish,
My life is not for your whispered two cents
( in progress ).
 
Dec 01
Monster_T_02's picture

It’s All Their Fault


I know,
My history may upset those around me.
But my voice can give no apology.
I know,
when given the choice between red or blue,
Sometimes the choice is not up to you.
And I won’t just sit here and spout,
About feminism, 
Femininity, 
Or Self Doubt.
But in the night those monsters get me.
Attack in and out of sight
Wracking for a coping mechanism to pull me through the storm.
thoughts that,
Worm their way into my head.
As sweet nothings left unsaid.
I know,
Men get raped too,
Men hurt too,
Men heal too,
Men are thrown into social structure and concepts,
Too,
But this is not about,
You.
This,
This is about,
Me.
About the twirling tendrils of my mind,
Giving no leeway or door to hide behind.
About boys making a B-line,
For what lies on my backside.
Little laugh and snide remarks,
I hide away from in the dark.
Nov 19
Monster_T_02's picture

I Hate You

I hate that you told me you cared,

I hate myself for believing you.

I hate then when I reach out you’re not there,

I hate that I still have those thoughts.

I hate that you never told me,
You wrote it on her skin.
That you would never love me. 
And broke me so you could win.
Love is just a game.
 I’d rather not play,
Cause to lose means to not breath.
And I rather like seeing another day.
I feel ashamed for my feelings,
I know you never cared.
It was shown when you let them mutliate me.
And when you began pulling my hair.

I hate I can’t make these feelings go away.
And sometimes I want to run into your arms.

I hate that the last time we spoke.
You tried to convince me that you did no harm.
Why would I have gone to the hospital?
If you had had everything under control

I hate that I fear you,
I know I could win if I tried.
Nov 15
Monster_T_02's picture

Medication Cocktail

My hands are cold.
I cannot imagine the last time they weren’t, 
And he comes everyday.
Your hands are cold again, 
He would say.
He would stay as I lay on my bed,
Contemplating my future,
He would stay through every tear.
The abuse they put me through,
Making it impossible to say I Love You.
So I just lay there,
And I say I Can’t instead.
I tell him he needs to stop laying in my bed every time I pass out.
He needs to go out and be who he was meant to be.
Becuase loving someone is wanting the best for them.
And I know he needs to stop tucking me into bed
When I pass out from my meds again.
I know my only hope is at the bottle of prescribed pills.
One pill to away my terror,
another to knock me out.
A third to take away my hopelessness.
You would think with all those pills I would be okay.
But I know my life will forever be grasping the pill bottle.
Until I die.
Oct 26
Monster_T_02's picture

The Damned

I do not see you.
I refuse to acknowledge your existence.
the way your hands gripped my sides, suffocating me.

I do not feel you. 
I do not hope for a day when you will return.
I hope you will never see me again.

I do not hear you.
I do not remember the last words you said.
Before you changed the course if my entire life.

I do not carry you smell.
In the jacket that was burned in a pile behind my house,
Or in the way the air seems to carry memories to me.

I do not taste you,
the way kisses used to make me feel safe,
the way they used to bring me joy, now only cold envy.

I do not know who you are, 
I no longer pretend to care.
I will not acknowledge your existence,
The way you opened my life up to ridicule.
I do not pretend You ever cared.
I do not think about the way your eyes,
Pleaded with me to understand.

I forget the touch of your hand,
I forget the way the sun looked when it rose.
I forget what happiness feels like.
I forget what it feels like to be myself.
I forget I actually liked things.
I forget what it is I’m suppose to like.

I forgot you because I have to.
I forgot the look of your face,
I forgot the feel of your hands,
I forgot the cologne that I loved once,
I forgot calling you ‘my boys’,
I forgot who I am.
Because in order to survive,
I had to become someone new.

I forgot the face you gave me that night.
The night you ripped my choice away from me.
The day you sacrificed me to the wolves.
You didn’t want me anymore,
You let me die,
The awful thing is, I’m still breathing.
I’m still caught fighting for my life everyday.
I’m still screaming out for someone to save me
Every,
Single,
Day.

I’m screaming out for you to save me.
You stopped caring,
And instead of letting me go,
You destroyed me.
You let them infect me with a poison,
A poison that will forever be in my bloodstream,
Yet pleading with me to understand,
Until the moment I saw your face change,
when you went from protector to hunter.
The malice of your voice,
And I knew I was a lamb looking into the eyes of a wolf,
Wishing it would be over already.


You,
The person who was suppose to love me more than anything else,
 And keep me safe, be committed to me,
Me only.
You let the wolves go.
The wolves that I had kept at bay so long.
With one simple sentence,
Because you gave up on me.
You gave up on us, without telling me.
You became a wolf, when I thought you were my Shepard.
One sentence, 
‘I don’t care what you do to her’

Not forgetting is driving me insane,
Watching your humanity leave your eyes,
will terrorize my every waking moment.
And kill me a million times as I sleep.
Monsters with your eye color will forever destroy me.
I don’t know if my heart will ever open up again.
I cannot foresee my trust ever growing,
Or my love ever flowing again.
My savior became the one who damned me,
Such and awful turn of irony.

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