Nov 29
Monster_T_02's picture

I Wanted to Believe

I wanted to believe in the happy endings,

 but as life progressed, so did the sadness. 

The more time you live, the more cruelty you see.

 In this world of make believe, I wish you were with me. 

But monsters hide under covers,

 this personal hell for one. 

I wish I could save you, but baby I’m drowning myself.

 I hoped to see you smile, in a hell of my design.

 Please don’t mind the paint, it’s chipping from the skeletons. 

They filled up the closet,

So many bodies I’ve lost count.

They tear at my soul,

 And remind me every moment I should go.

The curtains are sun damaged, and rain sometimes  leaks,

but if you wanted it, I would fix it all for you. 

I’m just not what you seek.

I wish I could tell you the pain inside,

But the demons keep my secrets guarded, 
Nov 29
Monster_T_02's picture

Let Me Go

You pretended like you were my dream, 
But now I see you're a nightmare,
Pulling me apart by the seams,
Reality, a torment I can hardly bare.

How do you tell me how to live,
Dictate my every move,
Time for you to leave here,
I have become your doom.

How dare you tell me you care,
When you ripped my heart 
I have no more feelings to spare,
One day you'll see that too. 

You pretend like you were my dream,
But no i see you're a nightmare. 
Pulling me apart at the seams,
Reality I can hardly bare.

I turn around, begging you aren't there,
My life revolving around my fear
Creeping into my life,
No matter how hard I push you out.

You make my life a nightmare,
Your word leave me to scream and shout. 
I want you gone,
By the time my time is done.

I wish you would live a day through my eyes,
Nov 12
Monster_T_02's picture

Us In The End


This is an ode to the madness,
To the crying, fighting, and screaming silence.
An ode to the way you make my heart leap in my throat,
And draw me out of the cold.
 
This is a ode to the fire,
The wanting, and burning desire,
The way your hands feel on a cold night,
And the furnace inside of your soul.

This is an ode to the pain,
An ode to the frustrations, and day where we go insane
The way I feel wrapped in your arms,
And sleep without harm 

We are crazy,
And even crazier we stay,
When we fight, and make up,
I shut you out, and fake tough.
You come running when I've had enough,
And I don't feel like I can take it.

We are crazy, 
But you're even crazier for staying,
When you shut me down,
And push me out,
When our voices get too loud,
And we quiet down. 

This is an ode to our limits,
To our conversations, communications,
Sep 25
Monster_T_02's picture

Save Me


Your hands grab what they can't reach,
Halting my words, trappin my tongue,
Biting back the vomit sweet sentences,
Spewed forth, wanted from no one.

Sickly sweet nothings,
words of lovers lost in time,
Words that I never wanted from you,
A creep, painted up the nine

God save me,
I'm relishing in your sun,
But I'm pulled back,
Into my personal Hell for one.
God help me,
His hands are wet,
Digging in my side 
Swearing I'm his pet.

I try to run from you as fast as I can go,
But you pull across my chest hooking my body in Limbo,
This Heaven isn't fun it's turned into a torture,
I was caught in your light, realizing it was a blaze

God save me,
I'm relishing in your sun,
But I'm pulled back,
Into my personal Hell for one.
God help me,
His hands are wet,
Digging in my side 
Swearing I'm his pet.

God. Save. Me
Jul 11
Monster_T_02's picture

My Soul Is Returning

I know I may not be the best,
Nor is my mind the greatest,
But I do know my heart still beats,
With the  purest of intent.

My mind may still weep,
My soul may still cry,
But I will not allow myself,
To lay down,
And die.

My hope is slowly returning,
My garden I will replant,
Self love I am still learning,
And strengthening like an ant.

My path is very shaky,
And monsters still jump out,
But seven years is all I need,
to clean my skeltons out.

Seven year in cells,
I will be a new being,
And my body will be cleansed,
From all their wrongdoings.

Your body is renewed,
After seven years,
Every cell is replaced;
The thought brings me to tears.

One day they will not touch me,
My body will not be their's,
I will be a new person,
Without all these trivial fears.

My mind my still be shifts,
May 09
Monster_T_02's picture

Avoidance


I learned avoidance,
and wrote it off as "putting it on a shelf" 
Because it's a mindfulness skill to put it on the shelf for a minute.
But I never took those problems off the shelf.
I would pretend to my parents.
That my stumbling in my room 
was just an accident.
Pretend that my stumbling mind,
was just a side effect of too much school.
I began a pattern of avoidance so my parents would forget a time
anything was different.
Anytime I actually enjoyed their company.
I would pretend I didn't want anything to do with my little brother.
So that they would never ask me to babysit him,
Because I didn't feel good enough to be around him.
He was pure,
And every time I saw him,
I felt my walls coming down.
He brought out ever pitfall,
and so I allowed them to have him.
I disappeared behind the back drop and pretended I liked being there.
Because I knew,
May 06
Monster_T_02's picture

Pain.

When you broke me,
You left everything.
The broken pieces of my heart.
Wait millenniums for you to see.
But I am still apart.
I am still broken,
and Bruises,
and lonely.
I am SO lonely.
And that loneliness eats away inside.
It tears apart my mind.
Broken.
I can't sleep anymore.
With drug store prescriptions.
I can't dream anymore.
 What is a life worth living.
When the people who are suppose to still be here 
Aren't.
I'm not better.
I know you said I would be by now,
But I'm not.
I don't know how.
I study to hide the pain.
I study to hide from myself.
I study to hide the  hole you left.
I can tell you one thing.
It doesn't work.
Studying,
Doesn't.
Work.
Statistics and loneliness.
They're alll I have left.
I got so bad after you left.
I didn't know who I was.
I still don't.
 
Mar 02
Monster_T_02's picture

Wait


I'm stressed, hopelessly so,
Pain tolerance high,
Blood circulation low,
Trying to hide
But I can't try to be the thing inside,
My heart so heavy, 
I aint ever see a wedding,
Day in sight, my 
(in progress)
Feb 28
Monster_T_02's picture

You

I remember the day I met you,
sunlight beaming on your face.
You told me you would love, Then how much I was a disgrace

I remember the day your friend called,
I heard you on the phone,
As he told me how you missed me,
Next moment you were gone.

Everyone said it was an accident,
But I know that's a lie,
Because I was there when it happened,
When I couldn't save you,
You died.

I remember the hospital,
Everything so pristine and white,
But it couldn't hide the red marks,
And the dreams that haunt me at night.

I remember the confusion
Why you would do that to yourself,
It was a manipulative move,
I wish I had known how to help.

Everyone says no one will kill themselves,
When they threaten their own,
In a way it's manipulation,
How I wish they had been wrong.


I can never forgive myself,
But I couldn't take you back,
Dec 04
Monster_T_02's picture

My Sister


So if you want me to ridicule,
And call my sister abusive.
I will only blatantly respond,
That she,
She is new to this.
Although our connection may not be as I wish,
My life is not for your whispered two cents
( in progress ).
 

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