Dec 01
Monster_T_02's picture

It’s All Their Fault

I know,
My history may upset those around me.
But my voice can give no apology.
I know,
when given the choice between red or blue,
Sometimes the choice is not up to you.
And I won’t just sit here and spout,
About feminism, 
Or Self Doubt.
But in the night those monsters get me.
Attack in and out of sight
Wracking for a coping mechanism to pull me through the storm.
thoughts that,
Worm their way into my head.
As sweet nothings left unsaid.
I know,
Men get raped too,
Men hurt too,
Men heal too,
Men are thrown into social structure and concepts,
But this is not about,
This is about,
About the twirling tendrils of my mind,
Giving no leeway or door to hide behind.
About boys making a B-line,
For what lies on my backside.
Little laugh and snide remarks,
I hide away from in the dark.
Nov 19
Monster_T_02's picture

I Hate You

I hate that you told me you cared,

I hate myself for believing you.

I hate then when I reach out you’re not there,

I hate that I still have those thoughts.

I hate that you never told me,
You wrote it on her skin.
That you would never love me. 
And broke me so you could win.
Love is just a game.
 I’d rather not play,
Cause to lose means to not breath.
And I rather like seeing another day.
I feel ashamed for my feelings,
I know you never cared.
It was shown when you let them mutliate me.
And when you began pulling my hair.

I hate I can’t make these feelings go away.
And sometimes I want to run into your arms.

I hate that the last time we spoke.
You tried to convince me that you did no harm.
Why would I have gone to the hospital?
If you had had everything under control

I hate that I fear you,
I know I could win if I tried.
Nov 15
Monster_T_02's picture

Medication Cocktail

My hands are cold.
I cannot imagine the last time they weren’t, 
And he comes everyday.
Your hands are cold again, 
He would say.
He would stay as I lay on my bed,
Contemplating my future,
He would stay through every tear.
The abuse they put me through,
Making it impossible to say I Love You.
So I just lay there,
And I say I Can’t instead.
I tell him he needs to stop laying in my bed every time I pass out.
He needs to go out and be who he was meant to be.
Becuase loving someone is wanting the best for them.
And I know he needs to stop tucking me into bed
When I pass out from my meds again.
I know my only hope is at the bottle of prescribed pills.
One pill to away my terror,
another to knock me out.
A third to take away my hopelessness.
You would think with all those pills I would be okay.
But I know my life will forever be grasping the pill bottle.
Until I die.
Oct 26
Monster_T_02's picture

The Damned

I do not see you.
I refuse to acknowledge your existence.
the way your hands gripped my sides, suffocating me.

I do not feel you. 
I do not hope for a day when you will return.
I hope you will never see me again.

I do not hear you.
I do not remember the last words you said.
Before you changed the course if my entire life.

I do not carry you smell.
In the jacket that was burned in a pile behind my house,
Or in the way the air seems to carry memories to me.

I do not taste you,
the way kisses used to make me feel safe,
the way they used to bring me joy, now only cold envy.

I do not know who you are, 
I no longer pretend to care.
I will not acknowledge your existence,
The way you opened my life up to ridicule.
I do not pretend You ever cared.
I do not think about the way your eyes,
Pleaded with me to understand.

I forget the touch of your hand,
I forget the way the sun looked when it rose.
I forget what happiness feels like.
I forget what it feels like to be myself.
I forget I actually liked things.
I forget what it is I’m suppose to like.

I forgot you because I have to.
I forgot the look of your face,
I forgot the feel of your hands,
I forgot the cologne that I loved once,
I forgot calling you ‘my boys’,
I forgot who I am.
Because in order to survive,
I had to become someone new.

I forgot the face you gave me that night.
The night you ripped my choice away from me.
The day you sacrificed me to the wolves.
You didn’t want me anymore,
You let me die,
The awful thing is, I’m still breathing.
I’m still caught fighting for my life everyday.
I’m still screaming out for someone to save me

I’m screaming out for you to save me.
You stopped caring,
And instead of letting me go,
You destroyed me.
You let them infect me with a poison,
A poison that will forever be in my bloodstream,
Yet pleading with me to understand,
Until the moment I saw your face change,
when you went from protector to hunter.
The malice of your voice,
And I knew I was a lamb looking into the eyes of a wolf,
Wishing it would be over already.

The person who was suppose to love me more than anything else,
 And keep me safe, be committed to me,
Me only.
You let the wolves go.
The wolves that I had kept at bay so long.
With one simple sentence,
Because you gave up on me.
You gave up on us, without telling me.
You became a wolf, when I thought you were my Shepard.
One sentence, 
‘I don’t care what you do to her’

Not forgetting is driving me insane,
Watching your humanity leave your eyes,
will terrorize my every waking moment.
And kill me a million times as I sleep.
Monsters with your eye color will forever destroy me.
I don’t know if my heart will ever open up again.
I cannot foresee my trust ever growing,
Or my love ever flowing again.
My savior became the one who damned me,
Such and awful turn of irony.
Oct 23
Monster_T_02's picture

Everything Left Unsaid

I wanted to tell him I forgave him.
I wanted to scream at him that he ruined me.
I wanted to sit in silence and never move, never speak,
As I heard my voice, sobs so loud I heard them on the monitor,
The monitor that was shielded by a voice absorbent room,
And two closed doors.
My cracking voice as I recounted what they did.
How they tore me apart inside and out.
That my throat felt like it was being torn apart from screaming.
And from what they did when I tried to fight back.
Terrified how they would kill me if I spoke out.
bruises across my arms,
So I hid. 
I hid what they did to me,
I hid from myself.
I was terrified what they would say about me if I spoke up.
I was terrified of upsetting my parents.
Scared they wouldn’t want someone as ruined as me.
Scared they would say they had enough.
Apr 12
Monster_T_02's picture


Somedays, I relate to the zombies in my stories.
The anger, the feeling of wanting to explode.
The zombies in my stories have thoughts,
But they hate people in their personal space.
They act as if they are not in control of their actions.
Somedays, I relate to the zombies in my stories.
Brooding, unwanting to share.
The inability to get close to others without snapping.
Cranky, protective of things I can't see.
Loud noises setting me into a frenzy,
Somedays, I relate to the zombies in my stories.
Sad, unable to control what I'm feeling.
Vulnerability makes me hostile.
I'd rather die than let someone touch me.
Somedays, I relate to the zombies in my stories.
Not wanting to hurt others.
Confused, lost, and tormented.
Scar tissue underneath the surface, 
Leaving places along my back sore.
Years after the assault.
As if there was a bite that wouldn't heal.
Jan 14
Monster_T_02's picture

Dear Forgiveness

I'm supposed to write about forgiving you.
How do you forgive someone who tore you apart?
Years of telling everyone "I'm Fine,"
I'm not fine,
And you know it.
You caused it.
You tore me apart.
I can't sleep without nightmare of your hands on me,
Your words in my head.
The day you stole my sanity.
The day you stole the little self-esteem I had built up.
The day you left me with nothing.
I trusted you.
And you threw that trust out the window.
I take pills to get away from you,
Prescribed by my doctor to undo the damage, 
It's  pitiful.
Migraines from thinking too much,
Smashing against my skull.
I walk down the hallway and you're there smiling,
Knowing you ruined someone's life.
While I spent months in my room crying.
You're the reason  I don't believe in people.
I spent weeks in a hospital almost dying,
After what you did to me.
Lost at sea,
Nov 13
Monster_T_02's picture


Dear, Homewrecker.
Dear, lover of fights,
She who cuddles up in anguise.
Dear, Lady of the night.
Dear, Lady who fits just so right.
Dear, Lady get out of my bed.
Dear, Lady get out of his head.
I'm not the jealous type.
I don't fill myself with spite.
But I do fill myself with his name.
I do pray that he doesn't play games.
The one who's skin he touches before coming home.
The same hands that find my hair to comb.
The thought of tasting you on his lips,
You are the bullet I thought I threw out.
You are the fake innocence he spouts.
You, who wants nothing more than to play with him.
While I bring him to meet my kin.
You whisper sweet nothings.
I will never match up to.
His lust for you that grew.
His mind you placed thoughst to stew.
Your schemes you brew.
While it was just you two.
I could call you names.
Name the game, 
Oct 12
Monster_T_02's picture


I'm not angry,
I'm hurt.
I say those words on the daily.
Maybe I should be angry.
Because I've hurt so much.
For reasons that are such.
Why must I lose who I am.
For you to tear me down, BAM!
I don't know if i can,
Be hurt anymore,
I'm no longer hurt.
Before I start getting angry.
Before I start screaming,
I can't go on like this,
I'm tired of being pissed,
I can't handle your words,
Maybe I should add a couple of my own.
Were you never shown?
How you treat others.
I didn't have you around for six god awful years?
Why do You think I need you now?
Need you how?
Need YOU?
Love you?
Do you love me?
If so, I don't see.
There is no we,
There was never a we,
There will never be,
How long will it take you to see?
Looks like someone have foot in the mouth disease.
Oct 12
Monster_T_02's picture


I'm not afraid of needles.
I'm afraid of something injected into me.
I'm afraid of the pain.
Pain triggers emotions best left under the rug.
I'm afraid of being afraid, more than I fear the actual fear.
That may seem confusing but to me it makes perfect sense.
I'm afraid of of the pain of needles.
But I don't fear the needle.
I fear what the needle represents.
What the needle leads to.
I used to not mind needles.
But when you are in recovery from blood running down your body on the daily.
Seeing anymore than you have to triggers you.
I'm afraid of needles.
But not the needle itself.
I'm afraid of not being in control.
I'm afraid of others inflicting pain on me.
I'm afraid of a doctor messing up.
I'm afraid of a foreign body traveling through me.
I'm afraid of my sister hitting my arm when I walk out of the office.
I'm afraid of being weak.