Jan 08

Unspoken.

She stares at him.
The moon hides his face.
He’s thinking
or maybe not thinking at all.
The crickets make her anxious
as they seemingly get louder,
she pulls her driven eyes away.
He notices her sudden change.
They both sit back deeper
into the car seats.
She wants to touch him.
Reach out and feel his face
but she knows that would be weird.
So instead she sits
too occupied by her own desires
to notice him looking at her.
And with no words he reaches out
grabs her cheek and pulls her in.
They breathe each other in then out.
He doesn’t kiss her.
They just sit face to face in silence.

 
Jan 07

Detour.

I fall in love simply.
It takes few words
and even fewer actions
to make me convinced.
The phrase is butter in my palms
I’ve said I love you
to more than one
and I’ve meant it everytime.
In that moment of my life
I loved them without question.
But love fades
or at least that kind of momentary love does
like the sun my passion rises and falls
however I believe in fate
and finding the one true love.
It’s easy to claim you love someone
it’s harder to mean it and remember it.
I find that when it’s hard to say it
I actually love them
the ones who make me deny real emotions
who push me to admit a stronger force
love that leaves you empty
while also full
is the type of love worth finding.
The momentary loves simply are just the prologue.

 
Oct 12

Hollow


I am a pumpkin
my insides have been harvested
and my eyes and expression
have been carved into straight sharp lines
by knives.
Every time it rains the sky like a light switch 
flicks off
and my carved lips
start to rot away
pushed on by the darkness.
I am hollow 
a hole waiting to be filled with something
or by someone.
A pumpkin waiting for winter to come
and take me away. 
 
Jul 12

Needle Point

Jul 12

How to be empty

The branches project a shadow 
onto my paper thin skin.

I can see the sun sipping the clouds
sweet water as they float by.

Everything is soft around me
and even my eyes are quiet
against the wind.

Birds fly ahead
whispering secrets
this is what peacefulness 
feels like.

The sensation of being fully 
willingly 
taken.
 
May 18

getting used to it

They used to walk in unison
their words like flowers
flowing freely at their feet
but not anymore.

They used to love in long lines
their bodies jigsaw pieces
pushing together
but not anymore.

They used to be playful
throwing stones down by the creek 
their hands loosely engaged in a game
of tag
they used to
but not anymore.

Now they find ways to forget
their bones aching
like rusty car parts.

Now they avoid the avalanche
of feelings by pretending to be busy.

Now they are two stop signs
meeting at an intersection 
staring without blinking
sending mindless thoughts to and fro.

Now they are just being
without knowing
two lovers
lost in time.
 
May 18

your choice

that was enough for me to forgive you.

to forget the way you threw ignorance
at my back 
as if trying to break a wall.

the small digs that you portrayed as clever
openly weaving them in and out 
of my skin like a seamstress.

it was enough for me to remember
that my hate was rooted in love
and that your eyes made me want to be okay
made me want to close my questions with 
periods.

you were enough to make me forgive it all
but sitting here
in the darkness of our bed
i realize
you dont want to be forgiven. 
 
Apr 28

the upgrade

My mind aches for you.
in this moment 
at this time
it throbs with words
that i wont hear
and laughs i wont have
like sunblock you leave my skin oily
even when you are gone
and i scrub away the pain
of knowing you 
and most days i ask god
to erase you from my life
forever
and soon he will
but for now i will ache
for your presence
and in my temporary failure to forget
i will find your replacement.
Apr 28

trust issues


i want to say it sucks. 
that i think about dying
every time i go out to eat/
that panic fills me to the point
that i no longer want food.
say to them that sometimes
i dont eat at all unless its labeled
because im scared.
but people dont get it
they think not being able to eat peanut butter
sucks
no.
its the constant fear that sucks.
i know every brownie, cookie, piece of bread even
has the potential to kill me
and thats why i only eat when i know 
a hospital is near by
never on planes
never boats
never out in the middle of nowhere.
ill never get to be spontaneously kissed in the rain
or be able to be care free at buffets
im terrified of what my body is capable of doing
to itself.
no one understands how i feel 
they all tell me i need to trust more.
but how?
i want to say it sucks.
but instead i say 
Apr 28

over the phone

"do you think its possible to just stop loving someone?" He asked me.

No. I answered.
I think we fall out of love with people
but our love for them never leaves our bodies.
The way they kissed you before bed
the gentle gestures to cheer you up
its that small stuff that never truly leaves us.

"ok. well then how do you tell the difference between love and being in love?" 

I paused.

The difference between loving someone and being in love with someone
is that love is able to exist even after damage is done. Its the sliver of care that
takes permanent refuge in your heart. Its what allows us to be able to care and still move on and be kind of okay.
But being in love with someone isnt as simple.
Being in love is when you sit up at 2 AM empty with only their face in your head
its the longing for the way they hugged, kissed, cared for you.
When youre in love youre crazy

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