Sep 16

12:36 am

It’s 12:36 am.

I’m sitting up again.
I can hear cars 
filled with lonely people
pass slowly outside my window. 
The light from the fire detector 
flashes every thirty seconds.
I like to sit and watch it
trying to time out each flash in my head.
Lately the future has been asking me out
seducing me with fantasies and
cheap poetry that falls face first 
without ever hitting my lips. 
Dreams thought up six years ago
suddenly are lined up begging
for me to choose which will go on.
Time has passed without warning
no count down before the bomb.
I was never promised days, weeks, or years
in a matter of a moment, life ceases to exist
leaving you with one final permanent memory
of someone and that’s it. 
Delicate ideas once shared between friends
now chase me at night
asking why I am living in regret.
What should I tell them.
May 01


The pressure in my head
keeps reminding me you’re dead.
The build up pushing my skull
my eyes bulging
from the ripping away of memories.
Everything is spinning on a dull carousel
I’m the broken seat belt
you’re the child who falls off
blood to tears
tears to scabs
if I could pick you off
one more time I would.
The noises are piling up
hitching rides on my thoughts
this is the pre-explosion
muscles are linguini now
falling onto themselves
I use my hands to hold up my neck.
The day you died my mind
played pinball with your body
today I feel that relentless bouncing again
my forehead is getting tighter
shakey hands reaching for relief
trephination motivated by desperation.
You’re dead in my head
I’m your coffin.
You’re my ghost.
This pressure keeps coming
haunting me till the day I join you by the grave.
Apr 29

Watered Down.

Pushing you away
is easier than breathing you in
I don’t risk choking on feelings
or letting you take any of my air
the harder I push
the farther you fall
like a game of connect four
eventually all the chips cascade
even the winners.
We both lose
whether I let you in or not
love is not simple
delicately put it’s doomed
people don’t find each other in passion
it’s rare
even when it happens
passion is a bubble
too unpredictable to count on
it could grow or pop instantly.
I want to believe that in some universe
loyalty, honesty, and chemistry
could all coincide
to construct one beautiful masterpiece
but I don't imagine I’ll ever convince myself of that.
By keeping you away
I get to love you in moments
rather than in permanence
hearts can’t be broken
feelings can’t be acknowledged deeply
you and I remain unharmed and happy enough
Apr 09

fall before you think

lately ive become impulsive
thats new for me.
ive never been the risk taker
the rule breaker the girl who could just do
without thinking
ive been straight, tight, focused, determined
gifted with an attitude that made it impossible
to disobey myself.
things arent so narrow anymore
a feeling has crept into my soul
a stalker of sorts
recognizing that i needed to get over myself
forcing me to let go of unrealistic ideas.
now i say yes to everything
i dont think about the consequence
i act based on my initial emotion
ive stopped apologizing
waved goodbye to situations not worth my time
i have become a new person
it could be this city
or these new people
though i think i know deep down that all is useless.
the real reason for my new love of impulse
is my readiness to grow up into this new me
i finally feel ready to face a world
Mar 20

a day like today

There isn't much for me to say today.
Things here are mostly quiet,
which is abnormal but a welcome change.
I've been thinking a lot about memories,
the little moments that used to make me laugh so hard I'd cry.
Every time I go into my past to look at things that used to be there
an unsettling reality always riddles me,
times where I felt happy or excited
exist only in fragments, not all together,
the trips and the friends and the choices that used to make me
have forgotten who I am.
As if this world is only made up of time slots
moving in and out of experiences too fast
to even hold on longer than that singular brief blink of time.
We lose track of everyone and everything from our past  
only to be reminded on days like today
that the deep laughs and long nights shared will never be ours again,
not in the same way.
The memories push themselves away
Feb 21


There is no time left.
We've used up all our moments
given up all our motivations.
The walls of what-ifs 
are closing in 
our bodies are trapped.
There is no escape route.
All these words
we let go of
are supposed to mean something
to someone.
They end up meaning nothing.
Emotions that fall short
intentions that are never true.
I convinced myself
I wanted you.
There is nothing left here
just old tags from feelings
I never felt.
I am starting to wonder
if it's time for me
to let you go.

Feb 19


I've lost track of who you were
somewhere along the way
I was able to forget your existence.
That makes me happy
most days.
Earth is spinning faster
my sky moves south of yours
even the air is thicker
where I am.
It's interesting how strangers 
can feel more real than memories.
I walk through full streets 
and empty conversations 
but I never stop to question
if I lost you.
Some things don't require an answer.
The noise around me helps drown out
the noise within me
and lately, it is the chaos that keeps me alive.
You would hate it here.
I like that.
Nights still make me care for you
but I've learned that I can't miss someone
I don't even know. 
Jan 08


She stares at him.
The moon hides his face.
He’s thinking
or maybe not thinking at all.
The crickets make her anxious
as they seemingly get louder,
she pulls her driven eyes away.
He notices her sudden change.
They both sit back deeper
into the car seats.
She wants to touch him.
Reach out and feel his face
but she knows that would be weird.
So instead she sits
too occupied by her own desires
to notice him looking at her.
And with no words he reaches out
grabs her cheek and pulls her in.
They breathe each other in then out.
He doesn’t kiss her.
They just sit face to face in silence.

Jan 07


I fall in love simply.
It takes few words
and even fewer actions
to make me convinced.
The phrase is butter in my palms
I’ve said I love you
to more than one
and I’ve meant it everytime.
In that moment of my life
I loved them without question.
But love fades
or at least that kind of momentary love does
like the sun my passion rises and falls
however I believe in fate
and finding the one true love.
It’s easy to claim you love someone
it’s harder to mean it and remember it.
I find that when it’s hard to say it
I actually love them
the ones who make me deny real emotions
who push me to admit a stronger force
love that leaves you empty
while also full
is the type of love worth finding.
The momentary loves simply are just the prologue.

Oct 12


I am a pumpkin
my insides have been harvested
and my eyes and expression
have been carved into straight sharp lines
by knives.
Every time it rains the sky like a light switch 
flicks off
and my carved lips
start to rot away
pushed on by the darkness.
I am hollow 
a hole waiting to be filled with something
or by someone.
A pumpkin waiting for winter to come
and take me away.