Jan 31
amberb's picture

School


School
Filled with people
Those who dont want to be there
And those who do
Those who use it as there only escape from the world that they go home too
And those that could care less where they were
School
Awakened
By the buzz of children murming secrets through out the halls
And by chalk running against the chalk board
Awakened by the tear running down a girls face that sits in a bathroom stall
After being told that she was worthless
School
Brightened
With the array of colors desplayed on the pictures drawn by Ms.Holly's kindergarden class
With the smile of a girl as her crush lay eyes upon her
And with the laughter of a teacher as her coworker tells a joke
Us
Changed by our friends that we only met by going to math
Enlightened by the new fact that now swirls around our brains
Interested by the molecules we were "forced" to look at under the microscope
Jan 31
amberb's picture

Six year old self

If I could talk to my six year old self I don't know what I would tell her.
Would I tell her about my sister leaving to go live with her father?
Would I tell her that her own father would leave her?
Would I tell her that she would get depression and anxiety?
Would I tell her about being harassed and bullied?
Would I tell her about one of her dogs dyeing while she was at school?
Would I tell her all the bad things that would happen to her?
Or would I tell her all the good things to come in her future?
Would I tell her about her best friend that she would end up falling for?
Would I tell her about her getting all A's?
Would I tell her about the two little girls that look up to her and hug her every morning?
Would I tell her about her future success in helping people through their problems?
Would I tell her about the inside jokes and secret hand gestures she would later make up?
Jan 19
amberb's picture

Motionless Drowning

I'm feeling like I'm drowning
But there is nothing to hold me under the water
I float back up to the surface
Flailing my arms to try to keep me under
Because under the water
Every outside noise is muffled
And my problems seem to glide away like ripples in a lake
My mind is free to wander like fish in the coral coves
My body lays motionless at the murky bottom
Feeling the cold seep through my skin
Trying to fight its way to my heart
The air from my lungs escapes slowly
Through little air bubbles
Floating up to the surface
Eventually I have to go up for air
But for now
I’ll lay here
Letting the life slip away from me
A little at a time...

 
Jan 12
amberb's picture

When did I get this way?

When did I get to be this way?
When did I start to hate my life so much that I wish it would just end?
When did I start to think that the blade that cuts so deep into my skin is my only friend?
Maybe it was when I started to realize the truth about them,
About my life,
About me.
Maybe it was when even the thing that used to make me the happiest, made me feel nothing at all…
Watching the blood drip off from my leg and onto the bathroom floor,
Feeling the pain but it was better to have control of one f**king thing than nothing at all.
Every destructive comment,
Every dangerous action,
And every word uttered,
All shown in past scratches.
I don’t usually leave scars though….
No one will ever notice, right?
Not if there isn’t anything to notice…
She runs her fingers along the fresh marks and there is a look of hurt in her eyes…
I’m causing that pain…
I guess I should have seen this coming though…
Jan 04
amberb's picture

Writing

Why can't I write
I try to organize my words like others do
But I just fail
My grammer is never correct
And I have the hardest time writing about something meaningful
I try to write down my feelings
All that comes out is scarmbled words
Filled with sorrow
That can't be how I really feel...can it?

 
 
Jan 04
amberb's picture

Just how do I start?

Just how do I start?
Do I start with the fact that I feel like crying
Flying
Running away from this in fear that it's all my fault
In fear that i'm the reason that her feelings suddenly disappeared
Just a few days ago she told me that she needed him
That she liked him
That she loves him
And now?
There is an extra letter added
It went from love to loved
Was that because of me?
Maybe I should start by telling her how much I have a fear of losing her
Maybe I should tell her that she was the reason I am still here
I never told her about that though
If I did would she have a fear of hurting me?
Would she refrain from saying things to me in fear that I might try it again?
By telling her she saved me would I be hurting her?
I could start by telling her that she is the reason that I am able to deal with so many of my problems
Jan 03
amberb's picture

My sweet escape

My sweet escape
When I close my eyes and just let the world slip away
As I drift into an unconcious state
Letting the pillow that my head lie upon
Be the cloud that carries me away from here
Away from the hurtful words and all the sorrow filled memories
I let the blankets that coat my body
Be the sheild that keeps me safe from my storm filled dreams
Until they carry me to her
Watching as her she pushes that dirty blond hair from her face
Shes so beautiful
She looks up at me and smiles
The room seems to get brighter
She motions me to come closer to her
I listen
She hugs me and then dissapears right out of sight
I smile because I know she hasnt left me
She never does
No matter how much I try to push her away
She stays
My eyes open to the sunlight pouring throught the cracks where my curtains end
Time to face today
My mind wonders to my dreams as I get ready for the day
Jan 03
amberb's picture

The fear of being me

I’ve seen what happens when you open up
When you admit that you are different
She told everyone and she gets stabbed in the back with whispers
I’m different than her though
Maybe it’ll be different for me though
Maybe they’ll be happy I am me
But the fear of being me keeps me back
In the dark
My loneliness and my anger tagteam to make sure i'm scared
While my anxiety sits back
Relaxes and laughs at my pain
Joining in when they get bored
There is a padlock and key that ensure my secret stays locked away behind my lips
I get closer and closer to letting it out
And tonight I break free
Fighting the monsters of myself as I go
I don’t want to keep this to myself anymore
My mouth opens and the three words that have been locked away
Flow out like a waterfall over a cliff
I am bi.

 
Jan 29
amberb's picture

The Bud

Jan 14
amberb's picture

The Beauty within the Glare

Out there in that glossy plain. The arena. Survival is the reward for those who are fortunate and resolute whereas death is the punishment for those who are not. It’s my turn to enter the ring. My turn to test my chances. In the arena it’s just me and the beast. Ice! The name stings my soul like frost bite stings the skin. The wind whips my hair as it whirls around. It slashes my face with its howls. I step into the kill zone. Crack.  My opponent seems to move at the speed of light. Wherever I look they are there. I check my footing only to see my reflection distorted and blurred. How dare the monster mess with me. I look back up when the great white wolf howls and yelps. I stare into the glaring horizon and see the silhouette of the great white bear. The pure symbol of the cold, the arctic, and the ice. Ice! Under the eyes of the beast beauty flows. Clear as the sky and pure as the spirits up above.

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