Oct 06
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To know a god (updated ‘albatross around my neck’)

I imagine large expanses, hills rolling like wrinkles in a carpet. Trees cover the green tapestry, creating a scape of wolves and monsters. A rugged place, daring me to prove myself worthy. I hike out of my car, this metal box keeping me from the smell and feel of the woods from which we were all born. The mist curls its fingers around the tree trunks like they are a gear shift, and it wants to go faster. But for now I take my time, knowing speed will come when I need it. The colors are dim, but the deep earthy tones are rich in a refreshing way. The mountains call me with their mystery, their secrecy, their vastness. I am in awe at how quickly my heart has begun to ache for the amalgamation of my body and this quiet part of the world. The wild undertone of me yearns, begs, pleads desperately with my body to run with the pine trees and forget civilization. In juxtaposition is my mind, yet the air breathes a new courage into my lungs.
Apr 06
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H E R

[unedited. also theres a cuss word yikes] 


I told myself I didn't have the right words for how I felt, and that I shouldn't try to quantify what I feel.
But the Feelings are pushing at my finger tips trying to escape, and the tears are at my eyes.

We were on my bed. dim lights on above. and I turned to her and 

She has this look on her face.

and I know she was tired.
and I know we haven't been together for long.
and I know she was a little under the weather.
and I know I shouldn't fall this easy.

But she was just. looking at me.
wide eyes.
pupils dialated.
mouth parted.

looking at me like.
like she loved me.

like I was beautiful with my tired eyes and messy hair.
like who I was, was more than enough for her.
like she was happy to be with me.
like there was no where else to be.
like there wasn't anything else on her mind.
Mar 17
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gillian

I couldn't figure out what I wanted to write about 

Do I write about the night this all started? The close bodies and dim lights. The songs and food and dance and the way she stayed by my side all night. She didn't have to do that, but she did. She asked me to slow dance, and it was like if this was my last night on earth, it would be ok. The way I sang till my lungs gave out, and she was behind me while my hips are swaying. The way she asked me to dance during the slow song, casual like it was nothing. Like I wasn't dying being hand in hand with her. Like the way she pokes fun doesn't make me laugh, like the way she makes eye contact doesn't make me blush, like her hand on my hip doesn't make me want to kiss her.
Feb 01
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Albatross around my neck


I imagine large expanses, rolling hills like wrinkles in a carpet. Trees cover these hills, creating a place of large wolves and monsters wanting me to prove myself. And so, I hike. Out of the car, this metal creation keeping me from the smell and feel of the woods from which I was born. The mist curls its fingers around the tree trunks like they are a gear shift, and it wants to go faster. The colors are dim, but they couldn't be brighter. The mountains call me with their mystery, their secrecy, their vastness. I am in wonder at how quickly my heart has begun to yearn for the amalgamation of my body and this quiet part of the world. The wild part of me yearns, begs, and pleads desperately with my body to run with the pine trees and forget civilization. To be cold, and make a fire to feel the heat. To dance around the flames and sparks like a beat, loose and unbrittled in my dance. To need only basics and become one with the animal we all keep inside.
Dec 18
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call it like it is

we were watching a movie,
hand in hand
my head on her shoulder

sure, we're platonic
but we both want girlfriends
why not each other

god, I dont want to fuck this up though
loose a friend, for what?
a kiss and everything about her?

she isnt what i thought
i would be into
yet here i am

imagining our lips, moulding
so close i can almost feel her
the skin of her lips on mine

but she doesnt like me like that
and i dont know how i feel
so i guess we'll just cuddle and 

call it like it is

 
Nov 05
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A Girl

every now and then I crave a girl with short curly hair, eyes like the sun with a laugh that comes from deep inside her. she is tea on a warm autumn day, the smell of an old book, glasses dusty and warm sweaters. she holds my hand as we sit in maroon and ochre arm chairs, the feeling of a library echoing around us. she blushes when we kiss, and her skin is soft and plush under mine. she is the innocents to match me.

other days i want a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, who poses for a camera ina pool to post on instagram. she has high cheekbones and insecurities, but she is societies prize winning daughter. we would talk over ice cream about her parents divorce, or about her insecurites on the way to classes she doesnt want to attend. she is a stolen kiss in the locker room when the rest of the girls leave. she is the one who was too good for me, but the one i deserved anyway. the hips my hands fit into the dip of.
Aug 23
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2017 yearbook Pages 245,89

[names have been changed for discretion]

Kormann,Elliot pages 245,89  2017 Yearbook


Elliot kormann is an emotion. a bad pit in my stomach from a year or two back. The drug i was addicted too. when in a dark place, he indulged that darkness for me. that little broken piece of me blossomed for him in second period maths.

he made me uncomfortable, that i went back just to feel that way. he scared me and i flinched. but i wanted him to do it again. it made me feel small. afraid. vulnerable. that was what i was high on.

i wanted to kiss him. if not to kiss, than to feel like sh*t after. I wanted him to slide his hand around my waist, just to tell myself i didn't like it. I wanted to stare into his eyes just to feel my stomach twist. he was my denial. the cliff i was standing on the edge of. the final step i couldn't take.

he was 

the bad thing i craved
the one thing i could feel
May 22
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a hole

sometimes it's like there's a hole in my throat
and the words slip out 
before the reach my mouth

so when i try to tell someone
how empty i feel
the words dont even make it to my lips

it's not even sadness 
not even pain

just cotton in my ears
blinds on my eyes
and a hole in my throat
 
Jan 02
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for a few seconds, and only that

what if you could capture a moment? not like the way a camera captures a photo, or the way a recording keeps record of sound. But in the way that you could literally relive a few seconds of something, as if you were there again. somehow, you could feel and smell and experience a moment just as you did the first time. imagine clicking a button of some kind, and being able to have a few seconds of the past within your grasp...

a day spend laughing, their fingers in your hair being the captured moment. you could be there, sitting in the sunlight again, a few moments of them laughing and pulling a few strands out of your eyes. you could relive that, for a second or two, and forget the sour gloom that set in not moments after.
Dec 11
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Something Different To Me

i dont remember
when it started
only that
it has yet
to end

one day
i found
myself 
looking at
them
diffrently
beacuse suddenly
it was not
about seeing
but rather
remembering
to i could see again
long after they were gone

one day
they because not a friend
but a longing
a feeling
deep inside me
that slowly burns
and drips like honey
an emotion
that feels more
than some
but less
than others

one day
i realized
that here
in this longing
i would stay
because how
could they know?
there was
no way
they felt the same

so now
today
i still wish
i had more than
their hands in
my hair
on a sunny day
laughing 

more than
a moment shared
and words said
that meant
something diffrent
to me than to them

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