Jan 28
earleyg's picture

Black And White

I'm discovering my strengths and weaknesses every day in different areas of study and relationships. With my autism, my default thinking is a strict black-and-white view. There's a yes or a no. There's an up or a down. There's an in and an out. There's no in between. There's no gray area. However ever since I can remember, I've been drawing, painting, creatively writing, and imagining worlds with crazy rules and trends. That conflicts my default thinking and I'm constantly finding myself caught between following my head, the black and white thinking, and my heart, the colorful creative thinking. Now that may seem straightforward in which I should listen to, obviously I should follow my heart, but my heart can blow proportions up to wild scales and eventually I loose track of my train of thought. My head is reality, bound to the rules of nature and the natural order.
Dec 07
earleyg's picture

Level Up

From the first week of school, I joined a volleyball club. I wanted to be more active and this was a great way to make new friends and bond with those I already had. The first time, I was picked second to last by the captains. I was disappointed, but was like, "I'll show them my skill and maybe next time, I'll be chosen sooner." The next time we picked, I was chosen second. My skill paid off. I'm not a volleyball star but I love the sport and make up for my inexperience with eagerness and aggression to get the ball. I've been playing now for a few months and have noticed a pattern. There are a top six or seven white guys who are basically all MVPs and are chosen first while weaker members or less experienced players are given reluctant debating stares before being chosen. This is drop-in volleyball. This isn't the official team where you make the cut or not. The number of women who came to volleyball in the first few weeks were small enough, but now, only four-five of us are left.
Nov 16
earleyg's picture


Relationships for me is a steep, slippery slope of surprise, stress, sadness
I vowed to never let myself get caught up in its grasp again
Never again will I allow myself to play its unfair game of what nature wants and what I want
But I have fallen again
And I have fallen hard
It's all I can do to contain myself when I see my phone light up and I think
What if it's him?
I feel dizzy and wild on my feet when we're near each other, but relaxed when we're sitting together
I want to shout my feelings from the rooftops
I want to express my thoughts to him and hope he understands
But that is a bad idea
No, our friendship will be ruined
He doesn't like me like that
We don't even like the same things
He's reading comics, I'm reading bestsellers
He's more into live action films I'm more into animation
It would never work
That saying 'opposites attract' is a lie in my case
Nov 15
earleyg's picture

In My Arms

I lay a hand upon his skin
So unyielding, so hard, so cold
I know now not who is to blame
For the betrayal of life this man I hold
His chest rises an inch no more
The rich, thick blood that stains when touched
Refuses to release its grip on the threads
In my hands which tightly clutch
It flows in rivers that part in deltas
Down his cheeks, along his side
I cough a sob into my cuff
He just cannot have died
As if by magic a tear does fall
From his closed blue eyes
He does not stir not here not now
But senses my shouts and cries
Nov 07
earleyg's picture


It's so easy to just kick back and stay glued to the couch all day
It's so easy to say "I'll do it tomorrow"
It's so easy to convince that you've done your exercise for the day
So you only got 4,000 steps in for the day instead of the 10,000 you were shooting for
So you only climbed two flights instead of six
You'll make that up tomorrow when you take the stairs instead of the elevator
You'll make that up tomorrow when you walk to the bus stop around the corner instead of your car directly outside
So you ate 50 more calories than you intended
What difference can that make?
It's so easy to say "what the hell"
But it's also easy to do something you love that can trick your brain into exercising
Such as playing a friendly game of soccer or frisbee
Maybe not diving for the ball or disk, but you'll be feeling much better playing with your friends than drinking with them
Oct 30
earleyg's picture


When I was in freshman year of high school, an assignment we had was "draw a picture of your hero". Quite frankly, that was the hardest assignment of the year for me. My hero? What's a hero? And sure, laugh at the question, but let's break it down. Is a hero someone who is physically fit and smart and charasmatic? Or is a hero someone you simply look up to, like your parents or an older relative? Does a hero save people from burning buildings and fight criminals, or are they simply going about their normal day and just trying to survive? Technically, a hero is all these things, but that freshman task of drawing my hero was surprisingly monumental. I knew they weren't talking about those superheroes in comics and television, so I chose someone who inspired me as a person, whose morals were admirable to many people, including myself. Of course, I felt like I hadn't completed the assignment up to my standards. I was still struggling to find the definition of what a hero was.
Oct 19
earleyg's picture


Everyone has secrets. And sometimes those secrets need to come out. But then, it's not really a secret if you tell someone, is it? Or is it a secret so long as a specific person or number of people stay in the dark? I'm known to be someone who everyone tells me their secrets, though I have none of my own because I'm not a very secretive person, although sometimes I wish I was. I got nothing to hide, but you, you have vents and questions and decisions to make that you need to make on your own in the end, but need or want to share your inner struggle with someone. Of course, that means swearing me to secrecy and never telling another soul. And I do a pretty damn good job, but listen, I'm so full of other people's secrets, why? Why can't I say, 'no, go talk to someone else about your problem, I've got my own life to live?' Why can't I turn my friends away when they need me for such a personal reason? It's their decision, it's their problem.
Oct 08
earleyg's picture

Let me Vent

Venting is important
It's like a natural filter of filthy phrases you engage to keep your civilized tongue when it seems like something you care about is falling apart
Let me vent
Don't limit my vocabulary choice
Let me shout it from the rooftops
Let me get it off my chest
But know that I don't mean anything hurtful
Don't try to control my vent
I'll just push harder
Don't try to lead my vent anywhere
I'll just rebel
Don't allow me to hurt you
Again, I don't mean anything I say when all I see is red and all I hear is gibberish
Don't let me get to you
I'm trying to get myself in order
Let me start and end on any note I want
Let me unleash a colorful stream of profanity that only you and I will hear and then forget
Let me cripple to the floor if I want to
Don't pick me up unless I say so
Let me hold myself physically
Becasue mentally I've lost my grip
Sep 28
earleyg's picture

Me Studying

Studying is like an addiction
I can't lift my head
Just one more, one more, let me get it done
Time goes by so slowly
I think I'm finished when I see another I can do
Another that doesn't require too much effort

Studying is like a curse
You wanna get it over with
So you can have fun later without the pressure hanging over your head
Of unfinished business that will blanket your mind in heavy regret for procrastination
I just can't stop
While others just can't start
And I don't know which is worse

Studying is like a compromise
Do this now, you'll do this later
Set your priorities
Which needs the most attention
Which needs the most time
Which needs critical thinking or creative thinking
But it tricks you into thinking that once your list is all crossed out
It surprises you with another list that you think you can handle

Studying is like a contract
Sep 05
earleyg's picture

Just Dance

I don't know about you, but depending on the situation, I'm so self conscious when I dance. I don't dance well, but then again, what is dancing? Dancing is the movement of your body to the rhythm of music. So, I take it back, I guess it's not me dancing well that's at stake here, but my ego of how I'm dancing. Well, anyways, since I was a little kid, I never danced, but I did sing. As I grew up, I realized how off my harmony was, and before I even consciously knew it, I began picking up dance more and more. Now I'm still out of sync with the music, but does that really matter? I mean, unless you're a professional and you're being paid to master a few moves, then yeah it does, but if you're just with friends, that's when you shouldn't feel terrible about your ego being a little bruised. Cause they're your friends!