Feb 02

Dangerous and Young

I felt like one of those bad kids,
who usually are up to nothing good on the weekends,
sitting in parking lots 
in the dark with friends 
doing things teenagers are known for. 

My eyes felt dark and I felt unsettlingly at peace,
surveying the dark sprinkled with lights and the red sign that shone above me.

I snapped the picture before I lost the dangerous and young feeling
of being alive, 
because it passes really fast. 
 
Feb 02

They and You

One was mysterious
dark
unknown and 
dangerous. 

Made my heart beat quicken,
but things like that only last
a little while.
I bled instead.

One was comfortable
sweet
open and 
clueless.

Made me feel loved,
but that love wasn't returned.
I wasn't fair.

I don't know what you are just yet,
but I hope
neither of us has to bleed
until we have to. 

 
 
Feb 01

Your dog watched me go

You cried. 
Oh, I am so sorry you cried. 
And I'm sorry I stood there and watched you,
knowing full well
it was my words that was making your eyes red. 

I offered you my hand for the last time,
and you took one finger.
We both gave up,
I think,
at the same moment.

I had not told you the full story,
to protect you,
to keep some of your sanity
but in the end,
it didn't really matter. 

I shut the front door to your house,
a house I had come to know,
for the last time. 

Your dog watched me go.




 
Feb 01

Too Real and Too Soon

I hadn't slept in a few days.
Mom was the first to notice it, of course. She always notices something, good or bad. 

"Have you been sleeping? You have bags under your eyes". 

I know. I know I did.
And I knew why. But I wasn't at the point just yet to admit it. 

The first night had just been tossing and turning, getting up to get a glass of lukewarm water and pacing around my room, praying I would fall asleep. 
The second night was more sporadic. I would fall asleep for a few minutes, and then suddenly wake up to find myself in a chilled state...I'd put on a few layers and then read. Nothing really worked. I'd be up until school started the next morning. 

The third night, I dreamt. It was awful, I couldn't separate dream from reality. I was tortured with my thoughts, which transformed themselves before me, shapeshifting, snickering, making each impossible to understand. 
Nov 23

Swim

Just hand in the paper,
the worthless
half blank
paper. 
The last one in the room,
the bell had just rung
and the girl nodded as her math teacher 
just like every other math teacher who had ever taught her 
told her this was a skills class
she needed to practice 
she needed to swim on her own. 
The girl nodded, yes 
she needed to swim,
how sorry she was, 
for not swimming on her own. 
She’ll  do better next time, 
although she knew she wouldn’t. 
She was sure the teacher
knew that almost as well as she did.

Hold it in. 
Get the backpack on. 
Walk down the hall. 
Turn left into the girl’s room. 
Drop the bag
close the stall door. 
Swim, swim, swim.
she needed to swim. 
Her head swirled, 
disappointment came streaming from her eyes. 
She held her breath, 
she needed to swim. 
Why couldn’t she swim? 
Oct 20

Grey Hairs

Whole wheat bread and peanut butter start my morning,
maybe some bitter tea that will make my eyes open wider
if I have time between
fretting over my clothes 
and wondering how I compare to other girls
and then getting mad at myself 
for even thinking that
while I drive to school
my two brothers are silent 
our dark eyes watching the early morning rise up behind each road we climb
and I try to count how many days are left
until all the hairs on my head
are grey and wiry and old
so I can finally call myself wise
but am confronted by the thought if we are actually ever really wise
or if it's all some sort of joke
and the grey hairs don't symbolize anything but our own existence 
coming to an end. 


 
Oct 20

Breathe Again

I'm not myself
I'm not the person I could be
these people are taking my breath
and turning it into a fire
hot and
burning
my heart into a thousand pieces of worthless ash.

I question my meaning,
when my meaning is denied
words are not spoken to my face
I beg I plead and get down on my knees
but no one looks me in the eyes. 

My closest friends don't understand
my teachers watch at a distance,
people ask me if I'm in a bad mood
but the problem isn't my mood
it's this place
I'm trapped in
my walls are becoming higher
and I don't have enough strength to climb them anymore. 

It's getting colder
and the things that should be making me happy aren't anymore.
I'm indifferent 
to everyone's chaotic purpose in this world.

I want more
but I have to wait
I wait because there's nothing else to do.
So don't frown upon my quietness,
Oct 20

Her Mind

Jul 19

Changed

When you walked towards me I had not seen you in two weeks. You looked the same, strangely. But me, I had changed so much. You didn't seem to notice my empty frame When you hugged me at last. My heart, if still there, was just an empty casing. Nothing left to give, Even to you.
Jul 01

Keep This Moment Alive

I held the phone close to my ear
wanting to hear every word you said
as I laid flat on my bed
looking up at the christmas lights strung above me.

Pillows surrounded me as my heart lurched
when I heard you smiling through your words
and all I wanted at that moment 
was to keep this moment alive forever
just you and me,
and our honesty
and our love
and just simply
us. 

#sos17

 

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