Jan 23

Imperfect but Perfect

You told me you loved me
when I wasn't paying attention.

Not only this, 
but I was sick with a cold
my head stuffed 
with a thousand cotton balls. 

The light in the kitchen was low
castng a soft yellow light over everything
making all the edges fade and soften.

I gasped
because to hear the words from your lips
didn't seem real
until at that very moment.

I got up, pushing a chair out of my way
circling around the room
around the counter
distancing myself from you.

I don't know why
that was my inital reaction
I just needed to collect my thoughts
collect my breath
before facing you again.

I felt your hand on my shoulder
and you turned me to you
turning my chin up 
our eyes meeting.

I smiled
because I couldn't handle it anymore.

I felt bad
because when I imagined this moment
Jan 20

January 20, 2017

As I lay here on the couch 
my head pounding 
not in school due to a fever
I watch the live feed from the New York Times
of the inauguration processions taking place
in Washington. 

I watch as Trump's children 
walk to their seats
smiling awkwardly at the cameras.
Joe Biden
looking slightly confused
a goofy smile pasted onto his face. 
Michelle Obama
looking sad but so very dignified
in her deep red dress. 
Mr. President Obama himself
looking slightly different with his gray hair
than he did when he was elected,
calm and at ease
like he always is. 
Bernie Sanders
looking around
at his lap
at the people
seemingly pondering
everything that comes his way.
And of course Trump...
well, I'd rather not think about him just yet. 
My head is already pounding with a headache
I don't need to add to it. 
Jan 16

Trying to Read

I spent the hours you were away
upstairs on my bed
spread across the covers
holding a book above me 
trying to read in the sunlight 
that turned the white pages gold.

Each sentence brought me peace
but at every pause 
every indent on the page
you would drift into my thoughts
almost unnoticed
dare I say  rudely?

I would throw down my book 
disgusted that I couldn't even get through a page
without you making a scene in my mind. 
How dare you
invade my private time
infest my thoughts with your sweet face
making me sick with overflowing emotions
that I cannot seem to explain. 
Jan 16

Those Words We're Too Busy to Say

You say you want to say those words
but my dear we are simply too busy
to stop and look at each other for long enough
and gain the courage 
to let go of the fear we seem to have a death grip on.
I have been saying it in my mind
for a long time now
but I dare not whisper them just yet
even when I am alone in my room
the dark enveloping my thoughts
I feel that fear creeping up on me again
taking over the desire
of saying those words. 

I close my eyes
trying to picture your face
but you are too real to imagine your reaction
to these words I wish to say.

I haven't seen you in days
and you haven't seen me. 
I wonder if you do the same things
as me,
trying to make sense these feelings 
these thoughts 
and at the same time
not wanting to. 

Jan 15

Everyday Things You See But Don't Actually Talk About

Today I watched
an old man
pull into the parking lot of Walmart with his wife
two whited haired heads
cautiously peeking above the dash of their Ford
as he nosed into the parking space.

The wife got out
swinging the door wide
while grabbing her shiny alligator skin purse 
from her lap
looking back at her husband
who then tried to open his door
but couldn't. 

He was parked too close to the cart holder 
and every time he opened his door
it would bang into the metal pole. 

He eventually motioned over to his wife
in an exasperated throw of the hand into the air
and told her to go ahead.
She disappeared into the store,
leaving him to maneuver the car
into the space
at a better angle. 

He backed out,
and pulled back into the same spot. 
He turned the engine off,
and tried the door again. 
No luck. 
Jan 10

Walking Too Fast

You told me to slow down
to let you catch up 
so I did
because I felt bad. 

You say 
I walk too fast 
You see me leaving

But I'm busy 
I say in reply
I'm always busy.

I'm always going places.
Doing things. 

I can't help
but sometimes leave you behind.
Even if I don't mean to. 
Jan 10

Watery World

I lean my head against the cool stone of the wall of the shower,
the warm water sliding down my tired body
washing away evidence of the day
down the drain. 

I close my eyes
sensing everything around me
the slight movement of air around my ears
the sound of the water crying out 
as it slides in tiny rivers down my feet
into another world.

I focus on my breathing 
moist with raindrops on my tongue
reluctant to leave my lungs.

I cannot explain the feelings blooming in my chest
these feelings of deep purple and shallow ponds
echoes of laughter dying on porch of my grandmother's house
but out there
in the real world
I must try and make sense of them.

So I stay here
this small rectangular place
where I can escape just for a few minutes 
not having to come to terms 
with the way I am feeling 
the way I am thinking
Jan 09

Pain Much Deeper

I ache 
and you give me chocolates
I scrape my knees
and you give me a band-aid
I cry 
and you hand me a tissue
I scream 
and you hold me until I quiet
I run away
and you call me back each time
I lock myself in
and you somehow find the key.

But my darling, tonight
I feel a pain much deeper than before
and this time 
I don't think
you can fix it. 
Jan 09

A Gesture of My Love

We were standing shoulder to shoulder
our breath being exposed by the cold air
staring off at the mountains
eclipsed by the dead sun
just hiding behind them
its pale yellow light just peeking out
giving room for the moon
who stood behind us
making shadows in the snow
at our feet. 

I turned to you
my hat falling in my eyes
my heart so full and hopeful
and then I remembered 
how I could get hurt
how you might react
so instead of telling you
I loved you
I laughed and shoved you over
and this began a game of tag 
because that's just how I am 
I can't seem to express 
how I feel
in the right way

So dear just remember,
every time you fell down 
into the cold, sparkling snow
it was just a gesture of my frustration
a gesture of my love
this love that I can't seem to control. 
Jan 09

I Tried

I tried
to smile
and swallow the bitter taste of embarrassment
and sadness 
but it stuck in my throat
thorns tearing up
my mouth
refusing to let me speak
a word
without the sound of 
branches scratching at a window
so instead I stare ahead
my eyes on the edge 
of a waterfall
looking down at the place where I could fall
but I refuse 
because I'm apparently too strong for that.