Apr 03
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to my hometown

"Hey Mom, did you feel emotional the first time you drove in Sacramento? I did and I wanted to tell you, but we weren't really talking when it happened. All those bends I've known my whole life, and stores, and the whole thing. But I wanted to tell you. I love you." -Lady Bird, 2017

I felt emotional the first time I drove alone in my hometown. 
Watching all the stores and houses I'd passed by for so many years. 
The sun beaming on my skin as I blasted my favorite song from the CD player of my parents' car. 
I was driving to a friend's house on the other side of town. 
I could point out all the houses of my friends. 
The bakery I got my 7th birthday cake from.
The spot on the side of the road where I saw a man juggling once. 
The fading sign of my old elementary school. 
The library I've spend hours picking out books from.
The grocery store my mom always goes to. 
Jan 23
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by the door

she waits in black
by The Door
she crumples her tissue 
but her Tears continue to pour 
that smooth black box 
is Too Much to bear 
those eyes contnue to stare
even if they're Not there
what is that sound?
the beating of a Heart it could not be
it contiues to taunt 
and never Stop
why does it hurt?
even if it's not Me? 
i'm not the one 
in that Smooth Black Box
i'm just the one
waiting in black
by The Door. 

Nov 14
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It's hard to think about how one day
he will see my face
and not be able to match a name.
He won't smile behind his glasses
only a blank face will stare back at me
of a man who once was.
Growing up with him so lost already
it's hard to imagine losing him even more. 
Oh how I'll miss the little glimpses of him
even if there were only so many. 
I already knew him so little
yet loved him so much
and now the sliver of him I hold on to tightly
is being pulled out of my hands 
ever so slowly
until it's no longer there. 
How many years left?
Will he see me graduate 
or fall in love
grow into the person I wish to be. 
All I can do is wait
hope that there is more time 
as there suddenly seems to be so little
as the clock ticks away. 
a couple years from now
he'll still know my name
still see me as his little grandaughter
who loves him so much
Nov 09
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making it to eighteen

a few months before graduation
a couple of years after getting my license
a day that seems will never come
that seems so far
and unreachable.
crazy to think all that will happen 
between now and then
how I will change
and grow
how much more I will know
the heartbreak and tears to come
the days where the sun shines on my skin
and I feel as if I could fly.
I can't wait till I'm there 
yet I'm so scared for it to arrive
so much has yet to happen
I don't know what to expect
but it will be here sooner than I know it
I just know it.
see you at eighteen
Oct 08
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When does it all end?
When does everything stop moving?
I fear the day it all stops. 
I don't want the book to close quite yet.
I simply want the white noise to fade away
and the color to return.
I want the birds to sing again
and the leaves to swirl again.
Where did it all go? 
When did it all leave?
When did the fog appear?
When did the black seep in through the cracks?
When will it all come back?
I miss the way it was. 
I miss the rainy days
when the world didn't seem to grey.
I miss the music 
and flashing pictures.
One day it will return.
I'm sure of it. 
All I have to do it wait. 

Jul 25
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 it                                         started
         as                                                     a
                 a                                                    downpour
away                                                                      even
yet                                                                                                  it
May 28
atnedojumper's picture

War Isn't Easy

Growing up I always knew I wanted to be a soldier.
I wanted to use the big, fancy guns
And wear the camouflage outfits.
I wanted to be just like my dad and grandpa and great-grandpa
And make my mother proud.
I wanted to fight for a better country
So that one day
My own children could live freely as I have.
But nobody ever told me
That war isn’t easy.
Watching your little baby grow up isn’t easy.
You no longer need to hold them when they’re scared
Or wipe their tears when they fall.
You no longer need to remind them which shoe goes on which foot
Or to always say please and thank you.
You see them lose their need for you
And can’t help but wonder what comes next.

Telling your own mother and father that you’re leaving isn’t easy.
Watching your mother cry and beg you not to go feels like an arrow to the heart.
You haven’t even left yet
Jan 01
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Sweet Sixteen

Dear Best Friend,
Happy Birthday. On this day you would’ve turned 16. Your sweet 16. A few days from now you would be picking up your official driver’s license, applying for a job at the grocery store. Possibly you would have gotten your first real boyfriend sometime soonish. But instead, all I can think about is that one month from now marks 2 years since the day. Since the day that I think about every day. Since they day every piece of my heart shattered. Since the day you took your own life.

You hear the stories. About the kids years ago who were bullied and had parents who abused them. Who decided to give up on life. You say that that would never happen to somebody today, now that by law schools are required to talk to you about how to get help. But it’s not always the kids with the most visible scars.
Oct 21
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It Was All Real

My mother crying on the phone
Telling her friend it's going to be okay
Saying that people have recovered from Stage 4 before.
Pulling my mom into a tight hug
Praying to whatever is up above
Hoping it wasn't real
I would wake up and hear that she was fine
That she wasn't sick. 

Finding out that she was refusing to do chemo
That she wanted to do it all natural.
Being mad, thinking about how she was killing herself by doing it
Thinking about her barely school-aged son 
and almost-my-age daughter
Being left 
Without a mother.

GoFundMe campaign 
Hearing that she was better
Planning to visit
But it never happening 

The seizure.
It was everywhere
Hearing that she was at the care home
It wasn't going to get better
She wasn't okay.

Riding back from piano lessons
Tears in my mother's eyes
Breaking the news
That she was gone.
Oct 18
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Dear Anxiety

Dear Anxiety,
You do not define me. 
Your presence does not overpower me.
You are not my label,
I am not your property. 
Though you may try to hold me back,
I am stronger. 
I am the bigger person.
My tears do not mark failure. 
I may struggle, but that does not mean this is the end.
You may beat me 
You may leave deep scars that won't heal
But I refuse to give up. 
I refuse to let you become me.
I refuse to lose myself to you.
You are not me.