Aug 18

Why now?


My phone rings beside me,
I look down,
See the name.
My hands shake,

My throat tightens,
I feel dizzy,
Like I might faint
Or throw up.

After all this time, why now?
Why call four times in one day?
Why can’t you leave me be?

I thought you’d forgotten me.
I was just another friend who you’d hurt
And then pushed away.

I finally made peace with it,
Stopped feeling like I’d failed you,
Moved on.

But now,
All the bad feelings flow back,
I’m scared,
And alone.

 
Mar 07

Things unsaid


There are so many things I want to say,
but can't.
Something is holding me back,
insecurity, fear, uncertainty.
But the most important thing,
always left unsaid,

I love you,
I love you,
I love you,
love you,
love you,
love.
Jan 02

No escape

No matter where I go,
What I do,
My past follows me.

Lurking in the shadows,
Waiting for the perfect time,
To pounce.

Fear petrifies me,
And I am caught between,
The past and the present.

A voice tells me that the past will just keep repeating itself
Another tells me that I need to keep going and stop looking back,
But I can follow either.
I am caught between my emotions,
Stuck in the past, but trying to look forward,
Trying and failing to see the light.

 
Sep 13

Bye

I know you are all here,
all together,
without me.

I know its not your fault,
It's mine,
even though I can't
stop it.

I know you are having fun,
starting again,
another year.

I know that I miss you,
sitting my myself
without someone to talk to.
 
Sep 05

Is this the last goodbye?

Last time I saw you,
did you think it was goodbye for good?
Did you consider that we might not ever,
talk together,
smile at each other,
laugh at one another?

Did you realize that I was leaving behind a friend?
did you think that you were parting with one too
or was it just another girl tossed away?

Did you think about our friendship?
did you understand me?
or were you just pretending?
I can't really tell.

Watching you load your instrument in the car,
watching it pull away,
did I realize that we might never play together again?

Saying goodbye, I never thought it would hurt this much,
what about you?
 

Aug 31

A New Start

Walking through the doors,
backpack on again,
not yet weighed down with papers,
books,
stress.

Remembering the past,
best friends,
people you haven't seen in a while.
 

But also looking to the future,
meeting new people,
having new classes,
starting on a new adventure.

But no matter how hard you try,
or how much you want to,
you can't forget your past.
It always has a way of catching up to you.

But it is a new year,
the mistakes made in the past
strengthened you,
and you can start again,
remembering what you learned.

May 29

Tired

I'm tired. 
Tired of emotion,
of pain,
of sadness.

Tired of always being the one
to back out,
to not be there,
to disappoint the group.

I'm tired, 
Tired of having my heart broken,
Tired of missing him,
Tired of worrying about him.

I'm tired, 
of not being able to do it,
of being told I can't,
and thinking that I might never be able to.

I'm tired of this,
I don't know how to fix it,
or how to live,
with this awful feeling,
of always being exhausted.
May 17

Every time, my heart


Every time I see him,
my heart breaks a little more.
Every time he touches me,
my heart screams in pain.

Every time I talk about him,
my heart weeps.
Every time I listen to music he likes,
I crumble.

Every time I see her,
I wish I was her.
Every time I talk to her,
I'm glad I'm not.
Everytime he talks about her,
I die a little more.

May 02

How to help her

I can see her pain,
But she is distant.
I want to help her,
But I don’t know how to.

I’m watching the strong crumble,
Trying to do go forward,
But constantly being pulled back,
A vicious cycle.

I try to tell her I’m here for her,
But the words all seem wrong.
Nothing sticks, and nothing makes sense,
I’m useless.
 
Apr 26

Panic

Panic,
runs like ice
through my veins,
driven by fear.

The fear of
making a mistake, 
being unkind,
not being true
to myself,
showing too much emotion.

I can't let my emotions control me.
I can't let him know about the pain.
I need to move on.
 

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