Aug 31

i’ll push back


you make me feel trapped,
struggling to get free. 
you hold everything you've ever done for me,
dangle it over my head 
and taunt me with its existence. 
you use your favors as bargaining chips 
and it wears me thin. 
you claim openness and 
you say you'll give me space 
but you only see what you want to see. 
you never think about what happens when you're not around. 
the constant searching and trying. 
then you come home 
and belittle me 
and yell at me 
and tell me you resent me for not trying. 
but i am. 
i really am. 
i am every day,
just because i don't scream it out to you 
doesn't mean 
it doesn't occur. 
you do not see the air you breathe 
yet you never question it is there. 
people tell you it is,
thus it is. 
so why do you question me?
distrust me?
i do not deceive you. 
i am my own person,
Aug 23

uninspired






hi

i know you’re reading this 

checking it from in front of me 

not in metaphors though. 

and maybe these words 

don’t hit you 

like they normally would. 

don’t worry, 

they haven’t been hitting me 

either. 

they’re empty. 

emotionless. 

and the only thing i feel is 

anger

like a walking cliche 

no one understands me. 

i want 

and i need 

but i can’t make myself 

feel things 

other than 

resentment. 

and i hate it. 

that only makes it worse, though. 

i’ve been MIA 

in my body. 

i’m somewhere else,

dissociated from this 

field of view. 

and i want to care that 

you’re upset

but i just don’t 
Jul 19

18






i love her so much 

but her paranoia gets 

stuck between my teeth 

like a nectarine plucked 

from a branch 

that should have rested 

just one more day

it tears up my life

piece by piece 

and sets it alight 

burning through my flesh 

smoking with passive aggression 

and resentment towards her 

small wax figurine that is 

carved as her and the love 

she shares with another 

and i say things 

do things 

because so much has been taken away 

and it’s too much by the end of the day

and i start slipping 

down deep where i was last january 

because this is the last burden i can’t bear 

the one that breaks me down. 

my day 

gone in a flash like any other 
Jun 30

dumb kid


you told me it would get better 
or maybe that was me
and i just said it to the mirror 
and like a dream i remembered it wrong. 
but i suppose it doesn't matter. 
every accent in your voice 
every inflection in your words
scream
'dumb kid' 
a child is what i am 
a child is who i remain 
for weeks at most 
or maybe for years at least 
i'm not sure. 
but i know your serpent 
tongue hisses at me 
'dumb kid' 
you'll read this, 
i know. 
you might not like this one. 
it may find it's way to the trash 
a white lie will pass your lips on 
how you didn't see it.
'oh well' you'll say. 
and i will note the free magnet and 
hollow space on the fridge.
they can't all be winners. 
you'd know about that right? 
i’m sure you'd like a redo.
sometimes i want one, too. 
but i'd give up everything i love for you. 
May 23

Piano Keys


this isnt a break up song
i know we'll see each other again
maybe not for years and years 
and maybe not even then 
but i know we will find our way back home
--
you carried me on your shoulders when i was weak
and i tied you to myself
a bond no one could break
and i fell hard
into your arms
all the 
safe and sound
the lost 
and
the found
--
there remained only one questioned
i couldnt bear to ask you;
do you want this too?
May 16

Let Us Be Not Okay


this must be what they teach you
in all the novels i never got around to reading
i know they say to just keep breathing 
but admittedly that's a bit hard when my heart isn't beating with the tempo anymore. 
all the plans i had made,
all the fools errands to be played 
in my head,
'just keep your head up' 
well that's just not working very 
well for me right now. 
sorry to burst your bubble 
i'm sorry to be so cynical 
but i feel robbed 
and broken 
by your new normal. 
don't try to minimize this. 
just let me criticize this. 
and mourn the loss of days 
gone by.
and the absence of my companions. 
 
May 15

it should’ve been me (class of 2020)









it all came crashing down

this afternoon

when the wind started blowing 

and i’d written everything i had to say 

down and already sealed it up 

it all became real, not for the first time but for the last,

it should’ve been me

your words were far from comfort

you never knew how to hold someone 

with your phrase,

but damn,

your presence could heal 

a dead man walking. 

but none of that matters now 

because everything that i

have lived for is gone

and each day that i 

pushed myself to 

breathe in

breathe out 


was wasted on a false hope 

that only now has

become such. 

it’s a deceiving tale—

weaved through

thirteen years
May 11

they(m)


You say I am not special enough

To be two people

You say it's in my brain

And I can't help but

Be glad that at least mine works

Because how can who i am

Quietly and privately

Offend you so much,

Is your own person

So fragile 

So broken 

That it makes you nervous 

That I know exactly who I am 

And even if it was in my brain

Who would you be to say

That makes it any less real

Infact

I'm more worthy of a title than you

Because I've had to fight for people like you

To see me and know me as I see and know myself

And that makes every day a hell to get through 

But a race I always win

Because the best part 

If making you uncomfortable

When you thought 

You were a 

Big 

Strong
Apr 30

Too Heavy

I've known her from before I could breathe,

Since my life truly hung in the balance of the 

fleshy cords that strummed chords to my stomach

I've known her since the small 

particles connected to my flesh and moved my 

lips ever so slightly 

Alerting the world that I was here.

She's never faltered, though she's changed,

And I don't talk to her as much as I should,

It's far too painful.

The sinking feeling of months in between us

And state lines beneath us are much too heavy.

But I can't imagine this world without her light

And she may be the one soul I can look for when 

I'm lost among my unweeded garden of intrusive thinking

And unwelcome anxieties.

All I  can do is yell out her name 

And hope to see her blue eyes in the constellations 

above me at night,
Mar 26

Swallow Me








i’ve lied on floors before,

unabashed and wailing

contemplating my death days 

before the sun could even rise 

and i’ve writhed in agony 

in the arms of my looping carpet.

but never before have i hated each atom, each molecule of wretched air twisted in putrid and vile weaving ribbons like i do now,

lying on an acrylic floor 

hating myself and hating everything. 

i have never before despised the birdsong playing around me in a lovely melody so sickening it makes me wish the floor would melt around me and swallow me up. 

swallow me. 

swallow me. 

swallow me. 

finish what you’ve started. infect me with your decrepit dreams of isolation and damn those who dare to laugh at you as if it is we who are lucky when they can try it again next year,

and i was numb and i was broken and i am angry. 

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