May 23

Piano Keys


this isnt a break up song
i know we'll see each other again
maybe not for years and years 
and maybe not even then 
but i know we will find our way back home
--
you carried me on your shoulders when i was weak
and i tied you to myself
a bond no one could break
and i fell hard
into your arms
all the 
safe and sound
the lost 
and
the found
--
there remained only one questioned
i couldnt bear to ask you;
do you want this too?
May 16

Let Us Be Not Okay


this must be what they teach you
in all the novels i never got around to reading
i know they say to just keep breathing 
but admittedly that's a bit hard when my heart isn't beating with the tempo anymore. 
all the plans i had made,
all the fools errands to be played 
in my head,
'just keep your head up' 
well that's just not working very 
well for me right now. 
sorry to burst your bubble 
i'm sorry to be so cynical 
but i feel robbed 
and broken 
by your new normal. 
don't try to minimize this. 
just let me criticize this. 
and mourn the loss of days 
gone by.
and the absence of my companions. 
 
May 15

it should’ve been me (class of 2020)









it all came crashing down

this afternoon

when the wind started blowing 

and i’d written everything i had to say 

down and already sealed it up 

it all became real, not for the first time but for the last,

it should’ve been me

your words were far from comfort

you never knew how to hold someone 

with your phrase,

but damn,

your presence could heal 

a dead man walking. 

but none of that matters now 

because everything that i

have lived for is gone

and each day that i 

pushed myself to 

breathe in

breathe out 


was wasted on a false hope 

that only now has

become such. 

it’s a deceiving tale—

weaved through

thirteen years
May 11

they(m)


You say I am not special enough

To be two people

You say it's in my brain

And I can't help but

Be glad that at least mine works

Because how can who i am

Quietly and privately

Offend you so much,

Is your own person

So fragile 

So broken 

That it makes you nervous 

That I know exactly who I am 

And even if it was in my brain

Who would you be to say

That makes it any less real

Infact

I'm more worthy of a title than you

Because I've had to fight for people like you

To see me and know me as I see and know myself

And that makes every day a hell to get through 

But a race I always win

Because the best part 

If making you uncomfortable

When you thought 

You were a 

Big 

Strong
Apr 30

Too Heavy

I've known her from before I could breathe,

Since my life truly hung in the balance of the 

fleshy cords that strummed chords to my stomach

I've known her since the small 

particles connected to my flesh and moved my 

lips ever so slightly 

Alerting the world that I was here.

She's never faltered, though she's changed,

And I don't talk to her as much as I should,

It's far too painful.

The sinking feeling of months in between us

And state lines beneath us are much too heavy.

But I can't imagine this world without her light

And she may be the one soul I can look for when 

I'm lost among my unweeded garden of intrusive thinking

And unwelcome anxieties.

All I  can do is yell out her name 

And hope to see her blue eyes in the constellations 

above me at night,
Mar 26

Swallow Me








i’ve lied on floors before,

unabashed and wailing

contemplating my death days 

before the sun could even rise 

and i’ve writhed in agony 

in the arms of my looping carpet.

but never before have i hated each atom, each molecule of wretched air twisted in putrid and vile weaving ribbons like i do now,

lying on an acrylic floor 

hating myself and hating everything. 

i have never before despised the birdsong playing around me in a lovely melody so sickening it makes me wish the floor would melt around me and swallow me up. 

swallow me. 

swallow me. 

swallow me. 

finish what you’ve started. infect me with your decrepit dreams of isolation and damn those who dare to laugh at you as if it is we who are lucky when they can try it again next year,

and i was numb and i was broken and i am angry. 
Mar 23

Dramatic Monologue

    I remember the day I died, less than the day I was born but more than the first day I said my own name. I remember how I got there just as well as when I left, and your  voice still echoes on the pages that I tear up for warmth among the blazing hellscape buried beneath. 
“It is not about how you get there, or how quickly you make it, it is about who you get there for. You will spend the rest of your life trying to get there, and when you finally do, there will be no one left waiting for you. I won’t even be there to say ‘I told you so’”
Feb 23

Six Too Fast



six too fast

it creeps in—

crawling its way up my esophagus 

laying heavy on my tongue

the bitter bile burning the cave top

sizzling sicklets of blood bouncing

off taste buds and settling in the 

concave caverns of bone

a small pool for the acid soldiers to rest.

my stomach churns, 

expanding insides to ripped seams,

IV fluid building up in the corridors of flesh, 

my eyes are fading and someone is saying something somewhere but 

i can’t listen because the inside of my mouth is raw and bloody

and full of phantom sores 

and my heart, pumps one beat too slow.

then six too fast.

second time’s the charm. 
 
Feb 11

How Dare You (To The Boy In A Building)


how dare you make me feel like i was over reacting

how dare you. 

you walk by me. 

once. 

twice. 

and again. 

and again 

and again 

and again 

and i’ve lost count how many times

your eyes have flickered from the drawstring on your sweatpants to the triangle of negative space formed by the 

way i sit on the floor—

legs locked and crossed. 

you stared down the trash can. as if it was so interesting to you, 

hands hidden against the purplish brown plastic, 

but still clearly in front of you, 

like a child whining in line 

‘you should have gone before we left’ 

in a way i wish that’s all you were doing. 

a gross display of shamelessness, but no. 

you just keep walking back and forth. 

i alert my friends,

we all squish against the wall,
Feb 09

you

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