Apr 16

NYC

Mar 18

Last Year

When I was 13 I wanted to die.
I looked out at my perfect world
And felt none of it.
None of that could save me from my own brain.
Anxiety and depression pulled me 
Into my dark depths of self-loathing.
Tendrils of imperfection infiltrated my mind,
Convincing me that something wasn’t right,
So everything had to go.
I listened to songs about suicide and giving up.
I let them poison my mind,
Thinking nothing would ever be better.
I scolded myself when I didn’t dig my fingernails deeply enough into my skin to leave marks.
I’d stand on a balcony
And think how easy it’d be to end it all.
I’d stop hurting.
It’s a short cut through hell, right?
But I didn’t.
I waited, I cried, I hurt myself, I isolated myself.
But I could never bring myself to end it all.

That was a year ago,
But it feels a lifetime away.
I can’t listen to those songs 
Mar 09

Watch My Eyes

I see her every day
Yet I miss her more than ever.

Ever since that day
I’ve just been waiting,
Waiting, waiting.
Like she put my life on hold.

I watch her and hope 
I hope that she might just sit with me again.
That hasn’t happened, 
And I doubt it ever will.

Sometimes, though,
I see her watching me too.
What does she think, now,
When she hears my name?

I saw her when I didn’t expect,
And I stopped like a deer in headlights.
What did my eyes look like to her?
Did she see the pain, the sadness?

She said we’re ok,
But I don’t believe that.
If we’re supposed to be friends,
Then why hasn’t she talked to me?

I miss her.
Every day I think of her,
And how this day could have gone
If she hadn’t made that choice.

It’s been so long,
And I thought I was ok,
But suddenly it’s all flooding back.
I love her.
 
Feb 21

I Guess Love Isn’t Enough Anymore

I love you
Like I’ve never loved anyone

I love you
So, slowly, slowly
I let myself be vulnerable

I love you
I trusted you when you told me
It wouldn’t happen again

I love you
And it took so long to trust
I’d just barely learned
Then you broke it again

You broke me.

I want to be mad, but I’m not
I don’t want to be mad, but I am

How could you?

You say you love me
More than you’ve ever loved anyone else
And I believed you
I believe you
I will believe you

I love you
But I don’t understand
How can you leave someone you love

Are you broken too?
Are you lonely too?
Are you being eaten away from the inside
Because you gave your soul to someone
And they gave it back?
Twice.

Twice you broke me.
Twice you left me.
Twice you stopped trying.

I love you
Feb 19

Inspiration

To see the sun and feel the warmth
To gaze upon the moving flares

To watch the sea and know the breeze
To behold the flowing waves.

Watch the flames and be the sun
Watch the waves and be the sea

An outstretched foot
A reaching hand
Become the sky and touch the earth

But how to dance when nothing’s left?
How to move when all’s forgot
The light - gone
The sea - dead
Hand by hand, foot by foot, head by head
All is gone beneath the dirt.

When all is gone, be the darkness
Understand what’s empty
And become what you see
Or what you don’t see

When all is gone, be the light
Understand what’s been lost
And become what you remember
Or what you wish to come

Everything is inspiration
Everything is movement

Every war, every peace
Every day, every night
Every hate, every love
Every light, every dark
Feb 19

Why Do I Dance?

Why do I dance?

I dance because it is the only thing
That makes me feel the stars in my feet.
Nothing matches the feeling
Of spinning, spinning to forget the outside world.

I dance to forget unkind emotions
And create new ones.
To let myself feel the passion
That I so often must push down.

I dance for the opportunity
To jump into the sky
And never come back,
Never return to reality.

I dance to become something else,
To embody another creature,
To imitate another world,
To create another universe.

I dance to interpret
The experience
Of another people,
And to understand my own.

I dance when there is nothing else to do.
When I’m waiting or nervous,
What else can I do but move?
What else can I do but dance?

Why do I dance?

I dance to be happy.
I dance to feel stars.
I dance to escape reality.
Feb 17

70° Fahrenheit

(Meant to post this for a challenge last month. Oh well, better late than never.)

70 degrees Fahrenheit.
Calm,
Perfect.
When the ties of winter have finally
Blown away.

No constraints.
Just air,
And warmth,
And spring.

A girl dancing in the grass,
Alone.
Short blond hair
And ocean eyes,
Generic and yet…
The most beautiful thing
I've ever seen,
Ever felt,
Ever experienced.

70 degrees Fahrenheit.
The calm after a storm,
The sun after a week of rain.
That wonderful person after a lifetime
Of not knowing.
Months of cold breeze
Breathing down my neck,
Years of my burning words
Sneaking up my spine.

And finally,
After all this time,
Calm.
 
Nov 20

Love is Lily

I hear stars in her voice.
Over and under
The lilt of her lips,
Weaving between
Our fingers.

She’s cold,
I’m warm.
A perfect equilibrium,
Balance.

I see gold when she moves.
Becoming 
A character,
Imitating 
Another life.

Maybe
I’m in love with love.
Maybe 
I’m in love with her.
Maybe 

It’s the same thing.
 
Nov 12

Sensory Overload

Sep 24
poem 4 comments challenge: Portrait

The Only World I Want Is My Own

Me.
14 years old and still lost in time.
Dark brown hair almost always in a high ponytail.
Blue eyes desperately avoiding the gaze of others.
Long, strong legs that belong in an ice rink.
Feet that curl in, even they look shy.

Me. 
High-functioning autism, social anxiety, and a little bit of OCD to top it all off.
My world is numbers
And spinning
And ice
And music
And chaos 
Or order.

Me.
I probably won’t talk unless you talk to me first.
When I do talk, it might not make sense to you.
But it will to me.

Me.
The perfect moment
Is when I understand.
If I don’t,
I’ll quietly go up in flames.

Don’t worry though.
Just pretend I’m not here
And I’ll do the same to the rest of the world.

The only world I want is my own.

 

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