sk

writer’s block
it’s all your fault
me telling you
my deepest secret
made me lose my will to do the one thing
i can always do.
write.
i have no idea what to type any more
nothing sounds right
or seems right
everything has all come tumbling down.
into a pile
at the end of my bed
a pile of us playing gypsies at age 6
a pile of your words
your tears
my tears
i cannot write because of this pile
it keeps me awake
even this piece
doesn’t sound right
maybe because my brain cannot comprehend your lack of acceptance
for me being bi
your lack of ability to understand my love
for everyone
your fear for me
your fear of me
i don’t even know what
your fear of me
would be
losing me?
because you’ve already done that
losing us?
well you’ve already done that too

sk

somehow,
somehow you have control over me,
have a way that you are able to make me love you
make me fall back into you
and then every time
leave me
heart
broken
on the ground
ruined
all over again
in this vicious
poem provoking cycle
one that leaves me
with many pages
none of them happy.
all of them
about you.
and how you
ruined me
scratch that
how you
ruin me
very much present tense
very much present

sk
dear (person who will remain nameless),
thank you,
thank you for being
there.
thank you for being
present
thank you for listening
for helping
for not helping
for gypsies
and starwars
and too many cranberry orange muffins
thank you for
childhood
and adulthood
and everything in between.
and everything outside
everything happy
and sad
thank you for
my heart
and soul
and elvis presley
and john prine
thank you
for everything

sk

usually writing helps me think,
i can get away from whatever is going on,
but with you swimming in my brain.
i feel lost.
i can’t get away.

this lake you’re swimming in
in my head
for all the people i’ve loved
you’re the longest to stay
splashing in the waves
running on the shore,
sitting on the dock
talking
telling me your thoughts

out of all of the people
you’ve stayed the longest
i hope you continue to stay
i want it to become your permanent living space,
not just a summer house
where you bring your clothes,
and shoes
and let them stay
i hope you continue to swim
in this lake
in my head
for those who i’ve loved
i hope that you,
out of everyone,
please stay
 

sk

every day when i was little i used to dream of you,
you were prince charming,
and eric
and aladdin
and secretly you were also belle.

i hope i never fail you,
i hope we fight but always make up in the best of ways,
i hope you can make me never stop laughing,
and i hope we grow old together,
i hope our faces will wrinkle together,
and our bones will become more prominent together,
i hope we sit on our front porch and watch cars goes by,
under blankets i’ve crocheted,
with tea held in mugs you’ve made.

i don’t care who you are,
i just know i love you,
and i know it now
and i know i always will.
 

sk

crush
(verb)
to deform, pulverize or force inwards by compressing forcefully

that’s how my body felt every time he walked by
pulverized and compressed.
every inch of my being all of a sudden unable to function,
is this why it is called a crush?
because you literally feel like you are being crushed?

just him, his whole being,
being wonderful,
being kind,
being him.
crushing me
the cold snow on by back as we lay next to each other on the snow,
under the moon,
me seeing shooting stars
him not.
me shivering
him not
me being in love
him
maybe
not.

 

(read he will never know before reading this)
sk

women are beautiful
so therefore his girlfriend is beautiful,
and it is definetly not by default.
she's like a model
or a goddess.
she glows
no wonder he wouldn't love me,
he does call me his sister,
he cannot know the pain that causes me,
it makes my heart hurt and my brain twist,
sister,
i am someone who he could never see himself with,
someone it may as well be illegal for him to be with,
thats how little he loves me. 

 

sk

i am in love,
i am in love with my best friend,
and i have been since the first grade.
he is wonderful
and awful,
and terribly,
amazing.
in first grade he told me,
he promised me,
that he was going to marry me,
and i was stupid enough to believe him.
i was stupid enough to believe a promise made in first grade,
a promise made before we even knew who we were,
i was stupid enough to believe that.
i still am stupid enough to keep believing that,
to keep believing it for the whole eleven years i have known him.
i am in love with my best friend,
and i do not think he will ever know.

 

My mother is a teacher to 7-year-olds.
She brings home stories about their funny thoughts about the world,
whether or not Santa is real,
when they accidentally swear,
and them peeing their pants from excitement.
The other day when she came home,
she didn’t have a funny story.
A man had walked into her school without checking in with the office,
so over the loudspeaker they asked if the
“man without identification could come to the main office."
My mother had students and one of her 7-year-olds looked up at her and asked:
“Is this our shooter?”
This kid is 7 years old.
She looked at him and explained that they didn’t have a shooter.
She finished her story and flopped down on the couch.
I sat down next to her and leaned on her shoulder.
Then I began to think.
Do we all have a school shooter?
The next week we got a threat.
And another threat was made to another school,

sk

when i was younger i used to say oblivion a lot. i would get into a fight with my parents and i would say to myself that i wished i could “fall into oblivion.” i had no idea what it meant but i thought it sounded dramatic so i would say it to myself and then i would fall into bed most likely crying about something frivolous and unimportant.
now the word has a totally different meaning. i don’t say it any more to be dramatic, i say it because sometimes i want to fall into oblivion. just become unconscious of the world around me. be able to float away. i think that i have let myself get hurt by so many people that being unaware has always seemed nice.
for example; right now i am sitting in study hall writing. while the boy who somehow knows how to make my knees quake is sitting across from me, smiling.