Feb 13

beneath the surface - part 1

i passed her everyday,
both heading to homeroom.

her head was down,
like always.

her shirt is wrinkled like she's slept in it
for the past week.

her jeans are a size, if not more, too small,
and i've seen them on her almost everyday.

i think she used to wear makeup,
but it always looked rushed.
and this year she just didn't care, it seemed.

her undereyes were always dark
and her dark eyes foggy,
as if she hadn't slept for days
and was miles away.

and then this year
we were all so stunned when it came around:
that girl was caught with drugs in her bag.

she was always invisible,
on the outside.

she was always silent,
and her presence seemed just a whisper in the wind.

some people would talk about her offhand,
as if she wasn't like anyone else.
less of a person.
others just didn't care.
Jan 30

You are still here

Next to my shadow I see yours,
for a second.
We were here,
this beach,
just one year ago.
Feels like yesterday.

You are still here.

I can hear your laugh as gulls screech above.
You always hated the way your laugh sounded.

I can hear your voice,
calling for me,
in the cold spray throwing itself onto the sand.

I can hear you whisper
carried in the wind that whipped our hair into tangles
and left salty spray on our dry lips.

I can feel you next to me,
huddled, snug in each other's arms,
like we were when the sun was just about to go down,
just barely heating our bare, freckled shoulders
and covering the earth with a soft orange-pink glow.

And as the waves draw back,
pulling soft sand out from under my bare feet,
battered from hours of play we'd have here when we refused to wear shoes,
I can feel you slip away.

But yet,
Jan 29


i remember one time
someone told my friend that carbs were bad,
and asked her why she brought a penut butter and jelly for lunch everyday.
carbs were out for a month, then, for her.

i remember one night
when i cried myself to sleep with each pulse in my head echoing
you need to try harder.
you need to be thinner.

i remember i also cried
after school that one day when my friend asked me
why on earth i brought a salad for lunch if i didn't like salad,
and why i made myself run
when it hurts like hell everytime.

i remember
trying on a bikini in a changing room,
hoping i wouldn't embarrass myself when i'd end up wearing in it.

i remember those days
when everyone around me would be putting themselves down,
those workout and healthy eating videos spreading around the internet,
those hours people would spend in front of the mirror.
Jan 17

try not to stare

there they were, in my public library.
i wasn't quite sure if it was,
but it was later confirmed as i saw them walking with a teacher from my school.
i sucked in my breath as i passed them,
and looked at the ground.
and behind the fiction section,
a clear veiw in between two books,
i tried not to stare.

before it came out,
they were a normal person in my school.
i didn't know them.
i didn't really think much of them,
and by that i really didn't have anything nice to say about them,
or really any reason to judge.

but they had a secret.
one that made me wonder
how on earth all the anger and hatred in our world has come to this.
one that kept the clock ticking in my head,
my eyes on my paper,
but at the same time,
very far away from it.
one that made local newspaper headlines burst.
one that kept us on the edge that whole week and beyond that,
Jan 13

the truth about where i stand

I have always questioned where I stand in school. I don't want to become separated. I don't want to have to hide anything or lie to any friend. I don't want to fall behind in school, and yes, I am a try-hard. But I also really, deep down, care about how I am viewed. Some of my friends now say to ignore the gossip, and that another group of girls are just not worth listening to while they talk behind people's backs. Which is why I pretty much dress like how many other girls my age do, and try to not say the "wrong" thing.

Here, I'm going to be brutally honest.
Jan 13

550 Words (I MAY have gone over...)

The wind plays with your hair and makes you want to swirl and fly along with it.
It’s the time when there’s a certain off-silence in the air, and a steady hum is in your ear,
composed of that unique orchestra of nature.
As the sun sets, the most true, vibrant colors paint the sky
and leak their light across the blanket of green spread below you.
As time wears, the colors fade and the vast space above is dimming to a dark blue,
that beauty almost making you forget what you had come for, what you’ve waited for.
The wind is biting a little bit stronger at your face and bare feet now.
Finally, a burst of tiny flecks illuminate the darkness.
You breathe in deeply, and raise your head to find the answers you’ve been waiting for,
written in the stars.
Jan 13

silent cry

nobody else really knows what happens
when hot tears make my skin blotchy,
when my hands are shaking
and my palms sticky with sweat,
when i'll say it's my stomach or head
that's hurting,
when deep in my eyes pain is churning . . .

but i guess i don't either.

it's the time when you feel everything you've ever known or loved has turned away.
it's the time when your heartbeat echos in your head,
and with every pulse something more familiar and comforting
is pulled away from your desparate grasp.
it's the time when you want the screams inside to come out,
when you want your cries to be heard
and when you want this wicked hurricane inside to be tamed.

but something drags them back within you,
making them boil and churn inside with so much more force.
making those tears flow heavier,
your ragged breaths more desperate,
and your eyes glassed over with this agony and betrayal.
Dec 20

it's the kind of thing that could never happen to you (11:59)

Editor's Note: This poem and the following piece, "What Almost Happened" were written in response to a thwarted school shooting in Middlebury this week (Addison Independent story). 

the word came as a message from our superintendent
then of course all the rumors and opinions came
and they all came down at once
and my head couldn't take all of the jumbled whispers
words that we were supposed to take as
"don't freak out"
and questions from everyone.

"omg, i like, said bye to all my friends this morning,"
she said laughing.
"i am like so scared"

but the police were there
so of course we were all safe
or so they said.

that was the time.
we all knew it.
we all held our breath as we watched the clock.
Nov 12

I've never seen death

i've never before seen death.

i've never heard a gunshot
and see a body fall to the floor.

i've never seen blood spill from within and soak the shirt of the victim
who will now draw their last breaths.

i've never seen a body in a casket,
and heave heavy sobs as i clutch the cold,
lifeless hand of a friend or family member.

i've never felt the deep hole in my chest,
throbbing with every heartbeat that had been taken away.

and i've never felt that pain,
deep ache
of the longing for a life to have been spared.

i don't know what people experience
when they see glass shadder and a classmate bleeding and motionless
on the floor.
i don't know how it feels
to have someone loved ripped away from the world.

yes, i haven't seen death.
i wish i never would,
but i know that it will happen.

tell me
what is it like?
Oct 02

The Confusing and Unreasonable Logic of Homework

I don't understand the logic of homework. Here are the reasons why: (please bear with me)
  1. We work for just about 6 hours at school, for those of us in elementary school, middle school, and most high schools. If we work for this long, is it necessary to go home just to return to what we should have been doing for the whole day? Yes, we do want time to practice, but classes are meant for not only teaching, but practicing this new skill as well. If you don't have enough time to actually do work and practice skills in school, and just listen to a teacher drone on for the whole period, something is wrong.
  2. Much of my time now is taken up with homework. The amount of homework that is given on a regular basis is too much. If having homework at all was a problem, now try four or five hours a night. This all leads to stress and even falling behind in school. Sometimes I suffer from stress, and that makes me irritable, frazzled, and super worried about even the randomest things.