Mar 13

We Live In


We live in a society where people would rather suffer through life-threatening injuries than go to the emergency room because they would not be able to afford the cost of care.
We live in a country where the rich are more valued than the common people.
We live in a time where nothing is more important than money.
We live in a system where if you don't consume you are worthless.
We live in an economy where small businesses and family-owned establishments are repeatedly squashed under big cooperation's heels.
We live under a government that are puppets for larger chains and more profitable names.
The way we live now is that only the very fortunate get health care that can actually support them and their families. The things that some people believe are from propaganda in order to keep health care out of our reach.
Jan 30

Farm

It's been in my family a while, that farm. Old and rickety, falling apart and rotting away. Still in use by my aunt and uncle, however. 
I hate that farm.
It started pretty normally, just some normal paranoia as a side effect from my anxiety medication. Just a coincidence it kicked up at the farm. Well, I thought at least.
Then I started hearing things. Voices, footsteps following my own. Thought I was imagining things. Hoped I was as well.
Then I saw it for the first time.
A shadow at the end of the barn, running away from me. I thought it was a family member. I was playing hide-and-seek after all. So, of course, I ran after it. I got to the opposite end of the barn.
Nothing. No footprints, no disturbed dust, not a sign of a person being there. 
Then I panicked as a twelve-year-old would. Running as fast as my legs can move back to my dad.
Jan 29

ShapeShifter

The embodiment of a wolf in sheep's clothing, aren't you?
An innocent puppy turns to a sinister fox. 
And back again.
Cat and mouse, you and I.
You could be the nicest person.
Or the cruelest human alive.
You were a cat to me.
A dog to him.
A crow to her.
So many different forms, but only one truly yours.
You hide it from us, but the truth comes back doesn't it?
A fierce snake, your venom poisonous.
But not always deadly. 
You bite often.
But not always deeply.
You seldom lose your prey.
But you lost me.
 
Jan 29

Steps

Rules are meant to be broken; lines are meant to be crossed.
Stepping across a line is crossing the rubicon. The die is cast.
I have stepped across a few too many, the die rolling snake eyes.
I stepped across the line into dangerous waters more than I'd like to admit.
Sometimes that line leads to a meadow in full bloom, the trees are fruitful.
Sometimes I'm pushed over the line, tripping and falling.
The line always blocks something, crossing one is like one door opening and another closing.
 
Nov 08

welcome back.

Nov 08

To The One(s)

To the ones who feel like family, who helped keep me on track. 

To the ones who feel like parents.

To the one who feels like a grandmother.

To the ones who kept me out of trouble.

To the ones who feel like siblings.

To the ones who feel like aunts and uncles.

To the one who helped me through my darkest time.

To the one I can always laugh with.

 
Nov 08

The Steps

That moment a child sees their parents cry, they realize something. The world isn’t everything they thought it was. 

That is around six or seven. Say twelve, is when it gets real.

Your mom is broken. She can’t stop crying. She can’t be the adult.

There is no adult.

There is an adult.

You step up, you take the role of the adult.

Step one:

Take care of everyone.

Mom’s eating? Check.

Sister’s under control? Check.

Your needs are taken care of?



That can wait.

Step two:

Pretend.

Pretend everything is okay.

Smile, talk, laugh, repeat.

Keep doing that.

Don’t let anybody in.

Have your excuses ready.

You’re just tired.

You just had health class.

One of your favorite characters got hurt.

Don’t let them know.

Step three:
Nov 08

Dear Mom,

January, 2018

Dear Mom,

I’m sorry I’m not perfect.

I’m sorry I’m not the daughter you wanted.

I’m sorry I’m not cis, straight, feminine, pretty, or anything all the other girls are.

I’m sorry I’m not strong, sporty, stupid, social, popular, or anything all the other guys are.

I’m pan, ace, fluid, smart, queer, nerdy, geeky, dorky, and a mess. 

I remember the day you came into my room.

“Maddie, are you this?” 

Your face is in a look of disgust as you hold up that T-shirt.

That T-shirt,

My T-shirt.

It shows an intersex symbol of the front and reads “Question Gender” on the back.

I can’t respond.

You get it out of me eventually, then rant.

“It’s not cool to be this!”

“It’s going to make your life hell!”

I’m forced to sit and listen to you yell.

I only understand one thing from it.
Nov 08

Shout

Look at me, tell me what you see

A broken shell, nothing left to tell

Leave me here, steer clear

Stay away, keep at bay
I can’t scream, I can’t shout

I can’t let it out

I can’t let you know how I feel, even though the pain is real

I can’t mutter, I can’t cry

All I can do is sit and die
I’m alone, you’re not here

I never was good enough, was I dear?

Made you feel what was real

Hurt, hate, nothing is safe
I can’t scream, I can’t shout

I can’t let it out

I can’t let you know how I feel, even though the pain is real

I can’t mutter, I can’t cry

All I can do is sit and die
All the hurt, all the hate.

Seeping deep into my grave

I can’t feel, nothing’s real

Until you open up my seal
Let me scream, let me shout

Let me get it all out
Oct 09

My Song

Don't you dare try to tell me
"It's all my fault," to get my sympathy.
Don't you dare turn around and tell everyone "she's just crazy"
That "she broke me"
Like you did nothing 
Nothing to me.
You threw me in the dirt. 
Stabbed me in the back while you promised you'd watch it.
You stepped on me, threw me, kicked me, left me to die when you were done.
You did your best to cover your tracks:
Deleted the texts,
Splattered my name over everything wrong you did,
Twisted the tale.
You were the victim and I was the aggressor.
I did everything.
It's time to sing my truth in the only way I can.
I can tell you everyone who warned me.
I can tell you everyone's name you ruined.
I can tell the world.
But I won't.
I will tell the tale once.
I won't say your name, I'll never say it again. 
I can say that you took my voice from me.
I can say you hit me more than once.

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