Sep 21

in the town i don't belong to anymore

we have Glover Day. i am sitting in a hard plastic chair listening to the only new young person who has moved here in my 19 years. the locals have aged in a way that breaks my trust in youth, my own and theirs. Kyle the new young person is playing guitar and wearing a snazzy jacket, and everyone loves him because he came instead of leaving.
 
sometimes i think about buying my mother's house so that she can run away from this town that is so static until the moment you leave it.
 
when i was young in this town everything was reliable. the cows gave birth at the same time every year and nobody dared die because they knew i was there to see it all.
 
now i left and came back and i find:
 
- my favorite horse dead and i don't know where to find her buried
- old ladies who had previously dyed hair are graying unabashedly
- Kyle the new guitar player from Kentucky - how did he settle on this particular town?
Nov 13

11/03/18

in my mind, your eyes, warm, when they settle on my face. gentle warm, not like the burns i feel in reality, when you look at me. i am burnt from being wanted.
 
in reality you are window shopping and i am another mannequin, bent into an accentuating posture, muffled by streaky glass. in my mind you read my lips with such dedication that the glass is irrelevant.
 
i think in your mind you are cracking the glass without my noticing, and removing me from the little home i have, and decorating your living room with me. speaking to me only when you have guests.
 
in my mind you touch me and it doesn't
feel like being stolen from myself.

 
Nov 13

11/07/18

i melted Moon on my tongue
to enlighten my insides.
she dribbled down, where a hundred lies hung
i melted Moon on my tongue.
she collected herself in my lungs
evicting secrets from where they reside.
i melted Moon on my tongue
to enlighten my insides.


hi ywp it's been forever, I miss & love y'all!! 
Oct 10

this is not what trains are for

this life gone, leaf falls and another leaf
falls and they scatter across the pavement,
rustling like all the pairs of eyelids and all the
whispered memorials that burden the wind

i grow older and death begins to stroke my hair -
every time it's closer to my heart and every time
it feels less foreign - the concept of feeling heavy
was theoretical when i was small

i make a mistake, i try to imagine why:
i am reminded of when i wanted to know what it felt like to feel nothing.
here are all of the imaginings that i abandoned -
all it took was a train
Sep 06

pride

i long to be the answer to questions of beauty and serenity –
but i answer only to caves and the bats that inhabit them. if nobody
ever knew this, i would be comfortable with reality – the problem
is when someone looks into my eyes and won’t let go,
the problem is when i am forced to acknowledge the weight
that i carry, the weight that i transfer to the spine of the world,
the weight that falls into the laps of inquisitive Innocents when
they think they are being kind
 
the problem is when i see the end of the bridge
over the chasm
falling away into nothing, and i’m too proud to turn around.

 
Sep 06

the first one

i can’t decide if the anger or the gentleness is the mask –
something is hiding behind this sweet face of yours
but i couldn’t even peel back the wallpaper to get to the wall,
it’s a lot of work, this masonry you maintain just to keep me
out. maybe if you’d remembered a chimney
you wouldn’t be so stuffy inside 

 
Mar 11

emptyful

the can is half gone, having been abandoned by the tongue it once stung with its bubbling. lazy and flat, useless but he can't let go, can't waste it in case his water supply is depleted in some imaginary uncertain future. half of a seltzer is an insurance policy for his mind. easier to let the fridge naturally run out of space for useful things than to be responsible for tossing something with clinging potential. loss aversion protects the cans place at the back of the fridge, human bias keeps it hostage, evaporating a little more every time he stands with the door open in indecision. it's nothing more than water – the carbonated energy was its signifigance – his fullness is empty and he is alone
Jan 18

empathy

empathy is a peach covered in fuzz, if you close your eyes
you think it could be a baby's head, newly introduced to the air. 

what i would like to do with that peach is peel it, slice it, and can it.
seal the top by putting the jar in boiling water and then leave it in the basement
with the dying/dead mice and the dying/dead spiders until someone
who has never eaten canned peaches finds it and tries it and is stuck with it forever
while i consider only my own interests and desires unencumbered by guilt
Jan 09

trying to find myself

1. little wrinkled grandmother holds out a bowl of candies – she thinks everyone loves almond joys as much as she does so the bowl is a sea of bright blue wrappers – i sustain hope that i will find a kit kat at the bottom if i just rustle them around a bit more

2. my computer is an old model – to ensure the most profit the company issues only the newest chargers for the newest models – my cat chewed through my old model charger 

3. i buried a bird that was once full of energy and life with my bare hands when i was 12 – i don't remember which side of the raspberries it was on – i forgot to mark its grave 

4. i've been given the key for an old hotel room on the 13th floor – we're in superstitious america – there is no 13th floor

5. spiders live in the corners of my room – i keep a roster but sometimes one crawls away and i don't know where they are – not being able to find them is far more terrifying than having them hang over my head
Dec 05

achieving balance is the most important thing

girl wears black lacy tights with droopy boots,
tongues licking the sidewalk with each step she takes.
our eyes are positive and negative, an electrical current strung
between them and on top of it a tight-rope walker trying to
balance on a moving wire that isn't really there,
electrical current produces a magnetic field and things are
smashing into the balancing artist, all heavy metal and
grungy eye-liner hitting the figure, mascara running down her face
as fast as i am running away from this girl but we are
coheads of the same body and our only member is a balancing artist
who doesn't know what she's doing

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