Oct 30

boy of leaves

i've spoken 
to a thousand people 
all so very different 
yet they each can clearly see him
and they each tell me the same thing:

he comes and goes.

he stays for a while 
but vanishes for longer 

he is the bright green leaves on trees
which grow and flutter strongly on branches 
but change colors
and while everyone admires them,
those leaves always fall away
into the breeze
eventually 

he comes and goes. 

anyone who knows 
anything at all 
about him
knows

he comes and goes.
 
Oct 15

8:26

I cut through my spiraling, twisting, coalescing thoughts by turning my attention to my phone.
I press the small button to wake it up.
I look at the time.

8:26.

I turn again, this time away from my phone, and the thoughts come back.
Foggy, confused, uncontrollable.
I think about every action I took today
And how I could have done things differently
Said things in other ways
Left people alone for certain amounts of times.
It feels like I could think about every single thing I did for hours and hours and get no answers,
No conclusions.

I’d have to do something else.

I fumble around with small objects
I tidy the space around me
I shift a glass just a little to the right
I glance at my phone.
I hit the small button, and the phone lights up.
I see the time.

8:26.

Huh.

I pick up my phone and text the person I need answers from.
Oct 02

Fog

She turned to the window.

It was fogged, she was unable to see past.

She looked closely and could see her reflection.

She could see the room behind her.

And she could see you.

You were behind her.

She couldn't look forward.

The fog wasn’t going away.

She could only see you.

 
Sep 18

I Don't Understand

“I don't understand.”

Is what he said to me, as I let myself say everything I felt the need to say, everything that I had bottled up for so long.

That’s what everyone says.

And he didn't understand.

He couldn’t.

Was it the way I paused? The way I still couldn’t let myself give in to showing every emotion, every colorful thought that crossed my mind?

Was it because he didn’t want to believe it?

Did he know what I meant?

Did he know why I decided to open up to him in a time that had no need for such things?

“I don’t understand.”

Is what he said to me.

I tried and tried, again and again, after hardly healed from my past mistakes, I had to make myself explain. I had to give my reasons. Or else they’d think I didn’t care.

Was I speaking in a way that made my words seem unclear?
May 15

Headstorm

Headstorm

there's a storm in my head

it's made
of worries

everything worries me
my work
it worries me
my responsibilities 
they worry me
my future
it worries me

between classes
up stairs, down ramps
passing through crowds
avoiding those who judge 
trying just to make it through the day

and yet, even when I make it...

i close my eyes and i see lightning

lightning

after every heartbeat

pounding, flashing

in sync

i hear the high pitched ringing in my ears

when will it go away?

the storm
my fears
my worries
my aches

there's a storm in my head.