Dec 06

Meaning

If I looked into a mirror right now what would I see?
I would see a sad, lonely face.
Staring at me with a glare that projects hate,
But means sorrow.
If I let words pour out of my mouth right now what would I say?
I might tell you a story, or a lie.
But it wouldn't matter because you wouldn't listen anyway.
If I went outside the rain would stream down my face,
Mixed with tears.
And this doesn't need to mean anything,
So don't try to make it have a meaning,
Because that's not the point.
Nov 29

Envy

How hard is it to be happy for someone and only feel the happiness?
Impossible.
For me, at least.
I have never lived a moment in my life where that four letter word of death doesn't haunt me. 
ENVY.
It screams out my name, 
Calling to be answered,
And every time,
I respond.
"I'm really happy that you got the part you wanted in the musical! That's so awesome!"
That's what I'm saying.
But inside is a whiplash of sad cries and anger and judgement because it's not me.
It's my own fault for not trying out,
But still I hate and sulk and it's unstopable because it's bigger then my emotional being,
It's my aura.
It's my life and my fears and my laughter and my tears.
It's all envy.
And how do I stop?
How do I just say something and not feel this?
I can't.
I've given up,
Caved in,
And somehow it's fine.
Because I'm used to it now. 

Nov 27

You Care

You care about me. 
You want to protect me.
You keep the flying missels of judgement and all things insulting off my back,
Giving your own back to save mine.
Your so selfless,
You care.
Now I'm over here,
On the other side of it all,
Worrying about my status and how badly messed up my hair is at the momment and all that crap.
But I didn't notice you. 
But over the years,
You slip into my group,
Slide out agian,
Slip back in.
Always the quiet,
Ever wise girl on the side.
But you still don't catch my attention.
Lately I can tell you've been trying to impress me.
Saying things that you normally wouldn't say.
You don't care as much as you used to about rules.
I Notice you.
I realize that I have always noticed you, 
Noticed you caring.
And now I feel bad.
Becasue I always take the spotlight and I never leave you any room to share it.
I've always been like that. 
Nov 17

Reverse

He talks to her
"I like you I think."
She says
"You think?"
He thinks
Not going the right way.
Reverse time please,
Start over.
She says (while reading his mind)
"You don't have to reverse time, You just have to-"
And the word hangs in the air even though nobody said it.
RE- VERSE.
She says
"This doesn't have to be scripted,
All you have to do is re- verse"
He says
"I get it now. Okay this is free verse."
He continues
"I love you a lot, but it's hard to say.
I don't know how to love,
But all the same,
This is my free verse,
And I know I love you."
Her response
"That's quite a lot that you just spilled.
I think your hot and I know that you do know love cause you love me.
All you need to do is let go,
Let your words spill free."
He says
"If the're free there will be a lot that I don't want every one to know."
She says
Nov 17

Drama and a Wisp of Smoke

He puts me down again and agian,
But I don't do anything about it.
My other friends tell him off,
But I tell them it doesn't really matter.
But it obviously does matter.
And it's breaking me,
But I don't do anything.
I'm like a wisp of smoke,
Going unoticed and going where I want.
But not doing anything.
And my friends defend me (the wisp of smoke)
But it's a lost cause and I don't know why.
I just know it is.
If life was a page I could write everything right and make it all the way I want it to be.
But that world would be so off from reality that no one would want to live there.
So instead I sit at this computer,
Making all you people listen to my drama.
But it feels good, so please deal with it. 
 
Nov 04

And Then It Was Misty

It took me a year to even get him to not hate me.

And that year was full of hard decisions.

Every argument he had with anybody,

If I chose the wrong person to side with,

All that work would go down the drain.

So this year I told him.

“I like you.”

His response.

“Oh-oh.”

Sarcastically and everything.

It was hard.

But whatever.

Not.

I tried to let it go but every time I would try I would see his eyes, see all the times he was nice to me.

And I just couldn’t let it go.

But I thought we could at least be friends.

But he started to say things.

I pretended didn’t hurt but in reality they shook my whole world.

I started to like his friend,

He’s nice to me.

So I’m discussing it with the first guy and I am telling him that I think his friend likes me.
Nov 04

Alone

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

It’s my heartbeat,

Over and over again.

In the silence that hides in the corners and hiding places in my heart,

Alone.

Alone.

Alone.

It’s like a footstep,

And I can’t stop that footstep,

I am attached to it.

It is dragging me,

Pulling me,

And I don’t have a choice.

And suddenly the beat gets quicker,

Alone Alone Alone.

And suddenly the beat get’s louder,

ALONE ALONE ALONE. ALONEALONEALONE.

The sky is cloudy and I am turning away from it.

A-lone, A-lone, A-lone……..

A-……… gone
 
Nov 04

The Three Of Us

The best two days of my life.

My bestie and my favorite little cousin.

The three of us.

“I could live like this,” I say.

“Me too,” they both say.

It could just us for eternity.

All three of us want to be each other’s sisters,

I’d be the oldest, closely followed by my bestie, my little cousin being a few years younger than us.

But it’s okay that she’s younger,

The love I feel around me is so ridiculously powerful I can hardly breathe.

I laugh more than I ever have,

Watching them bat balloons back and forth.

For once I have enough people to play the board games I like,

We hang out from dawn to dusk.

A little bit after dinner, mom takes Little One to read stories and go to bed.

Then, me and my bestie watch youtube videos until the morning hours,
Oct 27

Winter


Winter,
Comfort cold,
The kind that makes you wear cosy sweaters.
Crackling, poping fires,
Snow in bowls.
Red and green everywhere,
Hats covering hair.
Friends laughing,
Giving gifts.
Icy window panes,
Cold to the touch.
Three foot long icicles.
Cinnamon and snickerdoodle cookies.
Warm hearts,
Bright eyes,
Crackling like every warm thing you can think of.
Children believing.
This isn't so bad after all.
Oct 21

When I was young

When I was young,
Snow didn't fall,
And I fell down when the wind blew.
When I was young,
Nothing was complicated,
It was a world of yes or no,
No in between answers that make people frustrated or confused,
It was all simple.
And then even if we were mad,
We couldn't stay mad for long.
It was a blocked and censored life in the best way.
But then drama insued and we moved and moved.
And moved and moved and moved.
And then everything was fine agian. 
But things were changing,
And I started to realize how much trouble existed in the world.
And things were sad.
But it was still okay because I was young and so everything was fine.

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