In the span of two months, 
I lost 4 people.

In late May, the love of my life passed away.
He is my world, 
My everything.
My other half.
The only person who knows every piece of me-
The good, and the bad.
He is the only person who knows all of my past.
He is the only person who accepts me for who I am.
He is the only person who has seen the real me,
And not run away.
He not only accepts me, but he loves me. 
Truly loves me.
Just as I love him.
He is my world, my everything,
Just as I am his.
The day that I join you couldn't come too soon.

In June, I lost 3 people.
The first being my best friend.
So many laughs and inside jokes,
Serious moments,
And not-so-serious ones.
All of them memories I will carry for the remainder of my life.
I hope I was as good a friend to you as you were to me.
I'm sorry for ending it this way,

She was my friend.
The truest of true.
She didn't care if I was nervous
and had problems that other kids didn't.
She was my friend, when I had none.

She didn't care when I cried.
She was my friend, and she didn't shun.
She didn't care when I vented.
She didn't care if I was quiet, or loud.
She was my friend, and that's said and done.

I never meant to push her away.
I never meant to cause her pain.
I never meant to betray her trust.
I never meant to stir up the dust.

She was my friend,
and now....
She's gone.
 

I thought I knew who I was.
I thought I knew where I stood.
I thought I knew who my true friends were.
I thought I knew right from wrong.
I thought I knew who the liars were.

I thought I knew.
But I know nothing at all.

I thought I knew who I was.
I don’t who I am now.
I thought I knew where I stood.
I don’t know where I am anymore.
I thought I knew who my true friends were.
I’m not sure who they are, where they are.

I thought I knew right from wrong.
I thought I knew black from white but the line’s all blurred.
I thought I knew who the liars were- the fakes.
I don’t know if lies are all they speak, the ones closest to me.

I thought I knew.
But I know nothing at all.

I’ve lost a part of myself.
I’ve lost a part of my identity.
The ground where I stood,
the mountains that I’d climbed,
shook and crumbled under my feet.

Unlucky.
That is what I am.
For instance,
Today,
I tripped and fell into the road.
Almost got hit by a truck,
fell into some really disgusting muck.
My homework ruined.
Brand new jeans ripped.
The teachers roll their eyes.
"Your such a clutz," they say,
sighing as yet again,
I hold in front of me,
another assignment ruined,
illegible, unrecognizable,
looking as if it has already started to decay.
I get off the bus,
walk to my house.
Open the door,
steeling myself for more sighs.
She's at the counter,
I step quietly on the squeaky floor,
maybe I can sneak, unnoticed, up to my room.
"What did you do?!"
I give her an apologetic smile as I take off my shoes.
"I tripped and fell into the road."
"Goodness, child! How long much longer can this go?"
A question asked not to me, but to herself.
Yet, I say,
"I'm sorry Mom. But I don't know."

Digest me,
like I digest you.

Feed me,
like I feed you.

Love me,
like I don't love you.

Because I need it.
I need your love.
But you're a laceless pinkness on my bones.
Soft like a peach
but rotting over time.
Wrinkled, flabby, wasted.

I dont want you.
But I need you.
And you need me to be colored in,
to be designed in the shape of my mind.
But I cant change you that much.
Your ignorance is too powerful.

Dear Alaina,

You used to be the happiest soul
anyone ever met.
What happened?

You are now an emotional wreck.

You have so many people
who love and care about you,
but you do not love nor care about 
yourself in the slightest.

And you feel alone. So alone.

Even in your happiest moments,
your insecurities and fears
hang over your shoulder.

But you know what?
Life is hard and its only going to get harder.
You've been through worse.
You've suffered more pain than most.
And guess what?
You have survived.
Are you seriously going to let all this
drag you down?
I think not.

You need to get a grip on yourself.



 

If you don't come back,
I don't know what I'll do.
My broken but healing heart
will once again split apart,
breaking in pieces more than two.
My eyes will shed a never ending
flow of tears.
The pain of not knowing where you are
is ripping me to shreds.
If you don't come back,
we'll never see each other again,
and if I never see you again,
certain pieces of my heart and my mind
are fated to die.

Maybe I'm overreacting.
Maybe I'm worrying for no reason.
I can't stand to lose another person
who means as much to me as you do.
So until the day when you either
do or don't return,
these sad, and worried thoughts
will continue to occupy my brain.
 And my eyes, unable to hide the pain and fix the dam,
will let the tears fall freely,
giving onlookers a glimpse of what is tearing me apart inside.

I am not one to cry.

Sitting next to you in the bus.
She's on the inside,
you're on the outside.
It reminds her of all those good times.

You're talking to the others,
your back to her.
Laughing with them,
taking selfies,
doing things that she will never,
and could never do.
She thinks about this,
fiddling with the bracelet on her wrist.
'Its not your fault everyone likes you.
Its not your fault no one likes me.
Its not your fault that eventually, you too will abandon me'

Looking out the window,
the first snow of the season covers the ground.
The sight fills her with longing
as memories of last winter 
flood her head.
Each one is like a knife slicing through her heart,
reopening wounds she tried so hard 
to close.

She feels the tears start to build
but she holds them at bay.
After all, there is no point in wishing

Some eyes are the color of faded denim,
some are shades of the sky on a clear summer day.
Some eyes are the color of the ocean during a storm,
some are the color of an old Ford pickup sitting in an old man's yard.
Some eyes are the color of a winter sky combined with budding spring leaves.
And some eyes are the color of a bluebird's out spread wings.
But your eyes are a shade of blue so pure and raw like an uncut diamond,
no words will ever be able to capture their beauty.