May 19

I used to dream in color

I used to see and dream in color 
before all the days seemed to blend together 
before staying awake became a chore 
and trying to sleep became a war 
between my irrational thoughts 
and the black and green clock 
on my nightstand
I would make up worlds and stories and plans in my mind
a fantasy of leaves and trees and people I thought would never leave me behind 
now all that's left is a shadow of what I used to be 
dark replaced my worlds of brilliant hues once filled with life though I was still the same to some degree 
I still spent hours and days on plans but this time instead of plans of friends and family and fun
they were plans of escape and survival and trying to figure out when and where to run
you see, I used to see and dream in color
now I am lucky to have the world in black and white as I try to get through another 
May 11

Dear DJT

how did this happen?
can you look me in the eyes 
can you look ANYONE in the eyes 
and say you are truly proud? 

the answer 
should be no 
you should not be proud 
you have no right to be 

if you can still be proud while people are dying
while people are suffering 
while people are being murdered for the color of their skin 
the pronouns they use 
the clothes they wear 

then you have never been shown anything to be proud of
you have never been shown what leadership is  
what accountability is 

because it is NOT a twitter account 
it is NOT sexualizing your child 
it is NOT treating people as less than because they don't conform to your idea of society 

accountability can not happen while this is happening 
because as long as these things, 
the awful tweets, the sexualizing, the discrimination 
Apr 06

because you pretend

i hate you 
i hate your perfect style 
your perfect hair
your perfect body 
your perfect life 

i hate how easily you do things
i hate how much people love you 
i hate how much you say you love everyone else 

i hate that i love you 
i hate that you got me attached to you 
i hate that i need to feel validated by you 

perfect eyes 
perfect art 
perfect human

it makes me sick
you make me sick
because of what i did

what did i do 
unfixable 
unforgivable 


     hate 
               you  

because you pretend to love me
Mar 08

ashes

she watches as the ashes fall 
sinking 
slowly 
into the earth where they will lay 
and slowly fade as all things do 
engulfed by time and age 
by hope 
and loss 
just as she watches the river of scarlet 
flow from hand made valleys 
its warmth a comforting danger
there is no one to watch 
as she
sinks 
slowly 
into the earth where she will lay 
and fade away as all things do 
and she watches as the ashes fall
 
Feb 25

capsules of happiness

take one in the day 
keep the bad thoughts away 

so they say 

too many one morning 
they ignored all the warnings

a way of reforming 

feathers fall to the ground 
make sure no one's around 

thoughts by which we are bound 

no escape from the chains 
feel it rip through your veins 

put an end to the games  

bring light to the darkness 
and darkness to light

only lose the battle
after 
winning the fight
Feb 04

addiction

I know this routine 
Whether you do 
Or not 

I know what to do 
What to say 
How to act 

To keep you safe 
Others safe 
Myself safe 

I know when to redirect 
How to redirect 
How do distract 

I know usually if you're in your room
You're safe 
You're alive 

Until you're in the kitchen
Or the living room 
Or downtown 

Until you have a knife 
Or get angry 
Or get sad 

I know you'll be okay 
And I'll be okay 
As long as I watch you  

As long as you're safe




 
Feb 04

promises

I have made a promise 

A promise without thinking 

That I don’t know if I can keep 
It is such an empty word 

Promise  

I hate it 

I hate it 
It is a lying word 

To make things better 

It makes everything better 
Until it doesn’t

Until it makes it worse 

A promise 

Fixes things  

Until it breaks them 
I’m so sorry that I made that promise to you 

And your sister 

I can’t take it back  

I don’t want to hurt you  
So I’m trying 

I’m trying so hard not to break my promises

 
Oct 08

Song Bird

There is a bird atop a tree 

Who sings a haunting melody 

Feathers missing, head hung low 

A desperate, broken metronome 

Longing to fly free above 

Yearning to be like the dove 

But even hard as he may try 

His wings will never learn to fly 

For tethered by his ghostly bars 

Only he can see his scars 

Hostage to invisible chains 

He can only sit in pain  

So he sits atop a tree 

And sings his haunting melody
 
Sep 18

little devil

Aug 27

Im sorry

Somebody died 

Somebody’s dead 

I’m sorry 

Why?

Why are you sorry  

Is it because you could have done something 

Is it because you could have stopped it 

Is it because it’s your fault 

Are you sorry because no matter how upset you are, I am one hundred times more broken 

Are you sorry because it is expected for us to say that 

Or are you sorry because even if you have the most empathy in the world, you are so glad it wasn’t your sibling, your parent, your child 

I’m sorry 

Those words are so meaningless 

I’m sorry 

Those words are so guilty 

I’m sorry 

Those words apologize for something that can not be changed or fixed

I’m sorry 

Those words give responsibility to someone who did nothing wrong 

I’m sorry 

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