I never knew why she couldn't tell me she loved me
I was a good daughter
I made her breakfast in bed
I kissed her flushed cheeks when she was ill and droopy
I danced for her in the living room and down the street and through the water
I breathed to make her happy
I told her I loved her a million times a day, and she would smile
She told me it back
But never truthfully
"Do you love me mom?" "Don't be ridiculous, of course."
Or
You look so pretty today with your teeth brushed!
Or
I loved your poem last night
But never I 
Love you
Alone
And the worst part is I can't leave
Because I love her

Today
Is my mother's birthday
She shouldn't have to buy herself a cheap, box-mix birthday cake
If I could plan it all
If the family were together enough to plan it all
I know exactly what I would do
First, wake her up with breakfast in bed
And roses, daisies, daffodills, lillies, zinnias, chrisanthimums, all the flowers for the fairy queen
Eggs, toast, bacon, butter
Bacon bacon bacon bacon
And she could eat all she wanted and feel pretty, inside and out
It's magic bacon
She wouldn't have to walk
My mother only floats on her birthday
Tumbled up by the wind like samarah seeds
No one would fight for a day
Just a day, it seems like so little to ask for
Apparently its's not
We would roll to school, and she would stay at home
Bang the gavel at work like she is so apt to do
Wrap every loose end up in a tidy bow
At 2, a deliveryman is at the door

I didn't glance at him
Well maybe I did
But only once
Only once.
And then a few more onces
He was taller than me
They're not usually taller than me
That was intruiging
He smiled at me
I smiled back
We both blushed and blustered
I turned to the wall in front of me
Fully attentive to the paper towels
How, then, could I have caught his eyes on my profile
And while he was grabbing yogurt, how did he catch my eyes
On his smile
He left, of course
But he filled my heart with bubbles and cake
And butterflies
For a day
Maybe it's fate
A strange coincidence
Or maybe it's just the air in Hannafords


 

Blue is when you turn on the television
To see a monster sitting at the oval office desk
Blue is when the radio sings
Exploding with the blood of fallen rebels
Blue is when father cries at the dinner table 
Late at night
Because his daughter hasn't smiled in weeks
Blue is when the relaxing bath turns into convulsions and gagging and wiping furiously
Looking at the list of your shampoo ingredients
Chock full of shark gills, and pig bones, and death
Blue is the fact that the child I watch has never known
A world where we can look up
Just a little bit
To our leader
Blue is looking down at my legs and feet and hands
And thinking about how they have never been granted a part
In creating this country
Just because my chromozones were different
Blue is the feeling I feel when I spy a flag
All of a sudden, I see
Just how blue the world is

The world whirls steadily
I revolve rapidly
The brooks will always be gossips, babbling behind your back
While you will never know what I wouldn't whisper into wishy-washy waves
The river will always meander, moseying madly, making amends with it's mother
I tap and trip and tumble along at terrifically differing tempos
The willow will weep waxy wishes that wilt and wither away 
I cry, crazy curses down at mother creator, calm and collected a few minutes later
The bees will always buzz, baby
Buds will always bloom, bushels of bluebells bursting brightly
But I,
You never know what I will do next




 

She is blind
And refuses to wear glasses
Which wouldn't be a problem
If she didn't insist on driving

They have come and gone
As frequent and relentless as the tides
As I have grown
Sssstutters
Tic tic tic tics
DON'T SAY IT YET
3 
2
1
Compulsions
(There's someone behind you)
Intrusive thoughts
. . . 
A lack of emotion.
And though they have surged in, lapped around
And then rolled out
Wishy-washy like waves
The water leaves splotches on sand

 
 

Silent letters
No louder than the thunk of a spoon in alphabet soup
There are lots of silent letters
Lov(e), (K)night, H(e)art
Those are the ones that are obvious
That you learn about as a child, just letters that don't make sounds
An equation with an invisible integer
What some people don't know is 
You can have silent words
Words that sound like how they look
But have a trail of implications moseying behind them
Like
Fine(I'mnotokhelpme)
Mis(sIloveyousomuchbutdon'tknowhowtosayit)
Sic(kbutnotinmystomach,there'sjustsomethingwrongwithme)
You don't have to be aware to pick up on the silent letters
But if you really cared
You'd read into my silent words
 

I revel in the chaos
Breathe it in and let it infect me
Drift onto my skin
Dive into my bones
Leech into clumps of arteries, bleeding ink blood
I sit on my throne of twisted words and hollow promises
Smiling
Smiling wider and harder than I have since Before
My teeth are pearly, lips vermilion, tongue blood red
I roll in ecstasy around in the bedlam
Like a pig frolics in mud
The shattered crowns of people she used to know
Sits firmly askew my shining scalp
And my dress is corseted too tight and I can barely breathe
And everything I've ever known is ruined
And my plans have been smashed into dust
And that dust has been scorched and scorned into ash
And I've never felt better
 

I've been left out of things my whole life
One of the reasons I like to push, I'm bossy and opinionated
But it hurts hard to be left out
Like a child's mittens the night before a snowstorm
Strewn across a frozen lawn, locked on the other side of something beautiful
That "should" bring me joy
I get being picked last for sports
I'm slow
I comprehend me being a bad pick for projects
I'm loud
I understand why my friends don't last
I'm a lot
But what I don't understand
Is why, for two whole months
I have to be left out of everything
Even worse, you try to console me
Here, take this bargain bin holiday
It's not as important as others for your religion
But we, as a society, can't bother to learn about anything that's not convenient
So we'll pick and choose what holidays to acknowledge
I don't want to accept that
It still kind of sucks