lost 
in the foggy mess 
of growing up 
and becoming a person 
who can be strong
and loving
and kind

i am lost
in this ever changing world 
and i love it.
for i have found 
that sometimes
you have to loose your way 
to find a new one. 
 

one year older
still lost in your eyes
caught among the stars over my head
dreaming in the sunlight
being myself as much as i can
trying to free what's stuck inside
pushed down by the fear
and the assumptions of others
but slowly 
letting my colors
soak the page of who i am 
for others to see
the words pouring from me all in one big rush 
the weight lifting from my shoulders
the fear leaving my stomach
with my growing independance
i will be more honest
as to be more free
for one year older
and so many changes
so many words to describe my life
so many colors to paint my story with
so much laughter
and love
and people who lift me up
just to see me smile 
one year older
but still as young as i've ever been 
my mild obsession with brightly colored socks
and love for anything soft
and chocolate
one year older
and brighter

when i went to sleep
i was myself
when i fell into those pillows
soft and downy fluff
i knew what my purpose was
i knew myself
better than anyone else
yet somewhere
among the starry sky 
and hazy dreams
between the waking light of dawn
and the fading midnight gleaming 
of moon on bright white snow
i lost all identity 
in the frigid cold
outside my window frost does creep
and silent will the mystery sneak
while my body lay here asleep
and change into something that is not me
but still wears my pale white skin 
and though the nighttime terrors are wearing thin
i still can hear 
those fateful footsteps
laced with frost
and ice and cold
changing what was young
to what is old.
 

numb
from all the empty space
the lack of laughter
and people 
who can never be replaced
no longer standing next to me
making stupid jokes
that we all guffaw at anyway
for fear has drowned them in solitude 
not reaching out
not replying when i need them to
my cousins
my uncles 
my grandparents 
my friend
none of these people are laughing anymore
they sit in terror
of what could happen
waiting with their toilet paper
and lysol wipes
for things to just blow over
and maybe they will
but i refuse to just sit and do nothing
to let the fear and loneliness drown me too
i will do anything
and everything to keep myself busy
making a shelf
baking a cake
trying to learn how to knit
but failing 
and starting over again
i will clean everything
reorganize every box in this room
paint until everything is dripping in color

my rooster died on monday. he was fighting off a fox who had been trying to eat one of our hens. and didn't even stop to think about himself. he was a good boy. 

lyrics of devotion
spilling from these lips of blue
like tides drifting in and out
your non interest strangling me
oh what a thought
an ocean of words to describe you 
and me just floating on the surface
pen in hand
listening to the sounds 
and mellodies
that makes your name ring in my ears
lonely i wait here
in the dark 
until my courage shows it's face
and i can tell you how i feel 
for friend simply isn't enough 
my affections run deeper than that
they wish to hold you 
and keep you safe from whatever may try to harm you
to wrap you up in a blanket of perfect warmth and love
layered farther reaching out
hold on please
i just want 
to see you 
and tell you three simple words
i just want to pour all that love into a simple sentence 
and change the way you see me
because 
you 
are the only person 
who has ever looked at me like that

confusing
people rushing around
looking for things they know aren't there
but praying desperately that they will find them anyway
facts jumbled and mixed up
with rumors 
and numbers I look at with disbelieving eyes
my heart pounding 
and head swimming with the sheer amount of damage this world population
as sustained over the past few weeks

scary
my fingers clench and unclench 
as i sit in waiting for my parents to return from the store
my brother's arguing in the background
with the knowledge that if they contract something
we will too
with the jolt of fear in my bones
that comes every time somebody coughs near me
(I may be a bit sensitive about that)
with the building terror
that i could get sick too
and not get better

lonely
the need to reach out
and feel the arms of my grandmother
my teacher
my friends
wrapp around me

i just want to collapse on the floor
and drown myself in all the words
that pour out of me 
and wrap me up in their meaning
suffocating me in the silence
pain i can't fix with medication 
something i can't repair with all the carpentry tools in the world
the empty eats at everything
pulls what little bit of my happiness is left
into a black hole of regret
and wanting to end everything
just so the lack of sound
will stop screaming in my head
so these tired lungs can rest 
and i can be free 
from the weight of people's hopes and dreams
their love of me because of who they lost
this fear creeping up on me
in the corner of my eye
i see it growing off my pain
the way the shadows under your childhood bed seemed to grow
and blanket you in a cold sweat of pure terror
the way the dark circles under my eyes
turn a shade of fresh bruise
and my weary head 

This world as i know it. 
this world is built on pain
and hurt
and the harsh animalistic natures
of equally harsh and cruel people
and hope.
this world is built on the broken shards of old things
patched together with love
into something new
something better.
this world
is built on the dreams
and the open hearts
of every single person on this planet.
this world it built by you and i
on our plans for tomorrow
and reminiscences of yesterday
this world is built on hope.
and love.
and hurt.
and strength.
and weaknesses. 
this world is built on all that makes us human. 
because as humans
we make this world. 
 

the rain taps against my window
and the heater next to my bed hums along
as the cloud filtered light from the overcast sky 
comes peeking through my closed blinds

I hug my faded sweater closer 
and pray that someway 
somehow 
things will be ok again

my arms clad in dark grey fabric
that cross over my chest
to hold each other
to hold me together 
to keep the pain inside this worn out soul

broken pencils litter the floor 
crumpled balls of grief filled letters and paper 
create a cage of words that don't work 
that imprison me in feeling
and drown me in the tears i refuse to free from my pride

as try so hard
to hide the hurt 
and suppress the aching in every inch of my soul 
to be quiet
to keep my mouth shut
and keep you in the dark
when all i want
is to tell you everything
and beg for your forgiveness