Somewhere I lost the words
along the tissue paper flower path
that smells of floor cleaner 
like a hospital 
all hallways and anxiety 
every turn a new reason to want to run away 
from what you might find
Somewhere i went crazy
on this river raft to wherever I'm going 
created by my own eyes 
ever flowing, carrying me forwards on a twinkling path to anywhere
it tastes like rain and smells of chamomile 
dark chocolate skies 
and stars that aren't stars but tiny hanging magnifying glasses 
to remind you 
to look closer 
you may ask what I'm on 
may ask what I've eaten
how much sleep I've had
but what you should ask is if I need a hug
if I might feel as though
the weight of all who cry 
rests upon my shoulders
and pours through my eyelashes every evening 
if maybe I might need to fall into a field of dandelions and laugh for a while
because 
Yes 

I don't know who I am
the little kid in the purple dress
with the long hair
has changed and, slightly faded
he's sad today
he knows
something isn't right in his world
but he can't pin down what
I try to drown my emotions in the sounds that pour forth from my headphones
I attempt to smile
but I feel too grey to appreciate the blue sky
I wish my eyes were green
like the back of a frog
like the sound of humming
Like limes and grass
like the cartoon dinosaur I painted on my wall
in the hopes it would make me smile on bad days
the little kid who used to laugh at anything
he feels numb
he doesn't know how to really laugh anymore
or how to ask for help
fear seems to drive his mental state deeper
and deeper into the false world he's made for himself
inside his mind
where nobody can hurt him
and somebody always holds his hand
I am that boy

Nobody made me love you
Nobody made me care
Nobody led me to believe
that I am who I am
so blame them if you can
Nobody helped me back up to my feet
they helped me get stronger
don't you see?
the lack of being there
nobody
as if
they were somebody. . .

you.

 

My body does not define who I am 
no more than the shoes on my feet
change in my pocket
or house that I live in 
I know its a messy thing
sometimes It seems unreasonable 
doesn't make sense
but the endless stream of pink words 
the relentless waves of knowledge 
that I am and will never fully be myself
hurts
I close my eyes
cover my ears
and wrap myself in blue
the pink I used to think made me something people would love
does not fit into my life anymore
and I will don the colors that make me feel 
like me
despite the pink you throw at me
I will revel in the fact
that I am blue inside. 
 

The sun twinkled 
through the pine needles that almost kissed the dusky sky
just barely missing the soft hues that were brushed across the atmosphere 
by the gravity that holds us to the ground
and turns us over
morning to night
stars fill my eyes
faded into the vastness of the night sky
fleeting colors folding bending 
shifting to the backdrop of dewy obsidian 
as I lie here 
waiting 
I imagine being a blush of color in the heavens 
must feel like floating in a blanket 
the faint smell of bubblegum and spring breezes 
concepts of emotion 
morals
love
just faint hazy memories 
giant floating spheres of gas and rock
hurtling through space 
always moving farther away from each other 
life is simple 
if you let it be
but curiosity and the desire 
to know
to truly know 
will always win out

broken blue 
shattered porcelain scattering across the floor
some relationships are more fragile than the finest glass 
and some are sweet words encapsulated in a reliable see-through bottle
thrown into the unpredictable waves of day to day life
and coming back just as kind
all of them blue
light blue that coats my tongue with the taste of spring 
fluffy clouds and the smell of cotton candy
light blue like fake smiles hiding anxiety and the knowledge 
that the words won't fall from my lips the way I want them to
the way the sky looks at me as if wondering why I can't be happy yet
green blue
seaweed swaying in the cold Maine ocean water
crabs scuttle through my memories 
of the cold water I threw myself into lovingly, only to run out of, laughing from the chill 
it seems every day I grow older
I find myself desiring to go back in time even more
back to navy blue 

WE GOT A PUPPY!!!!!!!!
 

Joy isn't just the sunny days
with ice cream drips and perfect words.
Love isn't just the first few seconds,
flawless moments and romance books.
Life isn't just laughter that bounces off the clouds,
the birth of new things or smell of leaves.

Joy is the rain falling,
sweet relief pouring across your face,
moments when your value of everything,
every little thing,
is the largest thing.

Love is the tears of a resolved argument
dripping into a well of shared emotion,
the unconditional
"let me wipe your eyes with my sleeve and hold you close when you dislike me most."

Life is the constant cycle
of last and first breaths,
of holding onto things so tight
only to realize you are most fulfilled when you let them go.

See your scars not as reminders of the bad you went through
but as the strength that allowed you to survive,
feel your pain not to wallow in it

clear imprisonment 
you tap but the glass wont break
panes that make a cage
 

the stars don't watch with judgement 
and the moon doesn't shine to tell you what to do
nobody's seen the clouds fussing
over who said what to who 
sometimes the only way to escape 
this dramatic social hullabaloo
is to look up 
up from the table 
at which you are bound by the strings of compassion
up 
from the screen that you feel trapped in 
up from the tissues and cough drop wrappers
look up at the sky
look up at the rafters
the walls of this house don't whisper with envy 
the soft sway of branches don't scream in a frenzy 
of first world issues, and problems so petty 
am I your friend or am I your enemy? 
it's never been clear 
though I want to be friendly 
I'm lost in this world of teen drama and distractions 
somebody please
give me directions 
all I can do is look up 
up at the sky that could be the sea
tempted to make the next line