Raspberry or mango? I can’t decide. Of course I can’t decide. Nothing new, right? Not being able to make decisions on my own, needing other people’s opinions, needing others to guide me with even the most simple choices. I'm standing in a little frozen yogurt shop, probably one of the safest places, and yet my mind is racing. A million thoughts a second, all blending together in a mass of words. If someone with a gun comes, or there’s a fire, where's the nearest exit? What’s my backup plan? The amount of people in here is making me dizzy. All the voices, quiet and loud, coming together in one loud noise. I try not to look at anyone or make eye contact, but everywhere I look, someone's there. So I looked at the floor. Raspberry or mango? 

Most people are asked the question, “ what are you grateful for” at least once in their life. As for me, I’ve been asked countless times. I’ve come up with many different answers, and come to the conclusion that I’m grateful for so many things that it would be too hard to put them all on paper. One thing I’m especially grateful for, though, is my friends. That’s so unbelievably cliche, I know. But, here’s the thing. Over my short lifetime, I’ve made friends and lost friends. I’ve come across some who weren’t a good fit with me, and some who I don’t deserve because they do so much for me. Now, as a freshman, I can say I have some pretty amazing friends who I’m very lucky happened to stumble into my life. Sure, they’re annoying sometimes, but what's a good friendship without getting annoyed with each other once in a while? The important thing is that I know that they’re always there for me, for the good and the bad, and I’m there for them. 

You have an easy way of making others laugh.

Everyone’s happy around you. 

You have an easy going personality 

that makes people comfortable when they’re with you.

You have the best laugh.

But it doesn’t come out very often, does it?

You’re different.

You dress in a refined way.

You don’t want to be noticed.

But you don’t want to go unseen, either.

But I noticed you.

Your hair is in a no nonsense, low, messy bun.

And you have little makeup on.

Your shirt is practical, but slightly see through.

Do you want me to notice you?

You look around every once in a while.

Do you need help?

You dropped something.

It’s your driver's license.

Sadie Jones.

That’s your name.

Interesting.

Unique

But also average.

You can blend in.

There’s a weight

On her shoulders.

Getting heavier

And heavier 

Each day.

It’s pushing her

Down,

Down,

Down.

Farther and farther

Into the ground.

The weight is inside her too.

Eating away at her insides.

Leaving her emotionless.

She doesn’t even cry anymore.

She used to.

All the time.

Sometimes for no reason.

She was just filled with sad.

But then.

She turned numb.

She doesn’t want to be alive anymore.

She barely exists as it is.

She puts a knife to her wrists to see the blood.

To remind herself that she is alive.

Even if she doesn’t want to be.

One day

Is a particularly bad day.

She can’t take it anymore.

The weight on her shoulders.

The hurt.

“Magic in the Hamptons.” 

It reminds me of a summer night

At the beach.

Running around

Hair down.

It’s

Driving

During a sunset

With my best friends.

Windows down 

Music blasting.

When I hear it I think of fireworks

And smiles.

It’s

Dancing 

in the pouring rain.

Clothes drenched.

Hair matted around your face.

It’s 

Blades of grass

With drips of last night's rain running down it.

Waking up late

On a July morning

And smelling coffee.

It‘s happiness in a song.

 

waiting. 

we’re always looking forward to something. 

Waiting on something. 

Waiting our life to be better. 

I’m always waiting for summer. 

For the last day of school. 

When kids are sitting and talking,

saying goodbye. 

And teachers are letting kids do what they want. 

Everyone’s in the mindset of summer. 

I’m waiting for 

staying up late and sleeping in. 

For running around in bikinis and t shirts. 

For swimming at lakes and going to the beach. 

For kayaking and laying in the sun. 

I’m waiting for 

hanging out with friends and going to parties. 

For driving around and listening to music. 

I’m waiting for feeling happy and carefree. 

For ice cream and smiles and laughter. 

For camp. 

I’m waiting. 

But

there’s still 6 months. 

If I could do over one thing

It would probably be

Nothing. 

Sometimes I think

Of all the embarrassing moments in my life,

And wish I could do over them. 

But,

Then I think about how,

Those moments make me who I am. 

They makes my life what it is. 

If I didn’t have those moments, 

My life could be completely different. 

So, 

I wouldn’t change anything,

Or do over anything. 

If I could do over one thing

It would probably be

Nothing. 

Sometimes I think

Of all the embarrassing moments in my life,

And wish I could do over them. 

But,

Then I think about how,

Those moments make me who I am. 

They makes my life what it is. 

If I didn’t have those moments, 

My life could be completely different. 

So, 

I wouldn’t change anything,

Or do over anything. 

One minute.

60 seconds.

That’s all there is left.

She’s laying on the bed in front of me,

Motionless.

55 seconds.

If she doesn’t wake up I have to follow through with our agreement.

I can’t turn my back on her,

But I can’t keep hoping. 

Hoping that she’ll wake up

That life will be right again.

She wouldn’t want that.

42 seconds.

There’s tears running down my face.

I don’t want to say goodbye.

But it’s been 3 months.

28 seconds

The doctor is here.

Waiting for my decision.

I can’t.

16 seconds.

I have to let her go.

It’s what she wanted.

4 seconds.

I nod at the doctor,

Tears streaming down my face.

I can barely see.

2 seconds.

I hold her hand. 

I was told to sit in silence and think. 

Just think. 

To focus on my thoughts and put them into writing. 

Well,

There’s so many thoughts going through my brain. 

Millions. 

But at the same time 

There’s none. 

None I can catch,

And think more about. 

But there’s so many 

Flying through my brain. 

There one second, 

And gone the next.