Jun 02

There is No Other Option

finally, school is wrapping up
tying the bow atop
an unfinished present
I am reluctant to give away
what will i have when it ends?
will days stretch longer
or will the sand fall faster?
as i lie on this bed day after day
or are the days just illusions as well?
sweating as the sun shines down
and stagnant summer air suffocates
mourning the loss of the desert sand
that's fallen through the cracks
allotted to volunteering, laughter, travel
to the east coast colleges 
and their gusty winds of change
the timing, once perfect
now, the calendar in the waste bin
with plans scattered across the floor
too confusing to try to start deciphering
when all the numbers are x, y, z's 
that are constantly shuffling around
how does anyone do math with letters?
it all seemed kinda manageable
in classrooms so close, yet so far
their memory engrained in me
Jun 02

You Turned

even when the world stands still
it turns topsy turvy beneath our feet
as black and white blend into gray,
color, stark against the lackluster
people claw for more definition
and the land of the free and purple skies
curdles into the land of the broken
where we cannot trust even those
sworn to protect us
where the land of manifest destiny
and of the American dreams
crushes windpipes at its knee
what a hypocricy.
and at a time we need
to stand together as one
why do we stab ourselves
turning fist against face
and teeth against flesh?
how can you live with yourself at all
knowing, you turned on the country
who gave you all of what you have
and you stood there, 
or rather knelt there
allowing yourself to transform
into the monsters you're supposed to hunt?
 
May 28

Unadventurous Curiosity

Her socks were mismatched, eye gunk crystals stuck to her lashes, and the morning sun had risen far to early. But what else was new? Rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and splashing her face with water, Ella slid her shoes on and grabbed her bag of bricks. She took a few steps out the gate, and tripped on a shoelace. Owww. Luckily, the spring was still chilly and had prompted her to wear her pair of go to jeggings. She laughed at herself in her head as she hurriedly laced up her shoes properly. With two sloppy bows, Ella checked her watch. Phew, fifteen minutes to spare.

She then began the morning stroll to school, savoring the feeling of a gentle breeze blowing through her damp locks. As the bright streaks of sunshine slowly woke her up from her half asleep adrenaline haze, Ella appreciated the blue bird's whistles and the neighborhood's blooming gardens. 
May 28

stranger ice

My stomach drops and fizzes with excitement
as I type all those emojis with a happy birthday
and this is probably pretty out of the blue
can't imagine how long I've waited to text you

I had thought before it was over
another casualty of this stupid virus
but here we are, with pixels and screens
making up the blue speech bubbles between

But when I listened to us conversing in my head
I realized we are not saying what we would normally say
and this whole chat is not a conversation between you & me
simply a reflection of who we think we should be

We are more liberal with the jokes we throw out
because the awkward silences have been backspaced
moments I would normally be chuckling all alone
is confined to haha and my side of the phone

We toss in lol's when we aren't really laughing
just as a pickaxe to break up this stranger ice
May 28

Winking Smiles

I always forget now
that they can't see the smile
whenever they wave
and my lips turn up in response

I've never been one
to communicate with my voice
joy is hard to put into words
without sounding too cheesy

I can never say the right things anyway
and when all the wrong things spill out
I wince at myself, grinning at my ineptness
twinkling eyes winking unknowingly

Oh, it's made for some awkward chuckling
when my left eye shuts of its own accord
and my thoughts run through circle mazes
why on Earth are they winking at me?

So when I see these strangers
as I guard the bikes outside the market
my smile turned solid blue
despite the scattered reminders, I forget

The masks fade away
as we wink at one another
not exchanging words, or even gestures
but an inside secret neither of us know
May 27

Unbidden

they well up
Liquid diappointment
all muddled together
makes shame and anger
at the world, at myself
at life
becomes xyresic blades
slicing up the girl inside
puncturing holes in my fabricated 
pride, or is it confidence?
Drowning salt water with a showerhead
The blades sharpened again
with my disgust in myself
at the rivers of salt I've created
over what?
I try to scrub away my cares
my wounds, my insecurities
until my skin becomes raw
scars near invisible
yet still ever present
Both are right
and both are wrong
shades of gray
while every inch of my record
of choices, are wrong,
wrong,
wrong.
How many times have I
stewed in the River of Styx
gulping its gifts greedily
Out of sight, out of mind
It may be easier, but
leaves my armor open
to trip on the same rock
no wonder this moment
feels ever so familiar
May 24

The People Who Were Fearless

I've never known anyone
who is fearless
The way I figure
if you're never afraid
of anything
it means you've got
nothing
or you think you've got
nothing
which means you don't care about 
anything
enough to be willing to lose 
everything
Over time, they change
But then again,
nothing
ever stays the same for long
So maybe one day
I'll meet someone who's not afraid of
anything
but I won't bring myself to know
such an empty soul
No, instead
I'll look in their dull eyes
fearlessly defiant
and declare that they are quite possibly
insane
and then I'll take their empty bottles
and fill them will all the fear
I fear for them
and then they'll have to fear
trying to shake off the one person
who cares
I've never known anyone 
who is fearless,
The only people I've ever known
are people who were fearless


 
May 22

Possible Side Effects of Froyo

I came to my chromebook
for once, before midnight
and I thought I might finally
be able to write
without the lights being off
straining by eyes
to eek out the last lines
satisfied when the pixels
arrange themselves
into a mirror of the day

But, looking around
I realized was missing a limb
Shuffling the scattered pages
strewn across my room
Scouring the downstairs
I swear I left it in the bag
but I checked it thrice
and it's emptier than my stomach
on mornings where I wake up late 
then starve myself
too lazy to pull myself up 
whilst languishing in bed

oh, the dangers of eating froyo
savoring the tart mango
melting on your tongue 
that coaxes the irritable summer air
it is chill pill indeed
my eyes fixed on the prize
I didn't catch the possible consequences
sly commercials always read way too fast
May 20

Last Days & Farewells

Mom hollering, "Get to school!"
stuffing the hashbrown in my face
ketchup stains the corners of my mouth
sprinting up the stairs
changing faster than the speed of light
Dad honking in the driveway, shouting at Mom
"You're gonna pick 'em up!"
Flying into the car
Then just sitting
still pumping with the adrenaline
my daily dose every dawn
the whole neighborhood hears a girl
screaming for her brother to
"HURRY UP! WE'RE GONNA BE LATE"
Is she okay?
She will be if she's on time

At a glance
the same as every school day morn

But today,
I secure a blue mask around my ears
before I race out the car
without my hefty backpack
reminding me of my purpose

Approaching the front office
I've been through, maybe once before?
Warily looking around, keeping my distance
Afraid that if I spot my friends

May 19

i failed.

But you know what?
At least I failed epicly
so spectacularly
that the best he could say is
"At least you played the notes right"

they were not in tune
nor to any rhythm
Does this make me a failure?
Perhaps

I don't care though
because I'm just relieved
it's done
although I suppose it was over
the moment I thought
"I'M DOOMED"

when I could finally let go of the breath
the stale hopes
I was holding onto so tightly
until my palms were slick with liquid fear

Laughing at myself
in advance
at the voice inside who calls me
a loser

batting at the incessant fly
constantly hovering by my ear
incessantly buzzing that I am not enough
I am a disappointment

But you know what?
These knees have seen the ground
more times than you can count
and all I can do
is dust off the scrapes

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