Jul 05

You and I

Sleep is but a memory.
It’s the tide that slips onto the shore,
Leaving dreams washed up on the beach.
There are daisies on my mind, a wrinkled blanket 
Left in a field under the midday sun.
I went away so I could come back. 
Didn’t want to, but it was important that I did.
Held the hand of a little girl, snapshot
In my mind
Her strawberry blonde hair shining, tiny face
Smiling up at me as ice cream melts.
I wake up crying, arms reaching out …
She was never mine and I don’t want her,
But my mind is trying to convince me I do.

Wandered the aisles of Hannaford, looking
For shampoo and conditioner. 
It made me smile because
It made me think of you
And that poem I wrote so many memories ago,
And now my mind is stuck on you. 
We’ve come so far together, 13 months, 
Been through so much, with you next to me,
The hours we’ve spent together, your arms around me, 
Jul 01
rant challenge: Roe v. Wade

I don’t even know

To the Supreme Court 

I'm sorry, but what exactly do you get out of this again?
More overpopulation?
You’re pro life but have you done anything about 
The starving people in this world?
Have you even considered, the children that commit suicide
Every year because they don’t want to be in foster care 
Anymore?
So tell me again, what is this to you?
Because what do you think you’re going to get out of controlling 
The bodies that don’t belong to you?
Why is it that you get to decide the fate of millions of people?
Sorry if it seems like I’m attacking but
I’m scared and upset right now
And I really don’t understand 
How come guns have more rights than a person who can 
Create life?
How come guns have more rights than me? 
How come the one that takes away
Has more freedom than the one who gives?
And what happens to the ones who are born
Homeless, hungry, poor, unwanted
May 12

PLain sight


si tu veux me trouver, regarde 
dans les endroits tu peux pas
 Voir, walking the tangle of crossroads 
Nothing is ever as it seems
The sky is only so blue
I woke up today, for you

I’ve had to be my home, 
A shelter from the debilitating storms
There are words I wish I
Could say but it’s so hard
Dernière chance pour un dernière chance 
Can you tell if I’m lying?

I’ve never been to heaven, but
Some say it’s a place nearby
My head hasn’t been quite right
Ever since this glass world shattered
I've always stuck to my side
 of the road Always stayed in
 
the right lane I’ve always gone 
with the direction of the wind
It’s just easier that way
I’ve always let myself bleed in
 order to keep you from pain 
I’ll happily bring you flowers, dear

If it’ll hide my flooding hurt
It’s the sky and nothing more
Mar 16

people a certain kinda way

Forgive me

Forgive me for saying these words, forgive me
For telling you I’m sorry
Forgive me for not knowing very much but knowing enough
That I can survive
Is that not what we all do? 
Forgive me for for being scared, please forgive me
For only being human and not knowing what comes next and 
Feeling pure terror pool inside my chest, please
Forgive me

I’m living a life that sometimes costs so much more than it should

And sometimes doesn’t seem like enough

I’m trying to walk the thin line that apparently exists in between those, 

Conflicting sides that seem to have found a common ground

I’m not there, in case you care

I’m breathing air that has already expired, my head is spinning

Panic in the mornings as I try to figure out what to do

Can you hear my music, sad love songs that feed on the sound
Mar 01

I need you

You asked me to talk to you more.
to tell you what I need.
You went and in a single hour,
blew apart my entire world.
So here is what I need.
I need you to not judge me.
I need you to acknowledge that you broke me more last night.
I need you to listen to my reasons and not say anything, just understand.
I need you to know that I am an emotional wreck.
I need you to realize that you can't just stop loving someone.
I need you to know I don't know who to trust anymore.
I need you to know I am scared.

So I need you to watch me walk out of this house.
I need you to not stop me.
I need you to realize that you are forcing me to move for the 8th time and understand
why this would be hard for me.
I need you to realize you hurt me last night and I don't know what to do and so I need to go talk
like an adult
and figure this out.
Feb 28

?

I don't understand
I used to be
Strength is...I used to be strong, so strong and I knew it
I know I'm still strong
but why is it suddenly looked down upon?
I've grown and grown and changed and become more myself and the people I love don't like it
and they question why I never tell them anything
I was so much younger yesterday, I think
The days seem to move so slowly, they drag on
and then too quickly, they disappear
I'm so tired of fighting and I don't know what's happened
I used to be able to write, words came so easily to me
I used to be colorful and see color and I used to breathe color
and I still can, still am, but the shades are muted and quiet
I listen to nostalgic music, trying to make myself cry, then force the tears back
In this house, I am not allowed to cry.
So.
I shut down.
While they yell at me I.
Stay silent.
Don't look at them.

Feb 20

wish you knew

I wish you knew about me
I wish you would listen to these words I can say
I wish you would know that I can tell you’re not listening
I wish you could know that I am capable of change, that I have changed
For you
For this, I wish you would apologize

I wish you understood about me 
I don’t need  you to panic when I tell you
I am not okay
I need you to look at me and tell me
That we are all broken and that I
Am simply a piece of this shattered world
I just want to feel wanted
Just like you
I don’t need your concerned apology

I wish you would pay attention to me
Not just what I have done wrong
I wish you would think of me and think of how capable I am, not how
I don’t do as much as I could be doing

I wish you would ask me about my day and
Actually mean it
Not just get upset when I tell you fine
Feb 17

Emptying

2/14/22

I am but change, count 

My heart out in pennies…

A dime for a dozen, here are my thoughts but you must be ready.

Nickels rest upon my shoulders, piling up, watch

As my problems grow and push me down and watch

As I start to drop quarters wherever I walk, these

Are remnants of me.

See me drop coins into a jar, change burying change burying 

Me.

I must bury me.

It’s the only way to survive. 



2/10/22
I revert back to music because that at least, is real and won’t leave me. I fell in love with their voices. 

I’m okay.

I used to drown in books. I’d become the characters trapped in them, we’d be infinite together. I fell in love with the characters. 
Feb 03

Rain in february

I'm so tired. So tired of this all. This isn't the formatt I usually write in. But I'm too tired to care. Because really, there doesn't seem to be any point to keep trying. It's raining in February right now, anything is possible. I am told over and over we aren't trying to stop you from doing anything, but oh, you really are. You just don't know how to let me go, do you? I'm not a child anymore. You told me in your mind, I am still 10. That in your mind, my little sister is still 7. 
I'm about to turn 16.
She's 12.
Jan 28

Knowing

When you are young they assume
you know nothing
you cannot find something that was 
never lost, cannot take back something
that was never yours...

I have learned not to hope, it is a broken empty contraption
Something a wordsmith smashed when it didn't perform to their expectation
It simply dissapoints
After they spent all that time building it...

It is assumed I know nothing
That because I am a teenager they think
I must guide her
her mind can still be molded

You can only get through ife by knowing something
I don't know everything
but no one does...

I had a marvelous time ruining everything
I am not a problem unless you make me so




 

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