i am synesthetic, which means that i can see colors and shapes in music. if you'd like, leave a comment about a song (with the artist) and i'll try to draw what it looks like to me :)
 

it was easier
when we were kids
dealing with scabbed knees
instead of scarred wrists
eating paste instead of 
inhaling it 
writing with pens instead of 
pretending to be normal and 
vaping with fake ones

it was easier 
when we were kids
we didn't care about politics
or global warming
or gun violence
or the future;
we thought our lives would
forever be solidified in 
sticky summer sweat and
graham cracker crumbs
drenched in apple juice
stuck to sand-covered fingers
from the hours we spent in the sandbox
forming worlds in which we could pretend-
who would've thought 
we'd want to escape reality 
so much more 
years later?

it was easier
when we were kids
not a care in the world because
the world didn't care for us
we didn't obsess over numbers on our Instagram posts
we didn't obsess over texts from people we hated

you know how to hurt me
take my own knife 
stab me in the heart
leave me bleeding on the concrete sidewalk
and say it's love
in case you've forgotten
you're no longer in love with me
because i am not a good fit for you.
i am here
i am here because i love you
but if you don't want me
shut the hell up
and tell me what you want me to do
i can't handle your anger taken out on me
i can't handle communication through spotify
i can't handle not knowing where the landmines are beneath my feet right now
you know damn well how to hurt me
just remember
i know damn well how to hurt you too
 

Why create a new reality 
When you have one in front of you
Already?
Why look through the window
Into her life
When in your own mirror
Is everything you love?
You long to be her
But you can't see
She has less than you.
Of course
People think she's perfect
Because that's how she shows 
Herself.
Only the most confident
Presence
That everyone wishes they had.
But underneath her eye makeup
And perfectly parted hair
She struggles to wake up every morning
Waits for the bus as the screams echo
In her head.
But she's perfect right?
And no one will stop
Looking through the window
At her.

-Blue


 

is it worth it
is the pain you hold close to your heart
worth the happiness you get from me
and yet
i'm the one causing the pain.
is it worth it
checking my playlist captions again and again
tolerating everything i throw at you
surrounding yourself with me
because you don't have anyone else
i am not your goddamn therapist
i need to take care myself 
without needing to worry about you as well
i love you 
so much 
not in the way i used to though
and i know you love and care about me
i know you do
i see you 
in the way so few people do
if i could
i would create a transparent bubble around you
letting only love in 
blocking all hate out 
because you don't deserve to be hurt
ever
but i dont know what i need
i dont know what i want
not knowing 
is the scariest thing i've felt recently. 
i dont want to let you go 

When he was six years old
his family moved from the crowded city
to the stillness of the countryside, a
kid once raised by tall smokestacks,
a constant stream of chatter in the back of his head, and
a society where everyone is no one at the same time,
thrown to new shades of artificial green
and reality. 

For a while
he missed the constant talking in his head,
forming a grey stream of nothing in the back of his mind
but he adapted
and he learned to speak the language of the trees.
With no one within a thirty-mile radius
the boy resorted to spending time outside.
When swimming in the brook next to his house
he talks with the minnows that 
move alongside him,
learn his secrets and 
tell him the secrets of the universe 
to their limited knowledge. 
When running in the fields of his backyard
he's careful to not step on the flowers 

i want you to know
i hate being your ex
i hate how i constantly remember how i left
i hate how i could never say anything against you
i hate how scared i was to do one simple thing
i hate how i acted
but i love you
i loved you then and i love you now
and my god
i've tried to move on
believe me.
i've tried a different relationship
but i broke it 
because that wasn't what i wanted
and it wasn't fair to him.
i've tried forcing myself away from you
but we have formed some connection that won't break
sometimes i praise it
sometimes i curse it 
because you know me better than anyone else-
even my person
who isn't even my person anymore. 
i've tried everything i can
but i cannot move on 
from you
and it fucking hurts me 
every single time you talk about her
because i know 
you're falling in love again
just not with me.

however

they've always said
"you're 13
you don't know love
you're too young to experience love"
but 
they've been married 37 years
they fight every day
their child comes to school with long sleeves during summer
their rings and their vows
are slowly fading to oblivion
a solitary memory
to what they once had-
milk turned sour

part my chapped & bleeding lips
i pop a brown M&M into my mouth
you follow suit-
close-up camera shot of two teens 
standing in an alleyway 
painted butterfly wings on a white brick wall
kissing
visibly in love yet
too scared to say it 
for the fear of the power that love holds
it's a drug
you become addicted
you only want it
and when you don't have it
it hurts
but it's okay that it hurts
because hurt is part of life

a moment that never happened
a place that was never ours