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Mar 19
rant 15 comments
Inkpaw

what it feels like.

As a member of the lgbtq+ community who has not really come out to my parents, I tend to get a little ticked off. A lot. At myself, at my siblings and yes at my parents, when they use the wrong pronoun, or talk about me having a relationship with an assumed idea of my sexual orientation, based off of the faulty assumption of my gender. And I realize, I am causing my own suffering here. I know that my parents will be fine with who I am. If i just pulled myself together and stopped being afraid of practically nothing. But there is a part of me that is absolutely terrified to say anything at all. I have learned my entire life, to try to avoid awkward situations, but now I'm realizing just how messed up that thought process actually is. You have to be awkward and real and messy in life, to learn how to not be, but still communicate. It doesn't lower my fears to know this, but it does build up my bravery and determination to say something. 

As a teenager in general, this period of time in my life is scary and confusing as it is. Every interaction with a person of my own age is pumped full of awkward responses, strange "meme" references and hidden meanings in every sentence, my emotions are haywire, my body is constantly changing, my skin. . . let's not even go there. It's a time in life where you are trying to figure out who you are, where you want to be, what you'd like to do with your life, and how to be a responsible adult. It's a time in life, much like fall and spring, it's transitional. In between child and adult. In between wanting complete independence, and still clinging tightly to the life support of your parents and family. It's a time in life where it feels, the entire world is staring you down, asking you, "what are you going to do?" with anxiety inducing music playing in the background, and you are left with two responses.  Move forward. Or stay put. And what's the point in staying put? Life is there to be explored and reimagined and lived in, not left in a dusty corner while you sit on your bed and fret about silly things, death-staring a screen while your brain becomes increasingly empty and colpasses form lack of use. Life is there to be present in, to feel in and once you start being there and moving forward with life, and accepting change, you learn to love that feeling. Because moving forward, and living, Feels good! Getting over fears, and triumphing over dilliemas, leads to feeling more free, and less stuck in a box. I've lived with this fear and frustration, and overall negativity long enough to say I don't want or need any more of it. I've spent far too long inside my box of "comfort" that became ever less comfortable, and cramped as I grew. And I need to break free. I need to say something about what I'm dealing with, and how I feel. 

And how I feel, is what you just read. I feel scared, confused, angry, and ready to be done with the restraints I have placed upon myself out of those negative feelings. I'm ready to get awkward, but also, get happier, and more comfortable with who I am. I feel excited, Because I have so much more freedom and power than I thought.Just by speaking up, and saying a few words, I can improve my current state of being by so much. So this is me, finding my voice. And voicing how I feel right now. 
 
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Posted: 03.19.20
About the Author: Inkpaw
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Discussion

Comments

  1. Fiona Ella
    Mar 19, 2020

    this is very well said. in the time before i came out to my parents i remember feeling much the same way. it can be difficult to break out of the bubble of normalcy or to challenge someone else's perception of who you are on a fundamental level, but of course it's something you need to push through in order to grow and thrive. i love your confidence in this. best of luck whenever and however you choose to tell your parents.

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  1. Inkpaw
    Mar 19, 2020

    tomorrow evening, i can't right this second unfortunately. and thank you.

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  1. Treblemaker
    Mar 19, 2020

    this was such an uplifting piece in a way. you talking about the seasons and growing up and the next steps in life. "life is there to be present in" is a rEaLly beautiful line. I fully support you and hope everyone will be supportive and understanding for you as well. Its important to find your voice and kinda a scary thing to do, but it must be done :) anyway here is a celebratory donut for a beautiful piece, and bc I want a donut too *hands you donut* XD

    I write because the music of language spoke to me in books and I wanted to make a beautiful noise to answer back ~ Lee Williams.

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  1. Inkpaw
    Mar 19, 2020

    hands you entire box of homemade doughnuts and a loaf of bread for extra happiness. thank you.

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  1. Treblemaker
    Mar 19, 2020

    *gives virtual hug* I love bread. and doughnuts. what a great day. And wishing the best for tm evening :)

    I write because the music of language spoke to me in books and I wanted to make a beautiful noise to answer back ~ Lee Williams.

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  1. Inkpaw
    Mar 20, 2020

    thank you! *returns hug

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  1. Inkpaw
    Mar 20, 2020

    i did it!

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  1. Treblemaker
    Mar 20, 2020

    yay!! did it go well? you obviously don't have to say tho if your not comfortable. so happy for you tho!

    I write because the music of language spoke to me in books and I wanted to make a beautiful noise to answer back ~ Lee Williams.

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  1. Inkpaw
    Mar 20, 2020

    no it's fine! it went well i guess, i think my pop was a bit. . . caught out of the blue. he said he accepts me though, and will always be there for me no matter how i think of myself or what changes i go through in life. witch made me feel pretty f-ing awesome. my mum already knew. so it was good. :)

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  1. Inkpaw
    Mar 20, 2020

    and thank you, it really made my day to know you guys had my back going into this today.

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  1. Treblemaker
    Mar 20, 2020

    oh course! I'm really happy it was a good outcome for you! truly. :D its great people are open and supportive about these things. I think its pretty f-
    ing awesome too. *gives you two boxes of donuts, loaf of bread for happiness, annnd, virtual hug*

    I write because the music of language spoke to me in books and I wanted to make a beautiful noise to answer back ~ Lee Williams.

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  1. Inkpaw
    Mar 20, 2020

    yus! i love bread and doughnuts! and gluten! and hugs! thank you!

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  1. Treblemaker
    Mar 20, 2020

    gluten works lol! the bread inspired me to write a poem, check it out :)

    I write because the music of language spoke to me in books and I wanted to make a beautiful noise to answer back ~ Lee Williams.

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  1. EverlastingWaves
    Mar 23, 2020

    Awesome! I'm in a stage where I don't know if I'm part of the lgbtq+ community. I feel like a mix. :) Good for you for coming out.

    "Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."
    -Albus Dumbledore

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  1. Inkpaw
    Mar 23, 2020

    thank you, and i understand entirely, i went through a bit of that as well.

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