i dont know what to do anymore. im tired of being lonely and i wish i could just bash my head into the wall until i cant feel anything anymore. sometimes i curl my hands into fists until my fingernails dig into my palms, because i feel like i cant do anything i cant fix the sickness in my grandmother's body, i cant solve the puzzle of the girl i love, im not even able to cry anymore. things just feel dull, empty, blank. i dont even know what i want, i just want to stop feeling so alone and despreate and sad. maybe i should stop listening to sad music, but it makes me feel like somebody understands. sometimes i wonder if im addicted somehow, in some twisted sick way, to this feeling of emotional suffering. i lie of course, when people ask me how i am, i smile and make myself live in a mask, a porcilain vase around my head, sculpted from my fear, fear of people knowing that. . . im not ok. that im sad underneath the happy smiles and determined attidute. i realize how selfish, and silly i sound. . . there are so many other people with worse lives, and im sitting here sulking about how i simply am too stuporn and prideful to ask for help and atention when i want it. maybe, i just need to toughen up a little bit, quit being a baby and pull myself together. but i dont want to. the sunshine feels to bright, and the laughter of others is too loud. i just . . . i want somebody to look past my grumpy demenor and hug me, to tell me im wanted without words. to show me im worth it by simply smiling in my direction. i dont want to talk about it, i dont want to say anything. i just want to feel wanted. i want to know that when im not ok, when dark thoughts spin around my head and my doubt swallows everything else, that there is somebody right there, who will pick me up from the floor, uncurl my hands, wipe my face of its tears, and just be there. i just want somebody to be there. as i sit and watch the numbers on the clock change for an hour, thinking about how pointless my life is anyway, i dont want to feel lonely, but i dont want to have to talk or explain myself. i wish someone would understand without words, that some person would look into my eyes, instead of watching my mouth, and understand, that im hurt, that im unsure, that im so, so scared. even when i seem confident i am terrified. my hands shake, and my eyes are wide.