I starve for the day when the arms wrapped around me will be my own,
The more I think about it the more I know.
I'm in an abusive relationship,
and it's with me.
I talk to myself more than I talk to others
and that's the most dangerous part.
To know that the voice inside my head,
is just as evil as the ones I hear on the outside.
It feels like I won't be happy until I know,
that every bone can get a fresh breath of air.
Until every bone is perfectly noticable,
Can't stop until I feel completely beautiful.
People ask me why I did this to myself,
I'd answer softly and slowly.
I didn't see what they meant,
I didn't understand what I was doing.
A year or two went by,
My face was sucked in.
I got what I wanted,
Every bone was perfectly shaped and noticble.
The worst part about my bones breathing air,
was that I didn't see them.
Everyone told me I looked sick,
but I didn't see any changes.
I didn't see a problem,
all I saw was a sweaty two hundred pound girl.
I hated myself,
in all the ways a person could hate something.
I took my sweatshirt off,
I coverd myself protecting my bones.
My bones were so weak,
I had to protect them.
I went to give my mom a hug,
To my surpirse she pushed me away.
My mom had tears in her eyes,
She then said she couldn't hug me because she thought she'd break me.
I ran but I wasn't sure from what,
I could literally feel my heart shatter into a million pieces.
I felt cold and vulnerable,
I felt like I was breathing my last breath.
I was ruining something my mom worked so hard to give life to,
I was ruining me.
Those words woke me up,
I finally realized it.
I had an eating disorder,
I was Anorexic.
I was killing myself more and more each day,
I was the only one who could fix it.
I let my bullies win,
the one's who called me fat and over weight.
I was being self destructive because of them,
I was a dead soul,
fighting for revival.
Everytime I felt good,
it would remind me I was nothing.
I wanted to run forever,
but eventually I'd get tired.
It was up to me,
To live or to end everything.
As of today I'm healthy,
I still have a lot to work on.
The biggest step you could take,
is the step it takes to live.
I am a person of survival,
but growing up that's not how I saw it.
I finally see that life is worth living,
I chose to live.