Anything is better

numb
from all the empty space
the lack of laughter
and people 
who can never be replaced
no longer standing next to me
making stupid jokes
that we all guffaw at anyway
for fear has drowned them in solitude 
not reaching out
not replying when i need them to
my cousins
my uncles 
my grandparents 
my friend
none of these people are laughing anymore
they sit in terror
of what could happen
waiting with their toilet paper
and lysol wipes
for things to just blow over
and maybe they will
but i refuse to just sit and do nothing
to let the fear and loneliness drown me too
i will do anything
and everything to keep myself busy
making a shelf
baking a cake
trying to learn how to knit
but failing 
and starting over again
i will clean everything
reorganize every box in this room
paint until everything is dripping in color
and run until my lungs can't take it anymore
because i refuse to let the lonely catch up
i will always try to elude it's smothering grasp
and fill in the empty with laughter
and smiles
and people i care about
because anything is better
than feeling those icy fingers around my neck
anything is better than the loneliness.


 

Inkpaw

VT

17 years old

More by Inkpaw

  • The Boxes In The Corner

    Looming over your shoulders

    Each stack higher than its former

    Every thought and every scrap

    Of an idea too scared to ponder

     

    Every moment that hurt

    Each minute that lingered longer

  • Inadequacy


    How do I push the words out
    From behind my taffy tongue 
    Thick with salty tears 
    And full of grubby thumb 


    I’m a child 
    Pretending that I’m numb 
    To escape the overwhelming feelings 

  • Paper Frogs

    Why

    When feet fall soft but quick 

    Does the hallway extend

    And the hot breath of whoever’s behind me feel hotter 

    Why do I stay pressed to the wall 

    Like a stubborn gruby sticker