One of the women who works at the orphanage has told me stories of the day you dropped me off. You handed me over and left. Never looking back.
For the next few years after that I grew. I grew to be an actual human being that could walk and talk and had feelings. But you wouldn’t know what my first word was, because you weren’t there. It was Shelby by the way, the only person who only came close to being my family, before she left for a better job that would pay more than playing with orphan kids.
After I grew to be around four no one had adopted me, so the chance of me getting adopted now had gone way down. Everyone wanted a cute little baby, and I wasn’t that anymore.
By five I was pretty lonely, all the friends I had had left. But not me, I stayed. I stayed all through my teen years. And those where the hardest. Usually when you go to school and have a bad day you can go home and fall into your parents arms, because they will support you until you don’t need it any more. But not me, I would come home, skip dinner and cry myself to sleep.
By the time I was sixteen I had learned not to trust anyone. Because for some reason anyone I ever trusted always left. I see girls at school who have a mom and a dad. For some reason they are always complaining about them. I don’t think they know how lucky they are. I don’t care if I have horrible parents, it’s better than having none. I think that’s one of the reasons you left me. Because you thought you wouldn’t be a good parent. Well, that ended up to be true, because the biggest mistake you made was giving me up. If you hadn’t you would have been a good parent, just for loving me.
At eighteen I was allowed to leave the orphanage. Life has been hard since then. I am pretty lonely. I don’t have any family, and I am afraid it will stay that way. No one to love.
Love, that is what it comes down to. Love. Such a powerful word. I didn’t have any. I don’t know what love is. I wouldn’t know where to start learning. I think I will never know. Remember when I told you about those times I used to cry myself to sleep. Those nights I would have dreams of you coming back to me. I would throw my arms around you, forget about all the pain you have put me through and just be happy to have someone to love. But you never did. “And that has made all the difference.”
Sincerely, your daughter