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Mar 14
fiction

The Trip Away


2 months, 3 weeks, 6 days, 17 or so hours.
​It has been a long journey.
​When the cruise ships to the Red Planet first voyaged 
​out of Earth's atmosphere and into
emptiness, I knew that I would one day go.
I didn't want to go. 
I needed to.
​
I wished
​to stand upon a foreign, celestial body,
​hundreds of millions of miles away from
​the azure of home's familiar oceans
​and the green of home's comforting forests.
​I wanted to see the unthinkable rivets of ​Valles Marineris,
​the largest canyon in our solar system.

​I wanted to gaze upon the irregular faces of
Deimos​ and​ Phobos​
from a desolate,
​mountainous world: 
a world where none can live.
​A world where the insignificance of man
​can truly be realized.

​It has been a long journey.
I am tired and old.
​I have abandoned my children, their children,
​all eleven billion of God's children,
to come here.
​I was born in an age that seems to be eons ago.
Two thousand fifty-four.
​​The year of the Oil Wars.

​The fiery-looking world comes into view, and my heart nearly stops.
​Here, I will die.
​This place suits me well.
I will die away from death.
I will die away from dying.
​I will die away from
​the murky brown of home's decaying oceans
​and the ashes of home's ruined forests.
​Here, I will die. 

Posted: 03.14.18
About the Author: ChristianBolding
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Comments

  1. Mar 14, 2018

    Hi ChristianBolding- This piece is impeccable. However, I am confused about the first two lines and the rest of the paragraph and paragraphs two and three. It sounds like it's been "a long journey" - present tense. Then it sounds like the narrator is talking about what the narrator was thinking in the past - past tense. My advice would be to separate the first two lines from the rest of the paragraph, so it can be distinguished that the narrator starts in present tense and then past tense. Also, adding a little bit before the start of the third line about "back then", or add "..." to the end of the second line.

    I also had to look up Deimos and Phobos - I didn't know who they were.

    The last paragraph, which is pretty emotional to me, I think needs a little more explaining, in the fact that it says "This place suits me well". How?

    All around, this piece is so imaginative and well-written. Great job!

    --Eliza, YWP Instructor

  1. Mar 14, 2018

    Thanks for the criticism! Your feedback is greatly appreciated!

  1. Mar 14, 2018

    Oh and "the long journey" is supposed to be the man's literal voyage from Earth to Mars, and I suppose the line also refers to his life as well. I will have to make the distinction between the Martian voyage and the man's past wishes more clear and concise in terms of tense, as you said.

  1. Mar 14, 2018

    Np! And you can definitely make the changes successfully. You've already got the backbone (and more!) of this piece. Can't wait to read the finished piece (if you post it, of course).

    --Eliza, YWP Instructor