sometimes my brain and my body
don't listen to each other.
sometimes on the most innocuous of days,
my body gets a message from my brain and mixes it up
and adrenaline starts to pump
even as i'm sitting doing nothing.
sometimes my heart rate starts to spike
and my chest rattles and throbs
with the weight of senseless panic.
sometimes i close my eyes and breathe slowly
like maybe my body will listen to itself
even if it doesn't understand my brain
but the stiller i sit and the slower i breathe
the more space there is to feel the runaway heart inside my ribs.
vibrating and thumping as if something is horribly wrong.
sometimes tangibly accelerating.
sometimes i want to cry
because there is nothing i can to do stop this feeling
except wait for it to go away.
sometimes i lie awake at three in the morning
breathing as slowly as i can,
reciting poetry with my eyes closed
doing anything i can to calm the frantic kicking within my ribcage.
it never works.
eventually my brain gives up on consciousness
and i wake up a few hours later with my heart still racing.
sometimes i want to lie down
and curl into a little ball
because my body is exhausted from the constant stress signals
but my heart keeps on thumping
and even as i am physically and mentally exhausted
it won't slow down.
sometimes i feel tendrils of panic crawling up my throat
and trying to escape through my mouth
and i swallow them down and try to think about other things.
sometimes i tell people what's wrong.
just got a case of the jitters,
i say,
and it's true, even if the words are inadequate.
they usually understand
at least intellectually
what i'm going through.
(sometimes they tell me that if i took deeper breaths
and went running more
i wouldn't have to worry,
as if this is my fault somehow.)
i know that it stops.
i know that a day of this every few months is a small price to pay
for a relatively stress free life.
for the fact that unlike many people, my problems originate in my mind
but they do not damage it,
merely confuse my body.
i know that all i can do is wait
and try and be kind to myself
but being physically afraid for no reason
is exhausting.
it makes me feel powerless
and trapped.
and having no way to stop it
except to trust in the mercy of time
is just as exhausting.
sorry. more complaining about anxiety. had another bad day and needed to vent. not a lot of real substance here, just me feeling trapped and expressing thoughts.
don't listen to each other.
sometimes on the most innocuous of days,
my body gets a message from my brain and mixes it up
and adrenaline starts to pump
even as i'm sitting doing nothing.
sometimes my heart rate starts to spike
and my chest rattles and throbs
with the weight of senseless panic.
sometimes i close my eyes and breathe slowly
like maybe my body will listen to itself
even if it doesn't understand my brain
but the stiller i sit and the slower i breathe
the more space there is to feel the runaway heart inside my ribs.
vibrating and thumping as if something is horribly wrong.
sometimes tangibly accelerating.
sometimes i want to cry
because there is nothing i can to do stop this feeling
except wait for it to go away.
sometimes i lie awake at three in the morning
breathing as slowly as i can,
reciting poetry with my eyes closed
doing anything i can to calm the frantic kicking within my ribcage.
it never works.
eventually my brain gives up on consciousness
and i wake up a few hours later with my heart still racing.
sometimes i want to lie down
and curl into a little ball
because my body is exhausted from the constant stress signals
but my heart keeps on thumping
and even as i am physically and mentally exhausted
it won't slow down.
sometimes i feel tendrils of panic crawling up my throat
and trying to escape through my mouth
and i swallow them down and try to think about other things.
sometimes i tell people what's wrong.
just got a case of the jitters,
i say,
and it's true, even if the words are inadequate.
they usually understand
at least intellectually
what i'm going through.
(sometimes they tell me that if i took deeper breaths
and went running more
i wouldn't have to worry,
as if this is my fault somehow.)
i know that it stops.
i know that a day of this every few months is a small price to pay
for a relatively stress free life.
for the fact that unlike many people, my problems originate in my mind
but they do not damage it,
merely confuse my body.
i know that all i can do is wait
and try and be kind to myself
but being physically afraid for no reason
is exhausting.
it makes me feel powerless
and trapped.
and having no way to stop it
except to trust in the mercy of time
is just as exhausting.
sorry. more complaining about anxiety. had another bad day and needed to vent. not a lot of real substance here, just me feeling trapped and expressing thoughts.
- Fiona Ella's blog
- Sprout
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Reid
Jul 19, 2019
Fiona, the word, jitters, suggests something inconsequential, minor, nothing to be concerned about, doesn't it? This detailed description of the physical and mental pain and exhaustion of anxiety shows it's anything but. You say there isn't a lot of substance here, but in fact, it's an extraordinary piece. In your clear-eyed retelling of your experiences, we feel "the weight of senseless panic" that you describe. Thank you for this.