If not now, when? A question that is as old as time, a question that has haunted people for many years. This is a simple question and yet it difficult to answer. We each interpret it differently, some may say it’s about fixing the earth, some may say it’s about the school system, and some, like myself, will say something about their own lives.
I have never had confidence, not in my entire life have I felt like I could do anything right. At the same time I try to please everyone, I tend to take on too many things at one time and get completely stressed out. It a bad habit, although I think I will always want to please everyone and I’ll forever have to live with it, there is another thing I need to work on more.
When will I finally feel good enough?
This is where the confidence comes in. This is where I take on too much and come close to exploding. This is where I need answers. I do not mean good enough for others, I simply mean good enough for myself. When will I feel good enough?
Is it when I pass in everything and get the perfect grade, is it when I prove I can be just as good as my brothers, is it when I try new things? If it was then maybe I’d actually feel enough but I still don’t. I get good enough grades, I care more about most things then all of my brothers combined, I’ve stepped so far out of my comfort zone that I forgot what it looked like for a bit.
I have never felt good about what I was doing, and afterwards I felt as if I could have done more. When will I feel as if I’ve done enough? There are so many questions to ask about these things.
When will I do enough, feel good enough, when? The answer is not simple, and that's the plain old truth. Saying I know when would be a lie, and I don’t want to lie. So I’ll say the simple truth.
If not now, when? When I feel ready and when I feel confident. When I feel good and like everything is falling into place. No it’s not today, or tomorrow, it could be years away, but I know now that it is okay. I’m working on feeling like I’m good enough, working on feeling like I’ve done enough. Not now but someday, that is my answer.