Nov 12

kinda sad

when I was little 
I would make friends all over the place
it didn't matter where I was 
or who you were
if was on my own and you were too
I'd come right up to you
and say hi 

but now 
after years of doing that 
stepping up and saying hi
creating bonds
and creating ties
to all these people
that I can barely remember now
because I've intentionally forgotten 
i don't want to remember how it felt to play 
and laugh and sing 
and be happy with somebody else there
playing and laughing and singing with me
because it hurts

i used to make friends all over the place
but I was always the one who left
I used to cry when my parents said we were going to move
because I knew it meant leaving these friends
and it hurt more every time
cause I would remember all the times before
watching their faces fall
their tears start dripping like mine
their promises to keep in touch 
that were as flimsy as the floppy hats my grandmother used to wear

it got to a point where I couldn't bear it no more
I gave up on making friends 
and my eyes were no longer sore 
from all the nights 
spent crying myself to sleep 
because i didn't cry no more 
I held it in 
let hurt me inside
while covering the pain with a grin 
I lied every day 
said i was fine
little did they know
that was a really big lie

I felt broken 
irrevocably shattered 
to a million little shards
like a piece of glass 
but my heart kept on beating
and I kept living with that pain 
that feeling of worthlessness 
it overcame everything

I forgot how to cry 
how to really let it out
how to take all that sadness and fear ans anger
and not be afraid of letting go 
of my pain
and the heartache it caused me 

i put the pain behind me now
let go of those ties
why would keep this rope 
I think 
if there's nothing on the end
there's nobody there
as much as i wish 
I could see them again 
but I'm sure they're different now
no longer seven with pigtails
or eight with extensive Pokemon card collections
gone are the people I knew.

and here are the people I don't
time to start over
time to start fresh 
now is the time for me to start again 
I walk up to you 
and say hi
you open your mouth in surprise 
that somebody actually acknowledged you 
and it's kinda sad 
I would feel that way too
if somebody said hi to me
like I said hi to you.