Nov 12

if i died last year

if i died last year.
i would have done more harm than good. but i didn’t realize that then. i couldn’t see into the future and see myself blossom from the decaying shell i once was. low is an understatement. i cannot find a word that truly describes how excruciating the pit in my stomach became. it was a constant weight that pinned me to the bed that rested in my cavern of dirty laundry and old dishes. it yanked me from any sense of direction, every feeling, every responsibility, every person i held dear. everything was a chore. eating. sleeping. talking. i felt like i was already dead. like my soul had slithered out from my stomach long ago, and left a pit. a cherry pit destined to rot from the inside out.

but if i died last year, i would have missed out. i would never have felt the warmth of another hug. i would never have laughed again, with people i would have never met. i would have never felt the cool breeze of spring, after opening my window for the first time in months. my eyes would never flutter open and closed as i lay in bed, blissfully, after a long day at a job i would have never gotten. i would have never pet my cat again, felt her fur between my fingers. if i died last year, i would have never reached for my pencils, my markers, or my pens ever again. i would have never created anything new. my hands would lay limp and useless forever. my feet would never walk another trail.  my eyes would never watch the dew drip from new leaves or clouds brush the top of the mountain. they would stare blankly into nothing. forever. if i died last year, i would never feel a sense of pride ever again. my stomach would no longer flutter after acing a test, or doing something right for the first time.

back then, of course, all i could think about was that if i died i could never hurt again. my heart would never break again. my fingers would no longer curl into fists and my eyes would forever be dry. i would never be in pain again.

but if i died last year, i would have never remembered that bruises heal. muscles can relax. hearts can be sewn back together. cherry pits can grow into trees.