Running on the bones of broken promises,
Crossing the vast land of lies,
Wading into the ocean of tears,
Flying in the stomach of worries,
Marching for days with defeat,
Yelling at doubt in echoing caves,
Floating on toil and soil of others,
And falling into the endless pit of thoughts,
These are the trips you take while alive,
Using others, others using you.
Defeat and hard work, love and pain.
These are what make you, and you are what makes others.
Remember when things feel hard, to just look back on those journeys and use the wounds
to make a better person today then what was yesterday.
- Leviahthan's blog
- Sprout
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JD
Jan 22, 2020
Hmm. Powerful opening line followed by several others, creating a solid cadence. Not sure about "floating" as a word choice, as it seems a more gentle word than the previous ones, but the internal rhyme of toil and soil really accentuate the rhythm and movement. But then "And" slows the march down and for me the second half loses steam, loses vitality, like its tripping over its message as it self-consciously wants to make sure we "get it" rather than letting the power of the poem speak for itself. Can you craft a rhythm - a flow - of words in the second half that equals the poetic power of the first? What if you drop the "and" and have Falling into the endless pits of thoughts end one stanza? Dropping the "And" keeps the march of two-syllable line starts to the very end of that group of lines... Then I hear a meaninful pause after "thoughts" that would allow a new but complementary and equally powerful rhythm to occur in the next stanza. Playing off your lines, I'm hearing a possible rhythm via repitition: maybe, for example (and only for example, since everything is up to your own muse), something like "these are the trips that take you / these are the trips that break you / these are the trips that make you..." and so on, changing up where needed. If you don't already do this, I would suggest saying your poem aloud as you consider word choices and phrasing during revision. And by the way, I love the wordplay of your user name.
JD Fox