Feb 05

Time creates impending fear

I have this impending fear that I won't have enough time.
that I am precariously balancing everything that is precious to me
While standing on the head of a pole
And no matter which way I twist, 
either to get away from work,
or go forwards elsewhere,
It is an uncomfortable experience.
I don't even know if its rewarding anymore.
I have this impending dread that most of what I do with my time
Is overall pointless, meaningless, and for nothing of good use.
The hard drive for rewards I used to work so hard to get
Has slowly started to fizzle out.
Why must I do this?
Why must I learn this?
How will this help me along my journey to find myself- by finding your x.
If knowledge is power then let me become wise
In areas that I truly want to learn about.
Why must I divide my precious hours so that
Anyway you look at it, there is only a small sliver of time for me to be with just myself.
I used to know myself well until now.
I never have time to explore what I truly enjoy,
And focus on what matters to me and what I want to do-
Before I am shoved out of my blanket of securities
into the big wide world,
I have this impending anger that,
I don't want to spend my time this way anymore.
Waste hours on problems that have already been solved.
Circling answers to test my guessing skills.
Staying up later and later to accomplish tasks that will be graded and tossed away.
Why is all my time being thrown away by a system that doesn't teach- but forces you to learn.
Why can't I just find time for me?
I should know myself before taking off into the rest of the egotistical world.
And yet I fear
There isn't enough time to get reacquainted  with the person I should know best.