Feb 06

The Five Stages of Grief

Getting over you has been ten times harder than I thought it would be. Frankly, I didn’t even know I had fallen for you. For the longest time I wished it untrue. Begging that it wasn’t real, denying it from every possible angle. You, someone I never wanted to fall for, have put me through the five stages of grief effectively. So let's talk about that, I can’t seem to talk to you honestly so let’s try this instead.
 
Number One:

Denial.

You are not the person I fall for. You are not the person I had seen myself loving. You are not him. Instead you are just an idiot who always seems to be there, someone who muddles through but with a smile and a laugh. You are not who I fall for. I am not the person to get distracted, not by anything so it makes no sense I would let myself get distracted by you. You are not who I fall for. I am not the kind of girl to fall for someone like you, someone that I can’t figure out. It makes no sense to me; and therefore must be untrue. Correct? You are not who I fall for. I will not have you be the person I love.
 
Number Two:

Anger.

So now its not just me who sees this-whatever this is-being a thing. Now I must fend off the lions feeding on the humour of this situation. Why must you be so calm and funny throughout this. Why are you not as angry as I am being forced to see this. This-whatever this is-cannot be real. I cannot let myself fall for you. So instead I wave about angry that I must deal with this-with you-thing now. Each day the lions fuel up, more jokes and tricks up their sleeves, you leave me to fend them off. This-whatever it is-thing is now real and now I have got to deal with it. I cannot let myself fall for you.
 
Number Three:

Bargaining.

You, you may not be as bad as I originally thought. Maybe. I still don’t see it but now I am being kept up to date by others around us. So, what if instead of dealing with this we pretend it isn’t real. It happened, we joked, but now it’s over. This thing, which wasn’t a thing, is over. For good. You may be better than I originally thought, originally hoped, but you are still not who I will fall for. I see where it could be mistaken, but each moment they see I see something else, right? I will not allow myself to see you as a potential option for me but I can see how I may have thought that. So, let’s pretend it isn’t real.
 
Number Four:

Depression.

Okay, so it’s real. I get it, I get it. I messed up. You-you were an option that I had and now it’s too late. I spent too long frustrated and messing it all up to see it. Blame me. I do. I thought you were not the person I fall for because you are different. You are not the type of person I have fallen for, instead your funny and real and honest. Thing is I wasn’t, not when it mattered. I messed up and now it’s too late. You moved on, or maybe you didn’t but either way I get that it was real. I messed up. Blame me. I do. I see you now and a pit of hatred appears in me. It was real and I messed it up. I’m sorry.
 
Number Five:

Acceptance.

So I get it, i’m on and off and you were never sure where you stood with me. I was never sure where I stood with you either. Not before. Maybe this was what needed to happen. You are the person I fell for, the person I miss today. I never wanted it to happen but it did, and maybe it needed to. I don’t regret falling for you; even if you are not the person I wanted to fall for. I do accept that I regret not trying. I fell for you, you are the person I miss today. The person who I can’t seem to forget. I was never sure where I stood with you. Not before. Maybe that was okay, because I don’t hate myself for it anymore.