Feb 09

Because I'm Too Scared to Ask

Is it impossible for you to love me

You are the only person that I am awkward around the only person
Who twists my tongue in a knot why
Can I not let go of the notion of you

Every song every smell every memory everything
Reminds me of you and my awkwardness and what 
Am I doing
We are too awkward too quiet too much 
Eye contact not enough conversation I love you can't you figure that out
Sometimes I have to create a mantra for myself to repeat over
And over again in my head
i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you 
Becasue it hurts less that way
I can pretend that I wouldn't take a bullet for you that you aren't the most important person
In the world to me I can pretend that I couldn't get high off the smell of you
You look at me and smile and talk about how shiny my lips are often enough that I know you're staring  
Please

I say so many idiotic things around you
When we argue I make bad points and answers that don't make sense I'm afraid
That you'll think I'm not smart I'm afraid
That I'll embarrass myself and then I do what did you do to me 

You talk about me to other people I know you do you tell them about what I'm interested in
You give me hints and then ignore me and I want so badly to be mad at you but then I catch you staring at me and
I feel a jolt in my feet and then the warmth spreads through my stomach and into my chest and I want 
To feel your hand
I already know what they feel like I've held them in my own before what I want to feel them again
They're so perfect and smooth and creased and long and
I want them to want to hold mine

Some people get butterflies
I get gassy willd boars and I hate (love) you for it you're hurting me so much but really it's been me hurting myself all along

If you love can't you tell me because I'm 
Too scared to ask