Feb 14
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Raspberry or mango? I can’t decide. Of course I can’t decide. Nothing new, right? Not being able to make decisions on my own, needing other people’s opinions, needing others to guide me with even the most simple choices. I'm standing in a little frozen yogurt shop, probably one of the safest places, and yet my mind is racing. A million thoughts a second, all blending together in a mass of words. If someone with a gun comes, or there’s a fire, where's the nearest exit? What’s my backup plan? The amount of people in here is making me dizzy. All the voices, quiet and loud, coming together in one loud noise. I try not to look at anyone or make eye contact, but everywhere I look, someone's there. So I looked at the floor. Raspberry or mango? 

The line is getting shorter. I have to decide. I hear a loud noise and flinch. It was just a chair scraping against the floor. I’ll get both. Raspberry and mango. There’s two people in front of me. I have to order soon. What if I don’t have enough money? How do I talk? What exact words do I say? Where do I look? One person in front of me. I just need to order, get my stupid frozen yogurt, and leave. And never leave my house again, of course. It’s my turn. There’s nothing coming out of my mouth. I can't talk….

“Can I have a small with mango and raspberry, please?”
I hear. Must’ve been me, because I’m standing at the counter and there’s a man smiling, getting the flavours I wanted. That wasn’t so bad. I did it, and that’s what matters. But how did my voice sound? It was too high, and too preppy and excited, wasn’t it? The way I said it was weird, and the words I used sounded wrong. Next time I’m bringing someone to order for me. Maybe I can hire someone to order for me, or just do everything for me, so I never have to talk to people. 

The man is holding out the frozen yogurt. How long has he been standing there? Do I look stupid? Are people looking at me? I have enough money, atleast. That’s good. Now, just walk out of the building, down the steps, and go home. That wasn’t too difficult, was it?

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